Sunday, December 30, 2007

smoking

LETHBRIDGE - Some bar owners in Alberta contend that smoking patrons will go out less often because of the province-wide smoking ban that goes into effect Jan. 1.

Oh, you foolish politicians! You wanted to control smoking, but now alcoholism is the baby you've thrown out with the bathwater!


Young and single soldiers have the highest rates of depression and post-traumatic stress disorders, a national survey led by a London psychiatrist has found.

So, hookers won’t help, but mail-order brides might.

Stamps, fur, porn and homophobia (the good life)

BELLOWS FALLS, Vt. - The new owner of a hardware store made an unexpected discovery: a climate-controlled vault containing six fur coats, about a dozen suits and some dresses and hats, apparently untouched since the late 1970s.

After 30 years in the climate-controlled vault, The coats are in perfect condition and potentially very valuable. The pimps didn’t fare nearly as well, and will be disposed of.


DALLAS - A collector from New York has purchased a rare, 24-cent U.S. stamp depicting an upside-down airplane for $825,000. Heritage Auction Galleries did not identify the buyer of the "Inverted Jenny".

In related news, another auction netted a disappointing $650 for an inverted Jenny McCarthy.


PLAINFIELD TOWNSHIP, Mich. - A Michigan man's long search for his birth mother ended this week when he discovered that his birth mother has been working at the same hardware store as he.

It’s yet another reason to avoid dating in the workplace.


COOKEVILLE, Tenn. - A man is thinking about suing Wal-Mart because the MP3 video player he gave to his daughter for Christmas turned out to be loaded with explicit tunes and porn videos.

Comforting to me, because now there is something besides me that comes pre-loaded with porn.


COLOMBO, Sri Lanka - A Sri Lankan government minister and his bodyguards rampaged through the offices of a state television station and assaulted its news director before furious employees fought back and took them hostage, officials and witnesses said.

This could have been a fantastic plot for a holiday movie, if they had only managed to save Christmas while they were in there.


PORTLAND, Ore. - A federal judge in Oregon has placed a state domestic partnership law set to take effect Jan. 1 on hold, pending a February hearing, after an effort by gay-rights opponents fell 116 valid signatures short of the 55,179 needed to suspend the law.

Ugggh, just 116 signatures short! 55,000 homophobes strong, but not quite homophobic enough! But it’s not too late! Sign now Oregon, while there’s still time to make sure that some of your tax-paying citizens don’t get spousal health benefits, inheritances, or full custody of the children they raise.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

gambling, new cute things, and relatives who won't go away

JAKARTA, Indonesia (AP) — Researchers in a remote jungle in Indonesia have discovered a giant rat and a tiny possum that are apparently new to science.

“It’s comforting to know that there is a place on Earth so isolated that it remains the absolute realm of wild nature," said expedition leader Bruce Beehler.

"Now we're going to helicopter in and clearcut a spot for a research centre."


The possum was described as “one of the worlds smallest marsupials.”

Sadly, now Paris Hilton wants one.


Loto-Quebec, the Atlantic Lottery Corp. and the Ontario Lottery and Gaming Corp. have teamed up with researchers at McGill University to urge parents to avoid giving their children lottery tickets as Christmas presents.

Oh way to go, guys. The kids didn't even want lottery tickets until you said they were bad.


LONDON - Britain may start requiring residents to pay deposits when their non-European Union family members visit - refundable only when the relatives go home, - according to a government proposal aimed at tightening borders and eliminating illegal immigration.

If you don't feel like returning them yourself, if you live downtown you can just leave them on the curb. According to the deposit structure, relatives under 50 kgs would hardly be worth returning, but the bigger ones will be attractive targets for relative-pickers. Then they can be recycled into something useful.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Cats and mice and acid

LOS ANGELES - A biochemist who killed her husband by knocking him out and pouring hydrochloric acid on him was convicted Wednesday of first-degree murder.

Wow, dissolving a body in acid. No one would expect that. Unless of course, you’re a BIOCHEMIST.


TOKYO - Using genetic engineering, scientists at Tokyo University say they have created mice that display no fear of cats.

The specimenes were not on hand, as the researchers were not successful in their attempts to breed cats that don’t love eating fearless mice.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

jokes: prostitutes, chimpanzees, juiced-up athletes, and puppies!

The head of the Humane Society of the United States on Tuesday accused a Bel Air pet store catering to celebrities of selling puppies obtained from puppy mills.

In a related story, the parents of Britney Spears, and the parents of Ashley and Jessica Simpson are being accusing of selling celebrities obtained from celebrity mills.


Prostitutes in Germany are being given the chance to retrain as geriatric nurses.

Reached for comment, several geriatric patients asked for some non-retrained ones.


Mario Jones has been officially stripped of the five medals she won at the Sydney Olympics after admitting she used performance-enhancing drugs at the time.

Asked for comments, Jones flew into a rage and put her fist through a car window.


A young chimpanzee has resoundingly outperformed college students in memory tests in an experiment at Kyoto university.

Critics of the study suggested that the researchers didn’t compensate for the years of superior schooling enjoyed by the chimpanzee.

Researchers are excited for the next phase of the experiment, in which they use college students who aren't high.

It remains unclear whether or not chimpanzees are intelligent enough to be really pissed off that we’re still the Earth’s dominant species, and still messing it up huge.


