LETHBRIDGE - Some bar owners in Alberta contend that smoking patrons will go out less often because of the province-wide smoking ban that goes into effect Jan. 1.
Oh, you foolish politicians! You wanted to control smoking, but now alcoholism is the baby you've thrown out with the bathwater!
Young and single soldiers have the highest rates of depression and post-traumatic stress disorders, a national survey led by a London psychiatrist has found.
So, hookers won’t help, but mail-order brides might.
Sunday, December 30, 2007
Stamps, fur, porn and homophobia (the good life)
BELLOWS FALLS, Vt. - The new owner of a hardware store made an unexpected discovery: a climate-controlled vault containing six fur coats, about a dozen suits and some dresses and hats, apparently untouched since the late 1970s.
After 30 years in the climate-controlled vault, The coats are in perfect condition and potentially very valuable. The pimps didn’t fare nearly as well, and will be disposed of.
DALLAS - A collector from New York has purchased a rare, 24-cent U.S. stamp depicting an upside-down airplane for $825,000. Heritage Auction Galleries did not identify the buyer of the "Inverted Jenny".
In related news, another auction netted a disappointing $650 for an inverted Jenny McCarthy.
PLAINFIELD TOWNSHIP, Mich. - A Michigan man's long search for his birth mother ended this week when he discovered that his birth mother has been working at the same hardware store as he.
It’s yet another reason to avoid dating in the workplace.
COOKEVILLE, Tenn. - A man is thinking about suing Wal-Mart because the MP3 video player he gave to his daughter for Christmas turned out to be loaded with explicit tunes and porn videos.
Comforting to me, because now there is something besides me that comes pre-loaded with porn.
COLOMBO, Sri Lanka - A Sri Lankan government minister and his bodyguards rampaged through the offices of a state television station and assaulted its news director before furious employees fought back and took them hostage, officials and witnesses said.
This could have been a fantastic plot for a holiday movie, if they had only managed to save Christmas while they were in there.
PORTLAND, Ore. - A federal judge in Oregon has placed a state domestic partnership law set to take effect Jan. 1 on hold, pending a February hearing, after an effort by gay-rights opponents fell 116 valid signatures short of the 55,179 needed to suspend the law.
Ugggh, just 116 signatures short! 55,000 homophobes strong, but not quite homophobic enough! But it’s not too late! Sign now Oregon, while there’s still time to make sure that some of your tax-paying citizens don’t get spousal health benefits, inheritances, or full custody of the children they raise.
After 30 years in the climate-controlled vault, The coats are in perfect condition and potentially very valuable. The pimps didn’t fare nearly as well, and will be disposed of.
DALLAS - A collector from New York has purchased a rare, 24-cent U.S. stamp depicting an upside-down airplane for $825,000. Heritage Auction Galleries did not identify the buyer of the "Inverted Jenny".
In related news, another auction netted a disappointing $650 for an inverted Jenny McCarthy.
PLAINFIELD TOWNSHIP, Mich. - A Michigan man's long search for his birth mother ended this week when he discovered that his birth mother has been working at the same hardware store as he.
It’s yet another reason to avoid dating in the workplace.
COOKEVILLE, Tenn. - A man is thinking about suing Wal-Mart because the MP3 video player he gave to his daughter for Christmas turned out to be loaded with explicit tunes and porn videos.
Comforting to me, because now there is something besides me that comes pre-loaded with porn.
COLOMBO, Sri Lanka - A Sri Lankan government minister and his bodyguards rampaged through the offices of a state television station and assaulted its news director before furious employees fought back and took them hostage, officials and witnesses said.
This could have been a fantastic plot for a holiday movie, if they had only managed to save Christmas while they were in there.
PORTLAND, Ore. - A federal judge in Oregon has placed a state domestic partnership law set to take effect Jan. 1 on hold, pending a February hearing, after an effort by gay-rights opponents fell 116 valid signatures short of the 55,179 needed to suspend the law.
Ugggh, just 116 signatures short! 55,000 homophobes strong, but not quite homophobic enough! But it’s not too late! Sign now Oregon, while there’s still time to make sure that some of your tax-paying citizens don’t get spousal health benefits, inheritances, or full custody of the children they raise.
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
gambling, new cute things, and relatives who won't go away
JAKARTA, Indonesia (AP) — Researchers in a remote jungle in Indonesia have discovered a giant rat and a tiny possum that are apparently new to science.
