Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Bachmann Turns Her Overdrive

The City of San Francisco is considering a proposal that would ban the sale of all pets within city limits.

Democratic party officials think the city is really just making it too easy for Mitt Romney's speech writers.

Residents of the Castro district are defiant:
"You will pry our French Bulldogs from our COLD DEAD HANDS."

Rocker Tom Petty has demanded Michele Bachmann stop using his hit American Girl at campaign rallies - because he doesn't agree with her politics.

He did, however, encourage her to use “Into the Great Wide Open” just as much as she likes.

Monday, June 27, 2011

breast milk spray

Police say a drunk Ohio woman sprayed officers with breast milk when they tried to arrest her.

A spokesperson for public breast-feeding advocate groups called it "a... victory? I guess?"

The officers were upset to be sprayed, but as my mother noted, there are starving children in Africa who would be happy to be sprayed with that milk.

Sadly, the woman was not drunk enough for the officers to get a decent buzz.

The woman was found to have a blood alcohol level of .10, while the arresting officers estimated the milk had about 5%.

Saturday, June 18, 2011

clergy, drunk parents

The Vatican has announced plans to establish a clergy sexual abuse help center.

Secular authorities responded that this seems a fine idea, but noted there is really a more pressing need for a victims of clergy sexual abuse help center.

Children who see their parents drunk are twice as likely to regularly get drunk themselves, a survey of young teenagers has suggested.

Thus the conventional wisdom must be revised: teenagers rebel against everything except getting hammered.

The findings may spell the end of the fledgling 'Take your Daughter to Happy Hour" initiative.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Tennessee law

A new Tennessee law makes it a crime to post an image online that might "frighten, intimidate or cause emotional distress" to someone.

In a related story, hundreds of Tennessee residents are reporting being frightened and intimidated by images depicting gay people, birth control or evolution.

A conservative senator read out a statement in the senate chamber today condemning the actions of page Brigitte DePape, who disrupted the Throne Speech in Parliament Friday.

The page's actions went against everything the senate stands for: not only did she take action in some way, but she was also known to habitually show up for work.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Jokes: crime and punishment edition - the kids are not okay

JASPER, Texas - Deputies say they have found a toddler wandering alone on a Texas street, and methamphetamine and more than a dozen snakes in his mother's home.

I know, I know, "think of the children!", but I can't help but be preoccupied with thoughts of snakes on meth.

After his car was allegedly clocked at 194 km, a teenager’s car was impounded and his license revoked for a week while he awaited charges.

Now, I know that suspension seems short, but keep in mind, at the speed he was driving, that’s 32,694 km worth of suspension.

HART TOWNSHIP, Mich. (AP) — Police say a naked 14-year-old boy taking a walk with a large white poodle pushed a woman in Michigan then fled.

Deputies were relieved to find and apprehend the boy, as it allowed them to settle a station betting pool on whether he was mentally unstable, or he was imaginary and the woman was whacked on acid.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Jokes: frogfish, cock fighting and voice boxing

British doctors are debating whether it is ethical to start clinical trials to allow voice box transplantation.

It is only a matter of time before other ethical questions will arise, such as how to decide who gets to have James Earl Jone’s voice box.

A brightly-coloured fish which bounces along the seabed has been hailed as a new species of frog fish by scientists - who have dubbed it "psychedelica".

Sadly, this discovery comes far too late for a late 60’s band to be named the New Psychedelica Frogfish.

Police and animal welfare officials near Toronto said they found a "sophisticated" cockfighting event in progress that featured on-site catering.

Because nothing says “sophisticated” like savoring a good meal as you watch your cockfight.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Jokes: Tar pits, word fossils, fairy tales

A linguistics team says it can predict which English words are likely to become extinct - citing "squeeze", "guts", "stick" and "bad" as probable first casualties.

That’s right, soon these words will be extinct, and no one will be able to understand any of the dialogue in today’s porn.

LOS ANGELES - Scientists are studying a huge cache of Ice Age fossil deposits recovered near Los Angeles' famous La Brea Tar Pits.

Incredible. They found fossils. Right beside a famous deposit of fossils.

LOS ANGELES - Property records show the house where the Southern California woman who gave birth to octuplets lives is under the threat of foreclosure.

The grandmother did note that at this point, it would really be more appropriate to live in a shoe.