A top female politician ín Holland wants Dutch prostitutes sent abroad with the troops to help them relax.

Spokespeople for military in several other countries criticized the idea, noting that if the Dutch soldiers have hookers, everyone else will want them too.

Thursday, December 6, 2007

Cushtop

I recently had the good fortune to win a Belkin Cushtop, a foam cushion for notebook computers.

I wasn't entirely sure that the administrators of the contest would be willing to ship it to Canada, so I made inquiries to a few American friends to see if anyone needed one. Specifically, I asked:
-did they have a laptop
-in what position did they usually use their laptop?
-was heat a problem?

Several friends were hesitant to answer these questions, because they weren't entirely sure I wasn't referring to a sex act, for which "laptop" was some crazy Canadian euphemism.

And that was before I even mentioned the Cushtop.

So, comments: Is laptop slang for anything yet? If not, what should it be? And what of the Cushtop? Is Cushtop a body part? An act?

jokes: miniature hippos, plentiful manatees, and self esteem!

GENEVA - China continues to evict 13,000 people each month in preparation for the Beijing Olympics, despite worldwide attention and increased scrutiny, a housing rights group said Wednesday.

ON the plus side, for the first time, the athletes’ village will be an authentic village.


AYIA NAPA, Cyprus - Paleontologists have unearthed an estimated 80 dwarf hippos in Cyprus.

The miniature hippos were land-based, and occupied the island about 10000 years ago, during what scientists have termed the Cute Period.


KEY LARGO, Fla. - Manatees will remain on Florida's endangered species list for now. The commission had been considering whether to reclassify the manatee as a "threatened" species instead of "endangered."

They also retain their “animals that are on calendars all the time” designation, though they have slipped in ranking of “animals that girls draw on their binders.”


Researchers at Stanford University, who studied sedentary people for a year, found that automated exercise reminder phone calls had about the same get-up-and-go power as calls from human counsellors.

The researchers next project? To discover whether computer-generated messages of judgement and criticism can create self-hatred as consistently as those of actual teenage girls.

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

jokes: video games & loneliness & sexy dinosaurs

PARIS - Finnish students came out on top of a worldwide education study on science performance. Canadian students were third, U.S. students 29th.

Americans wanted to criticize the study, but they couldn't quite comprehend the structure of the experiment.


WASHINGTON - A new ecological report states that divorce can be bad for the environment, because A married household actually uses resources more efficiently than a divorced household.

So hey, lonely people: don’t just feel sad and inadequate. Feel guilty.

To the polygamists: I know you’re feeling smug right about now, but having three wives is only more efficient if you don’t have a dozen kids.


BOISE, Idaho - An Idaho newspaper is reporting that eight men have had sexual encounters with disgraced Republican Senator Larry Craig.

When an undercover cop said Craig solicited sex, that sounded kind of gay. But sleeping with eight people, now THAT sounds like a gay man.


The fossilized duckbilled hadrosaur is so well preserved that scientists have been able to calculate its muscle mass and learn that it was more muscular than thought, probably giving it the ability to outrun predators such as T. rex.

Wow. You know, I never really noticed how ripped that dinosaur mummy was. That, that is HOT.


More than 75% of parents are concerned about the content of video games played by their children, a survey suggests. Almost half of the 4,000 parents surveyed in the UK, France, Italy and Germany said that one hour of gaming each day should be the limit.

However, 40% of those parents also said that it is anyone’s responsibility except theirs to establish discipline or healthy habits for their offspring.

Saturday, December 1, 2007

Homosexuals Agenda Wicked

THE CANADIAN PRESS CALGARY -- A human rights panel says an Alberta man and a group called the Concerned Christian Coalition broke the province's human rights law by writing a letter that likely exposed gays to hatred and contempt. The letter, written by Stephen Boissoin in 2002 when he was a member of the coalition, was published in the Red Deer Advocate newspaper. The letter was entitled "Homosexual agenda wicked" and suggested gays are as immoral as pedophiles, drug dealers and pimps.


** A break here for word play! How many different ways can we read that title? **

1. Homosexual Agenda Wicked ("Listen up, concerned citizens! Homosexual people have an agenda and it is evil.")

2. Homosexual! Agenda?! Wicked! ("I'm homosexual. I have an agenda? I'm stoked about that! It is radically awesome!"

3. Homosexual Agenda: Wicked. ("Welcome, homosexuals. Is everyone here? Great. As scheduled, we'll start off by discussing the hit Broadway musical..."

4. Homosexual! Agenda - Wicked! (Hey, look, over there, a homosexual! I shall change my mindset and intentions to wicked mode!")

Judging by the body of the letter, its author was probably intending the first interpretation. But maybe not. This could all be one big misunderstanding.

Actual article at: http://www.canoe.ca/WesternTicker/CANOE-wire.Alta-Gay-Hate-Ruling.html

Friday, November 30, 2007

jokes: SatLav!

LONDON - Westminster City Council today launched "SatLav" - a toilet-finding service for cell phone users.

Having used cell phones to find public toilets for years, London’s gay men are once again ahead of the curve.


RCMP officers seized a computer at CBC Manitoba's downtown Winnipeg headquarters last week, but no one is saying why or what sort of content may be on its hard drive.

