JASPER, Texas - Deputies say they have found a toddler wandering alone on a Texas street, and methamphetamine and more than a dozen snakes in his mother's home.
I know, I know, "think of the children!", but I can't help but be preoccupied with thoughts of snakes on meth.
After his car was allegedly clocked at 194 km, a teenager’s car was impounded and his license revoked for a week while he awaited charges.
Now, I know that suspension seems short, but keep in mind, at the speed he was driving, that’s 32,694 km worth of suspension.
HART TOWNSHIP, Mich. (AP) — Police say a naked 14-year-old boy taking a walk with a large white poodle pushed a woman in Michigan then fled.
Deputies were relieved to find and apprehend the boy, as it allowed them to settle a station betting pool on whether he was mentally unstable, or he was imaginary and the woman was whacked on acid.
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Jokes: frogfish, cock fighting and voice boxing
British doctors are debating whether it is ethical to start clinical trials to allow voice box transplantation.
It is only a matter of time before other ethical questions will arise, such as how to decide who gets to have James Earl Jone’s voice box.
A brightly-coloured fish which bounces along the seabed has been hailed as a new species of frog fish by scientists - who have dubbed it "psychedelica".
Sadly, this discovery comes far too late for a late 60’s band to be named the New Psychedelica Frogfish.
Police and animal welfare officials near Toronto said they found a "sophisticated" cockfighting event in progress that featured on-site catering.
Because nothing says “sophisticated” like savoring a good meal as you watch your cockfight.
It is only a matter of time before other ethical questions will arise, such as how to decide who gets to have James Earl Jone’s voice box.
A brightly-coloured fish which bounces along the seabed has been hailed as a new species of frog fish by scientists - who have dubbed it "psychedelica".
Sadly, this discovery comes far too late for a late 60’s band to be named the New Psychedelica Frogfish.
Police and animal welfare officials near Toronto said they found a "sophisticated" cockfighting event in progress that featured on-site catering.
Because nothing says “sophisticated” like savoring a good meal as you watch your cockfight.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Jokes: Tar pits, word fossils, fairy tales
A linguistics team says it can predict which English words are likely to become extinct - citing "squeeze", "guts", "stick" and "bad" as probable first casualties.
That’s right, soon these words will be extinct, and no one will be able to understand any of the dialogue in today’s porn.
LOS ANGELES - Scientists are studying a huge cache of Ice Age fossil deposits recovered near Los Angeles' famous La Brea Tar Pits.
Incredible. They found fossils. Right beside a famous deposit of fossils.
LOS ANGELES - Property records show the house where the Southern California woman who gave birth to octuplets lives is under the threat of foreclosure.
The grandmother did note that at this point, it would really be more appropriate to live in a shoe.
That’s right, soon these words will be extinct, and no one will be able to understand any of the dialogue in today’s porn.
LOS ANGELES - Scientists are studying a huge cache of Ice Age fossil deposits recovered near Los Angeles' famous La Brea Tar Pits.
Incredible. They found fossils. Right beside a famous deposit of fossils.
LOS ANGELES - Property records show the house where the Southern California woman who gave birth to octuplets lives is under the threat of foreclosure.
The grandmother did note that at this point, it would really be more appropriate to live in a shoe.
Saturday, March 7, 2009
jokes: Russia sex marathons, underage cops, stray dogs and topless baristas
A new coffee shop in Maine features topless male and female staff.
Like Starbucks, they offer coffee and pastries. They have a very different version of "breakfast pairings” though.
A German shepherd named Astro who has been missing from his family for more than nine years is finally home.
The family is overjoyed that the dog they knew only as an adorable puppy has been returned to them as a borderline feral, smelly old dog that needs lots of medical care.
A man in Russia collapsed and died minutes after winning a $4,300 bet with two women that he could complete a 12 hour sex marathon with them.
One of the women told Moscow police: “We called emergency services but it was too late, there was nothing they could do.”
“And we are definitely not going to star in a porn film based on this event, and it will definitely not be called “the Russian Black Widow Twins’ Orgy to the Death.”
After a 14-year-old boy posing as a policemen drove a squad car and aided in an arrest before being found out, police superintendent said:
“We were very fortunate that a lot of tragic things didn’t happen.”
“because now we still get to make a Nickelodeon movie about it.”
Like Starbucks, they offer coffee and pastries. They have a very different version of "breakfast pairings” though.
A German shepherd named Astro who has been missing from his family for more than nine years is finally home.
The family is overjoyed that the dog they knew only as an adorable puppy has been returned to them as a borderline feral, smelly old dog that needs lots of medical care.
A man in Russia collapsed and died minutes after winning a $4,300 bet with two women that he could complete a 12 hour sex marathon with them.
One of the women told Moscow police: “We called emergency services but it was too late, there was nothing they could do.”
“And we are definitely not going to star in a porn film based on this event, and it will definitely not be called “the Russian Black Widow Twins’ Orgy to the Death.”
After a 14-year-old boy posing as a policemen drove a squad car and aided in an arrest before being found out, police superintendent said:
“We were very fortunate that a lot of tragic things didn’t happen.”
“because now we still get to make a Nickelodeon movie about it.”
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Jokes: Kissing, smiting, whining, marrying, warlocking
Canada’s decision to legalize gay marriage has paved the way for polygamy to be legal as well, a defense lawyer said Wednesday as the two leaders of rival polygamous communities made their first court appearance.
Huh. I guess it WAS a slippery slope. Sorry, our bad.
NEW YORK - Authorities investigating white powder found in envelopes at the Wall Street Journal newspaper in New York City and Harvard Law School in Massachusetts said it was harmless.