For years there was only speculation – could this be the proof of an Unfriendly Giant?


LONDON - Richard Leigh, author of the Holy Blood and the Holy Grail, who unsuccessfully sued for plagiarism over The Da Vinci Code, has died.

This guy had a rough last few years on Earth, but it might get worse. Out of the frying pan...

Best alarm clock ever

Since leaving my day job a few days back, I've struggled to maintain a strict schedule and wake up when I should. I must start the day early, but of course the reasons aren't as convincingly immediate.

I finally arrived at a workable solution - I've been up bright and early ever since! Here's the easy step-by-step method:

1. Obtain a cute chick. Perhaps one with a naturally tan skin tone, that evokes the kiss of sunlight even on a dark morning in the depths of a Calgary winter.

II. Tell her of your resolve. Make it clear that her help is appreciated and success will result in more such evenings followed by light and yet nourishing breakfasts.

III. Cuddle up with her. Go to sleep (eventually).

IV. Wake up and be gently but firmly nudged out of bed and into jogging clothes by the cute chick in your bed. She will keep it warm.

V. Return, shower and wake up the cute chick by a method of your choosing. Drink Earl Grey tea and eat fruit together.

Woman: innovator, nurturer, alarm clock. Is there anything she can't do?

Thursday, November 29, 2007

jokes: Brooke Shields says we can have more!

NEW YORK - Brooke Shields hopes her upcoming show, "Lipstick Jungle," will convince women that they shouldn't be afraid to want it all.

The SPIKE TV network is offering women a counterpoint with their new program, “Shut up and Settle”.


Next month, the cancer arm of the World Health Organization will classify shift work as a "probable" carcinogen, the same category as cancer-causing agents like anabolic steroids, ultraviolet radiation and diesel engine exhaust.

So if you’re wondering what happened to all the bodybuilders at those 24-hour gyms, now you know: they’re at chemo.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

jokes: marriage and young'uns

PROVO, Utah - A Utah couple stand accused of kidnapping their daughter on the eve of her wedding.

Reached for comment, Utah parents said “Well, we sympathize with- what? they were forcing their daughter to NOT get married?!”



A Chinese man is suing for divorce after discovering that he is the father of only one of his twins.

Although upset, the mother of the twins is looking on the bright side: “At least they’re both boys.”

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

jokes: climate change, have-not provinces

OTTAWA - Efforts to reduce global warming through technological innovations that improve fuel efficiency may be doomed and could even make the situation worse, says a new report.

In related news, big businesses and individuals heaved a sigh of relief as a new report on global warming gave them an excuse to stop trying.


OTTAWA - Native leaders from the West Coast and the South Pacific are pressuring the federal government to establish firm targets for reducing greenhouse gas emissions. Members of the Pacific People's Partnership say climate change is having a huge impact on indigenous communities.

Yeah. Because if there’s anything that really spurs our government to action, it’s the suffering of indigenous peoples.


FREDERICTON - New Brunswick's Liberal government says its throne speech is a road map to a self-sufficient future for the have-not province.

A spokesperson for the Alberta provincial government responded: “Self-sufficiency huh? How about you carry us for a couple of decades, then we’ll call it even.”

Monday, November 26, 2007

jokes: glaciers and pepper spray

EL ALTO, Bolivia – The glaciers of the Andes are melting at an alarming rate, raising fears for the area’s water supply.

Runoff from the glaciers will be available in bottles here in North America, under the brand name Our Earth is Dying and This is its Blood, You Selfish Bastards.


SAN JUAN, Puerto Rico - Ingrid Marie Rivera won Puerto Rico’s Miss spot in the Miss Universe pageant, in spite of sabotage that included pepper spray in her gowns and makeup that caused her to break out in hives.

There is an upside, as she is now a strong favorite for the Miss Calamine Lotion crown.

Sunday, November 25, 2007

jokes: disasters and poisonous toys

NEW YORK (CNN) -- U.S. safety officials have recalled about 4.2 million Chinese-made Aqua Dots bead toys that contain a chemical that, once metabolized, converts into the toxic "date rape" drug GHB.

So ladies, take your business elsewhere if your local dance club is still offering those cute tasty Aquadot shooters.


HALIFAX - A group of international scientists called on world leaders Sunday to invest billions in a complex array of undersea technology to help to predict natural disasters. He said scientists were able to determine the intensity of hurricane Katrina two years ago because they knew the temperature of the water it passed over, which fuelled its force.

Yes, that's right, with a few billion dollars invested, every natural disaster can be managed as well as Hurricane Katrina.


A woman swarmed by a mob of Grade 8 boys in an apparent racially-charged attack near a northwest London school says she forgives her tormenters.

“Who knows”, said the woman, “they might have been whacked out on them Aquadots.”

Saturday, November 24, 2007

jokes: disasters and American policy

SYDNEY, Australia - Conservative Prime Minister John Howard, one of the Bush administration's staunchest allies, suffered a humiliating election defeat Saturday at the hands of an opposition leader who has vowed to pull troops out of Iraq.

In a related development, the Bush government says plans are underway for a potential invasion of Australia.


The number of weather-related disasters has quadrupled over the past 20 years and the world should do more to prepare for them, the aid agency Oxfam says.

We also might want to try cutting back on all the stuff we're doing to cause them, too, but that's a different agency.


MALIBU, Calif. - A fast-moving wildfire pushed by Santa Ana winds raced through the canyons and mountains of this wealthy enclave for the second time in little more than a month Saturday, destroying more than 30 homes and forcing as many as 14,000 residents to flee.

That’s right, 14000 Malibu residents have been driven to one of their other mansions.

Friday, November 23, 2007

jokes: sex and drugs and hazing

A 13-year-old girl was among four people charged with cocaine offences in Bonnyville near Edmonton on Tuesday night.

You know, in these times of instant gratification, it’s refreshing to see the kids taking a break from meth to go back to the classics.



AMARILLO, Texas - A subdivision in Amarillo, Tex., has barred convicted sex offenders from owning or living in any new homes.

The new community would be totally safe if the rec centre would just fall into line and stop allowing homeless drifters to coach soccer.



MONTREAL - Quebec police union president Jean Beaudoin says he has no idea how the traditional police rookie initiation evening might have brought calls for investigation of hazing.

One potential cause of the complaints? The best-selling “Mounties Gone Wild” videos.

Beaudoin defends the initiation, saying it consists of an evening of drinking and horsing around and ends with a single firm pat on the buttocks with a clipboard.

…from a prostitute, while bound to chair with the recruit’s brand-new handcuffs, high on power and the cocaine that kickbacks bought.

Thursday, November 22, 2007

jokes: Tim Horton's & ethics

NEW YORK - Scientists have made ordinary human skin cells take on the chameleon-like powers of embryonic stem cells, a startling breakthrough that might someday deliver the medical payoffs of embryo cloning without the controversy.

Medical ethicists are warning of the potential costs of the breakthrough: less work for medical ethicists.

Hey guys, don't worry. I for one promise to continue to keep you busy by doing all kinds of morally questionable medical stuff.



MONTREAL - An axe-wielding masked man who attempted to rob a Montreal-area doughnut shop was successfully subdued by store employees and customers.

The heroes realized that the man would be easily subdued after he ate a slice of Tim Horton’s near-poisonous cake.


Edmonton homicide cops are investigating a suspicious death after a body was found in a burned-out dumpster early this morning.

It’s suspicious, but let’s not rule out that someone may have passed away peacefully in a dumpster that was on fire.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

headline jokes: crime, kickbacks, and giant bugs

OTTAWA - The number of Canadians behind bars rose in 2005-06 for the first time in a decade, mainly because more adults were in jail on remand awaiting trial or sentencing.

Still, experts warn that 2007 figures will be different, as our high loonie drives more people south of the border to steal stuff.



QUEBEC - The Quebec government will seek to buy more products made in the province in an effort to boost its flagging manufacturing sector. The government maintains new jobs created by the policy will offset the higher buying costs.

The kickbacks will help also.



LONDON - British scientists have found fossil evidence of ancient scorpions up to 2 meters long.

Hey Moms and Dads! Your kids are going to get nightmares about gigantic scorpions!

headline jokes: The Last Supper, sexless marriage and diapers

An Italian musician and computer technician claims to have uncovered musical notes encoded in Leonardo Da Vinci's "Last Supper."

But if you play it backwards: the Devil’s music.



MONTREAL - If a Quebec company has its way, dirty diapers normally destined for landfills will soon be transformed into a cost-effective, synthetic diesel fuel.

To my mom: I don’t care how much it would save me on gas, I’m not getting knocked up.



A state appeals court Friday in Alabama annulled a marriage after the wife complained that her husband never consummated the union. Her husband, a Czech citizen, could lose his permanent resident status under U.S. immigration laws and be deported.

And so in a nutshell: put out, or get deported.

Friday, November 2, 2007

Detoxify or Die

I recently encountered this book:





No idea if the content is valid, but the title works for me. Those "For Dummies" titles are accessible, but potentially insulting. This series could be really motivating. Imagine:

Cook Italian.. or DIE!

Hatha Yoga... or DIE!

Organize Your Digital Photos... or DIE!



And of course:


Play 1987 Nintendo Classic 'Skate or Die'...




..or DIE!

Sunday, October 28, 2007

two hack things to put to rest

An open letter to stand up comedians:

Life is good, comics. After years in a low zone, stand up is coming into vogue as a form again. More people are seeing it, more people are talking about it, and more comedians are achieving itty-bitty rock star status.

This is good for all of us. Let's bring our 'a' games to this fun new golden age.

Let's retire some hack material.

I'd like to nominate two subjects of hackness here today. First, any and all jokes about computers that use a combination of "RAM", "hard drive" and "floppy disk" references as sexual puns. Floppy disks haven't been used for 15 years or so - if you're still using them as a punch line, it's time to upgrade, as it were.

Second, cougar jokes. These ones were so easy that I almost wonder if the whole 'cougar' slang phenomenon was actually invented by comedians the way greeting card companies invented Secretary's Day. Cougar jokes spread quickly, so even though they haven't been around as long as computer jokes, it is time for them to stop. I know that some comics want these ones to stick around the way they want Bush to do a third term, but just have faith that some other easy reference will come along that you will come to love as much as you love your cougar jokes.


Just a thought.