The powder prompted concern until it was revealed to be a routine cocaine delivery.
MEXICO CITY - In Mexico City nearly 40,000 people locked lips to set a new record for the world's largest group kiss.
In an unrelated development, Mexico has set the record for most new herpes cases.
ANCHORAGE, Alaska — Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin is criticizing bloggers and media that she says are perpetuating malicious gossip about her and her children.
“I don’t want my kids brought into this, “ said Palin. “I hate that, almost as much as I hate discussing specific political issues directly relevant to my ability to govern.”
MEXICO CITY - Mexico's self-proclaimed "Grand Warlock" says the United States will pull troops out of Iraq in 2009 and send them to the border with Mexico in an attempt to expand its territory.
They’re going to discover oil in Mexico? That IS outlandish!
Three men with drug debts were kidnapped, held for more than 12 hours, and threatened with death before they were saved by a fire call at a north end apartment complex, Toronto Police say.
The ordeal was almost enough to make some of the men quit scamming drug dealers.
WASHINGTON - Nature turned against an early civilization 3,600 years ago, when researchers say earthquakes and floods, followed by blowing sand, drove away residents of an area that is now in Peru.
I'm not deeply religious, but even to me, that says "smited".
Huh. I guess it WAS a slippery slope. Sorry, our bad.
NEW YORK - Authorities investigating white powder found in envelopes at the Wall Street Journal newspaper in New York City and Harvard Law School in Massachusetts said it was harmless.
The powder prompted concern until it was revealed to be a routine cocaine delivery.
MEXICO CITY - In Mexico City nearly 40,000 people locked lips to set a new record for the world's largest group kiss.
In an unrelated development, Mexico has set the record for most new herpes cases.
ANCHORAGE, Alaska — Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin is criticizing bloggers and media that she says are perpetuating malicious gossip about her and her children.
“I don’t want my kids brought into this, “ said Palin. “I hate that, almost as much as I hate discussing specific political issues directly relevant to my ability to govern.”
MEXICO CITY - Mexico's self-proclaimed "Grand Warlock" says the United States will pull troops out of Iraq in 2009 and send them to the border with Mexico in an attempt to expand its territory.
They’re going to discover oil in Mexico? That IS outlandish!
Three men with drug debts were kidnapped, held for more than 12 hours, and threatened with death before they were saved by a fire call at a north end apartment complex, Toronto Police say.
The ordeal was almost enough to make some of the men quit scamming drug dealers.
WASHINGTON - Nature turned against an early civilization 3,600 years ago, when researchers say earthquakes and floods, followed by blowing sand, drove away residents of an area that is now in Peru.
I'm not deeply religious, but even to me, that says "smited".
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Jokes: ships in space, torture on earth, drug scientists
CIA Director Michael Hayden said in an interview that whether waterboarding is torture is "an uninteresting question for the CIA."
"And if it was interesting to us, we’d torture someone until they told us all about it."
CALGARY - Canada's first astronaut says he's ready for life in cramped conditions that will slowly wear down his body and mind.
Then after that family road trip, he’s going into space!
TRENTON, N.J. – Drug company Pfizer Inc., is laying off up to 800 scientists in its latest effort to refocus and cut overhead
Pfizer is helping to locate jobs for the displaced, and also spearheading experiments to create superheroes to save us from the ranks of mad scientist supervillains these layoffs will no doubt create.
WASHINGTON - The head of NASA says the cost of continuing the life of the space shuttle past next year's planned retirement is $3 billion a year plus extending the risk of a deadly accident.
But buying out the lease at this point would be a real mess.
NASA's new shuttle will not be ready until March 2015, which would mean five years of NASA relying on Russia to get astronauts to the International Space Station.
Yes, that’s right America! Oil is down, the economy’s in the tubes, and now you have to depend on Russia for a lift.
A large fuel oil slick spilled into the Celtic Sea is heading to the coasts of Ireland and Wales.
The spill could enrich the already storied Irish culture, as Irish and Black Irish meet Greasy Black Irish.
A toy fair exhibitor in New York is offering a Bernard Madoff doll, which comes with a hammer to smash it to pieces. The doll retails for $99.95.
$100 seems kind of steep.. wait a sec, are we entirely sure that this toy company isn't owned by a parent company owned by Bernard Madoff?
"And if it was interesting to us, we’d torture someone until they told us all about it."
CALGARY - Canada's first astronaut says he's ready for life in cramped conditions that will slowly wear down his body and mind.
Then after that family road trip, he’s going into space!
TRENTON, N.J. – Drug company Pfizer Inc., is laying off up to 800 scientists in its latest effort to refocus and cut overhead
Pfizer is helping to locate jobs for the displaced, and also spearheading experiments to create superheroes to save us from the ranks of mad scientist supervillains these layoffs will no doubt create.
WASHINGTON - The head of NASA says the cost of continuing the life of the space shuttle past next year's planned retirement is $3 billion a year plus extending the risk of a deadly accident.
But buying out the lease at this point would be a real mess.
NASA's new shuttle will not be ready until March 2015, which would mean five years of NASA relying on Russia to get astronauts to the International Space Station.
Yes, that’s right America! Oil is down, the economy’s in the tubes, and now you have to depend on Russia for a lift.
A large fuel oil slick spilled into the Celtic Sea is heading to the coasts of Ireland and Wales.
The spill could enrich the already storied Irish culture, as Irish and Black Irish meet Greasy Black Irish.
A toy fair exhibitor in New York is offering a Bernard Madoff doll, which comes with a hammer to smash it to pieces. The doll retails for $99.95.
$100 seems kind of steep.. wait a sec, are we entirely sure that this toy company isn't owned by a parent company owned by Bernard Madoff?
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