PS I'm not implying I don't have problems of my own with regards to writing (Don't you hate it when a comedian uses her sexual orientation as a crutch? Yeah, that sucks...) Working on it.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Headline jokes: best of the old pack

To start off the headline jokes on this spanking new blog, I offer a few greatest hits. For now, the rest of the old headline jokes can still be viewed on my myspace blog, and the ancient ones at http://juliasquota.blogspot.com/.


April 2007

MONTREAL (CP) - High school students rescued from a Greek cruise ship returned home Sunday, four days after the boat they were on sank to the bottom of the Aegean Sea.
It was a happy ending for everyone except the producers of Girls Gone Wild, who lost "irreplaceable" footage taken earlier on the cruise, when co-eds were going SPRING BREAK CRAZY WILD!


TORONTO (CP) - The Carleton Graduate Students' Association is spearheading an initiative to educate some 3,300 grad students on how to safeguard their intellectual property while ensuring they're being properly recognized for their work.
In response to the initiative, Carleton professors are spearheading a quieter initiative to figure out where they're going to get all their ideas from now.


CALCUTTA, India (AP) - A farmer in Eastern India has discovered his calf making a meal of his poultry. "I've never read or heard about cows turning carnivorous," said local veterinarian Mihir Tripathy.

Soon many in India may be faced with a theological quandary: is a cow still sacred if it's eating you?


Researchers at Berlin claim they have now, for the first time, identified people's decisions about how they would later do a high-level mental activity using brain scans. The potential implications alarm some ethicists who fear the technology could one day be abused by authorities, marketers, or employers.
The scientists' next goal? To prove using brain scans that ethicists are stupid wimps.

JEFFERSON CITY, Mo. (AP) - A member the Supremes pushed Thursday for a change in Missouri law to prevent cover bands from promoting themselves as the real thing. The Missouri legislation would make it illegal for people to make a false or misleading connection to the real group in their advertising or musical performance.
The law would also make it illegal for Kevin Federline to promote himself as anything.


Feb 2007

Dr. Guy Cardineau says the fruits of two decades of isolating the antidotes to a host of diseases into plants could be on the threshold of widespread use, rendering squeamishness over needles obsolete.

That's right, soon even those of use who can't tolerate needles can experience the pleasures of needle drugs.



In a successful raid on a drug ring that transported drugs from Nova Scotia to Ontario, police seized a quantity of cocaine, marijuana and prescription drugs but their largest haul was anabolic steroids.

So if you're in Toronto, and your personal trainer seems less buff, your stock broker a bit off his game, and your teenager antsy, now you know why.



A US Cafe has developed a process to caffeinate pastries.

And if you think that's great, just way until you add some cocaine cream cheese. Then top it with some crystal meth strawberry jelly. We call it the speedball breakfast.


CAPE CANAVERAL, Fla. (AP) - U.S. astronaut Sunita Williams has now spent more time in space than any other woman, setting the record on Sunday as she and a crew mate upgraded the international space station's cooling system.
Male astronauts pointed out that Williams' walks would have been shorter if she had focused on the repair goals instead of meandering around looking at everything.


The Mission Merchants Association in San Francisco is in a bind about a proposed porn shoot location in a historic building, with some members arguing the studio would provide an economic boost and others worried it would attract perverts, said Jean Feilmoser, president of the group.

Umm, this is San Francisco. It's a bit late to worry about attracting perverts. ..


VATICAN CITY (Reuters Life!) - Smoke got in his eyes. Too much of it, so he asked the Roman Catholic Church to annul his marriage when his wife refused to kick the nicotine habit.That is just one of the, well, hazy cases that wound up before the Vatican's Sacra Romana Rota, a top court which hears the most complicated of marriage annulment requests.

And that sounds complicated to us. These people can't get their heads around domestic violence or birth control, so they must be plenty confused.


Experts say Canada's chilly climate, sprawling land mass and resource-based economy aren't good enough reasons to absolve Canadians of a growing responsibility to go green and reduce the impact they're having on the world's environment.

As opposed to before, when the fact that Canada is big, cold and sells oil was more than reason enough for us to play a key role in destroying the planet .


Police issued a plea Sunday for a mother to turn herself in after a baby girl, no more than an hour old, was found wrapped in a towel on the back step of a Saskatchewan home in -29 C temperatures.

In a related story, a Winnipeg company will soon be producing special highly insulated baskets to allow scared mothers to abandon children in frosty Canada with the same level of ease as stigmatized, scared new mothers in warmer climates.



An Edmonton woman is smoking mad after being scolded by Mayor Stephen Mandel for buying a pack of cigarettes - but Mandel insists it was a joke.
"Just because they have won an election with 40% of the 30% who vote, all of a sudden they are the avatar of community standards," said a University of Alberta professor.

Former premier Ralph Klein is said to be planning to go to Edmonton, get drunk and yell at the mayor.


PRINCETON, N.J. (AP) - The extrasensory perception lab at Princeton University will be shuttered at the end of the month.

The researchers are disappointed, but are claiming they saw it coming.


HEROUXVILLE, Que. (CP)— Clad in traditional Islamic head scarves, a delegation of Muslim women paid a visit Sunday to the Quebec town that passed a controversial code aimed at potential immigrants.
But much of the code remained the same and the council repeated a call for changes to the Charter of Rights and Freedoms to avoid "unreasonable accommodation" of minorities.

Right, so Quebec is cracking down on unreasonable accommodations for minorities? Pay attention people, I know we're going to be able to use this against them later.


After three years, scientists at the University of Jena have given up their battle to to persuade Mats the sloth to co-operate in an experiment on animal movement.

This is the most boring use of the word 'battle' ever.


VICTORIA (CP) — British Columbia plans to rely on its forests and agricultural land to help reach its ambitious greenhouse gas emission targets.

It's BC, so I'm guessing that will be the kind of "trees" that you can smoke.



BERLIN (CP) - British and American children are among the worst off in the industrialized world, according to a UN report Wednesday that ranked the well-being of youngsters in 21 wealthy countries.

Child Advocates in Britain cautioned the government that Oliver is a story, not a goal.


Jan 2007

Rebecca Arnold Dawson, 34, was charged with malicious castration in a fight early Tuesday at a party hosted by the 38-year-old man's girlfriend, police said.The castration arrest was the first of its kind in Lillington, a town of about 3,000 roughly 50 kilometres south of Raleigh, Powers said.

One would hope. No town wants to be known as "The home of Malicious Castration."


Dec 2006

QUEBEC (CP) - Police have issued an arrest warrant for former Olympic biathlon champion Myriam Bedard, who is suspected of kidnapping her daughter to the U.S.

Authorities can not confirm that she's not armed, so be careful - she's a heck of a shot.



OTTAWA (CP) - A November cold snap prompted Public Safety Minister Stockwell Day to dismiss Al Gore's climate change crusade in a weblog post brimming with mockery.

Many pundits are expressing surprise that the Conservative Party allowed Stockwell Day to have a blog.

What he said was kind of stupid. But stupid is relative – a majority of people somewhere elected this guy.

In a related development, Day's staff are now including slander lawsuit settlements in annual budget proposals.

Reached for comment, a Tory spokesperson said "It's Stockwell Day, and he said something stupid. Where's the news?"


LONDON (AP) - An official report on the death of the Princess of Wales this week will disclose the that U.S. Secret Service was bugging Diana's phone without the approval of its British counterpart, a British newspaper reported.
What was on the tapes? You'll have to wait for the exclusive story in this week's edition of Hello magazine.


OTTAWA (CP) - Everyone has heard stories of overworked, stressed-out nurses, but a new Statistics Canada study suggests that the job is making nurses sick. The study surveyed nearly 19,000 nurses between October 2005 and January 2006, including registered nurses, licensed practical nurses and registered psychiatric nurses.

Many of them may benefit from medical help, but who wants to be at work on their time off?


BEIJING (AP) - The long arms of the world's tallest man saved two dolphins in northeast China by reaching inside of them to remove plastic they had swallowed, state media reported Thursday.
Aww, that reminds me of this time with an IUD that.. ummm never mind.


The Commons status of women committee plans to hold two extra meetings in early December to discuss the closure of most of the country's office for the Status of Women. Of the 16 regional offices, only Ottawa, Edmonton, Montreal and Moncton will be spared.

So chicks should totally move to those places.


Dec 2006

OTTAWA (CP) - The Conservative government is bringing the divisive issue of same-sex marriage back to the floor of the Commons . But the timing - at the tail end of the fall session of Parliament, with minimal debate - suggests the Tories may be tacitly admitting they don't have enough support among other parties to restore the traditional definition of marriage as a union of man and woman.
Others say the Tory's are strategically giving up on same sex marriage, but waiting to put up a strong fight against the human-goat marriage bills that are the inevitable next step on this slippery slope.
Charles McVety, head of the independent Defend Marriage movement, says that "the religious freedom of clergy and educators, along with the interests of children who are best raised by a mother and father," are at stake.
"Or a single mother. Or a single father. Or grandparents, or group homes, or any combination of adults, or teenagers who get pregnant, or two people of the same sex so long as they don't love each other."
McVety added that all Canadians should be concerned, as it takes a village to raise a child. But NOT the Village People. (They would probably love that, at least at first. Dress-up! And they'd all be easy to understand and relate to because they're each a stereotype.)
A spokesperson for gay rights said that "we respectfully ask Mr. Mevety to restrict his arguments to hateful stereotypes about gay marriage, and save the hateful stereotypes about gay parenting for adoption discussions."
Across the country, gay rights advocates celebrated the transition of equal marriage rights from "actual issue" to "political ploy that Canadians don't give a rat's ass about."


LONDON (AP) - Humans will have to colonize planets in far-flung solar systems if the race is to survive, renowned physicist Stephen Hawking said in an interview Thursday as he was awarded a top honour.
"Sooner or later, disasters such as an asteroid collision or nuclear war could wipe us all out. But once we spread out into space and establish independent colonies, our future should be safe."

Well if it's as successful as that last round of colonialism, you can count me in!

Spacecraft capable of traveling to other solar systems in less than 50 000 years are not yet in existence. "We also don't know what sort of life would be on the other planets, so we don't know how best to go about destroying their cultures and stealing their land."


EDMONTON (CP) - Alberta Progressive Conservatives are choosing a new party leader to replace Ralph Klein.
Strategists say that right-wing candidate Morton has a strong chance, in part because the critical 'non-wing-nut' vote will be split between Stelmach and Dinning.

The results will be in Saturday night, which in the case of a Morton victory will allow gay Albertans the rest of the weekend to pack.


Nov 2006


Employees at Steam Whistle Brewery have decided to donate one week's worth of staff beer rations to soldiers stationed in Afghanistan. The company has vowed to match those donations.
1. Troops are said to be grateful, but everyone else in Canada is reportedly sad that their employers don't offer beer rations.
2. In a more disconcerting gesture, staff of Foothills hospital have also pledged a week of their beer rations to troops.



October 2006


Humanity may split into two sub-species in 100,000 years' time as predicted by HG Wells, an expert has said. Evolutionary theorist Oliver Curry of the London School of Economics expects a genetic upper class and a dim-witted underclass to emerge. The descendants of the genetic upper class would be tall, slim, healthy, attractive, intelligent, and creative and a far cry from the "underclass" humans who would have evolved into dim-witted, ugly, squat goblin-like creatures.

I. Other scientists voiced disagreement, issuing a dissenting study made up of only four words: Tie, Domi, Belinda, Stronach.

II. Other scientists disagree, noting that this gap between ugly and graceful will continue to be bridged so long as there are software companies, hockey teams, and recording studios.

People would become choosier about their sexual partners, causing humanity to divide into sub-species, he added.

III. Other scientists disagree, noting that for many generations to come, humankind will still have gin.






ALBANY, N.Y. (AP) — R.J. Reynolds has agreed to a domestic ban on flavored cigarettes such as "Twista Lime" and "Mocha Taboo" that critics say are marketed to youths.

The company will, however, continue to sell their controversial 'Stuff by Hilary Duff' miniature cigars.



Sept 2006

In the face of mounting anger following the Pope's comments about Islam, The Vatican said Benedict did not intend the remarks to be offensive and sought to draw attention to the incompatibility of faith and violence.

Because if history has taught us anything, it's that religion and violence don't go together at all.



An al-Qaida-linked extremist group warned Pope Benedict on Monday that he and the West were "doomed," as protesters returned to the streets across the Muslim world to demand more of an apology from the pontiff for his remarks about Islam and violence.

But hey, the extremists are just exaggerating the Muslim world's anger. Almost cartoonishly exaggerating it.


AIKONUR, Kazakhstan (AP) – A rocket carrying four astronauts including the world's first female space tourist lifted off

Monday. Russian and US space programs pointed out that astronauts still need the "right stuff", but that the "right stuff" is now "lots and lots of money."


WASHINGTON (AP) — Researchers have deciphered for the first time the genetic code of a tree, which could lead to new varieties better at producing wood, paper and fuel.

Researchers were elated, noting that finally, "Not only God can make a tree."


Aug 2006

EDMONTON (CP) — A 10,000-year-old quarry rich with tools and weapons, including a pristine spearpoint still smeared with the blood of a woolly mammoth has been uncovered in Alberta. 

Albertans are excited about the artifacts, and can't wait to see how much oil they can get from a wooly mammoth.


WELLINGTON, New Zealand (AP) - A lunchtime parade of topless porn stars down the main street of New Zealand's biggest city has been given official approval - as no laws will be broken. Several city councillors opposed to the parade were surprised to find it had been given a green light without them being consulted.
"It is not like a television set you can turn off or a book you can shut," Councillor Noelene Raffills was reported telling The New Zealand Herald newspaper Tuesday.

Organizers agree, saying that it will be more like a television set you dont want to turn off, or a book you want to look at again and again.



Curry and tea could help slimmers lose weight, according to a new study. The ingredients are shown to aid digestion and influence overall food intake, researchers told medical journal Physiology and Behaviour.

Other researchers were skeptical about the findings because of, well, the British.


July 2006

NEW YORK (Reuters) - Diamonds are no longer a girl's best friend, according to a new U.S. study that found three of four women would prefer a new plasma TV to a diamond necklace. "People make the assumption that women are not as advanced as men when it comes to technology and I was surprised at the parity men and women now have in terms of technology," Geraldine Laybourne, chairman and chief executive of Oxygen Network, told Reuters.

Although this seems like a major shift, take comfort in the fact that women are still gold-digging whores.


VANCOUVER (CP) - Gold medal snowboarder Ross Rebagliati is suing CTV over a television show, Whistler, that he says makes him look like a drunken criminal.
CTV reps countered by noting that as the show is made and airs in Canada, no one is actually watching it.


Scientists examining prehistoric bodies found in the peat bogs of Ireland have discovered evidence of male grooming.
One of the bodies, dug up in 2003 at Clonycavan, near Dublin, had mohawk-style hair, held in place with a gel substance, reports The Times.The other, unearthed three months later 25 miles away in Oldcroghan, had carefully manicured fingernails.
So take comfort in the fact that men have always been gold-digging whores.


MONTREAL (CP) - k.d. lang criticized Stephen Harper for his refusal to attend the Out Games.
"It's a sad statement that the national leader of a country that's one of the most progressive countries in the world chooses to support intolerance," she told a news conference at the Olympic Stadium.

A Harper representative was quick to point out that efforts are underway to make Canada much less progressive.



ATLANTA (AP) - Feeling faint? Cross your ankles. Squeeze your knees. Grip a ball. Simple muscle-tensing exercises like these can keep you from passing out, say researchers who did a scientific study of the problem.

That, and laying off the tequila shots.


Prime Minister Stephen Harper gave the Canadian Olympic team a vote of confidence Thursday.During a brief phone conversation with Canadian flag-bearer Danielle Goyette, the new Conservative prime minister wished the team luck at the Winter Games, which open Friday in Turin, Italy.
"Good luck to you, Danielle, and to all of the team," Harper said. "On behalf of all Canadians, we are very proud indeed of all the efforts you've put forth up until now."

Some may dismiss the call as one of the empty ceremonial gestures of a politician, but need we remind you of then-PM Chretien's "I think you all suck. Prove me wrong" call before Nagano?


Six gay penguins at a German zoo are still refusing to mate with females of the species flown in from Sweden in 2005, the zoo said on Wednesday.
The problem was that the female Humboldt penguins have proven too shy in their advances, the director of the zoo in the northern port city of Bremerhaven said.
"The Swedes will not make the first move," Heike Kueck said.

1. "We can still make this work, but we have to track down some sluttier penguins."
2. That's right girls. You can turn the gays if you're just a bit more forward.


Brokeback Mountain tells the story of two men in love who never attain true happiness and peace because of societal constraints.

Stephen Harper calls it "the feel-good movie of the year."


A Goth Reverend is conducting special church services aimed at Goths. The candlelit Goth Eucharist services feature a specially written liturgy and music from bands like Depeche Mode, Joy Division and the Sisters of Mercy.
Rev Ramshaw said: "As Goths there is a broad sense of an outlook of life that focuses on the bad things. We all get knocks and sometimes life seems hopeless. The Goth Eucharist re-establishes a link; God is still there for you even if you have been blinded."

The services have been so successful that the church has plans to expand and hopes to offer services specific to many other types of losers.


A Russian woman took out a full page advert in a newspaper asking for sex to help cure her cancer.
Divorcee Elisaveta, 30, explained in the ad: "Doctors have discovered two lumps in my breast.
"They have told me the best way to beat cancer and stop the spread is to have sex."

She became suspicious, however, when they stipulated that ideally, the sex would take the form of a threeway, with doctors.


Gay Doctor Who star John Barrowman, 38, who's about to marry his gay partner in real life, was up for the role of Will in the sitcom, reports the Mirror. John said it was typical of "homophobic" Hollywood that it eventually went to straight actor Eric McCormack.

I. In a related story, a straight actor claimed that he lost a role because he wasnt gay enough, and was promptly mobbed and killed by members of GLAAD.
II. Producers denied that Barrowmans sexual orientation was an issue in the casting, noting that they in fact just hate British people.


New research indicates that most chimpanzees are
left-handed, using that arm to fish termites out of
mounds.

Other researchers welcomed the data, resolving that as
a result of the findings they will inject AIDS viruses
into the right arms of test chimpanzees from now on.


Staffers at Canadas public broadcaster say its
heartbreaking to be kept off Canadas television
screens and airwaves.

Many worry that Canadian programming may lose ground
during its lockout absence. The CBC was quick to
assure people that Royal Canadian Air Farce will be
back on the air for decades to come as soon as the
lockout is over, regardless of its relevance, quality,
or popularity.


A farmer has created a personal ad visible from the
air spelled out with corn. The message, measuring
about 900 feet wide by 600 feet, was easily legible
from the air - airplanes frequently pass over between
Rochester and New York City - when the stalks reached
seven feet tall.

Interest from many women grew considerably after they
realized that one of the seven foot stalks was not
corn.

Stalking - works every time.


Three unarmed Polish researchers stranded on a remote
Arctic island were rescued by helicopters as polar
bears were closing in on them, officials said
Wednesday.

The researchers and their rescuers expressed gratitude
and condolences to the family of the fourth
researcher.


A strike by Ontario's liquor-store workers could be
disastrous for some businesses in an industry that has
weathered one crisis after another over the past five
years, says the head of the province's restaurant
association.

A spokesman for the management noted that
the predicted crisis is unlikely, in that it hinges on
people ever, ever stopping drinking.


In a vanity Fair interview, Jennifer Aniston said she
was also hurt by a fashion spread in W magazine - a
concept of Pitt's - that showed the actor and Jolie as
a 1960s-style married couple. "There's a sensitivity
chip that's missing," Aniston says of Pitt.

Though she did admit that there is likely an extra hotness
chip where that sensitivity chip should be.


Mariners management responded to positive drug tests
of one of their pitchers.

"We are very disappointed to
learn this news," Mariners spokesman Tim Hevly said.
Those steroids were reserved for the batters, and how
he got into them, well never know.


SHANGHAI, China (AP) - Nearly 9,000 Russian and
Chinese troops began a mock assault on the beaches of
northern China on Tuesday for the final stage of
unprecedented joint war games between the two former
Cold War rivals.

In a more imaginative scenario, the Chinese enacted a
game in which they pretended to let Tibetans live in
freedom.



An American-born panda has given birth to a pair of
cubs in southwest China, the government said Thursday.
One was male and was being kept in an incubator.

The other cub, a female, was immediately killed.

Monday, October 8, 2007

One more bookmark to tend to

The myspace blog has been okay for posting headline jokes, but the time has come for something more.. robust. From now on I will be posting headline jokes and assorted photos and thoughts here. And other places too - it's potentially maddening.