“It’s comforting to know that there is a place on Earth so isolated that it remains the absolute realm of wild nature," said expedition leader Bruce Beehler.
"Now we're going to helicopter in and clearcut a spot for a research centre."
The possum was described as “one of the worlds smallest marsupials.”
Sadly, now Paris Hilton wants one.
Loto-Quebec, the Atlantic Lottery Corp. and the Ontario Lottery and Gaming Corp. have teamed up with researchers at McGill University to urge parents to avoid giving their children lottery tickets as Christmas presents.
Oh way to go, guys. The kids didn't even want lottery tickets until you said they were bad.
LONDON - Britain may start requiring residents to pay deposits when their non-European Union family members visit - refundable only when the relatives go home, - according to a government proposal aimed at tightening borders and eliminating illegal immigration.
If you don't feel like returning them yourself, if you live downtown you can just leave them on the curb. According to the deposit structure, relatives under 50 kgs would hardly be worth returning, but the bigger ones will be attractive targets for relative-pickers. Then they can be recycled into something useful.
“It’s comforting to know that there is a place on Earth so isolated that it remains the absolute realm of wild nature," said expedition leader Bruce Beehler.
"Now we're going to helicopter in and clearcut a spot for a research centre."
The possum was described as “one of the worlds smallest marsupials.”
Sadly, now Paris Hilton wants one.
Loto-Quebec, the Atlantic Lottery Corp. and the Ontario Lottery and Gaming Corp. have teamed up with researchers at McGill University to urge parents to avoid giving their children lottery tickets as Christmas presents.
Oh way to go, guys. The kids didn't even want lottery tickets until you said they were bad.
LONDON - Britain may start requiring residents to pay deposits when their non-European Union family members visit - refundable only when the relatives go home, - according to a government proposal aimed at tightening borders and eliminating illegal immigration.
If you don't feel like returning them yourself, if you live downtown you can just leave them on the curb. According to the deposit structure, relatives under 50 kgs would hardly be worth returning, but the bigger ones will be attractive targets for relative-pickers. Then they can be recycled into something useful.
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Cats and mice and acid
LOS ANGELES - A biochemist who killed her husband by knocking him out and pouring hydrochloric acid on him was convicted Wednesday of first-degree murder.
Wow, dissolving a body in acid. No one would expect that. Unless of course, you’re a BIOCHEMIST.
TOKYO - Using genetic engineering, scientists at Tokyo University say they have created mice that display no fear of cats.
The specimenes were not on hand, as the researchers were not successful in their attempts to breed cats that don’t love eating fearless mice.
Wow, dissolving a body in acid. No one would expect that. Unless of course, you’re a BIOCHEMIST.
TOKYO - Using genetic engineering, scientists at Tokyo University say they have created mice that display no fear of cats.
The specimenes were not on hand, as the researchers were not successful in their attempts to breed cats that don’t love eating fearless mice.
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
jokes: prostitutes, chimpanzees, juiced-up athletes, and puppies!
The head of the Humane Society of the United States on Tuesday accused a Bel Air pet store catering to celebrities of selling puppies obtained from puppy mills.
In a related story, the parents of Britney Spears, and the parents of Ashley and Jessica Simpson are being accusing of selling celebrities obtained from celebrity mills.
Prostitutes in Germany are being given the chance to retrain as geriatric nurses.
Reached for comment, several geriatric patients asked for some non-retrained ones.
Mario Jones has been officially stripped of the five medals she won at the Sydney Olympics after admitting she used performance-enhancing drugs at the time.
Asked for comments, Jones flew into a rage and put her fist through a car window.
A young chimpanzee has resoundingly outperformed college students in memory tests in an experiment at Kyoto university.
Critics of the study suggested that the researchers didn’t compensate for the years of superior schooling enjoyed by the chimpanzee.
Researchers are excited for the next phase of the experiment, in which they use college students who aren't high.
It remains unclear whether or not chimpanzees are intelligent enough to be really pissed off that we’re still the Earth’s dominant species, and still messing it up huge.
A top female politician ín Holland wants Dutch prostitutes sent abroad with the troops to help them relax.
Spokespeople for military in several other countries criticized the idea, noting that if the Dutch soldiers have hookers, everyone else will want them too.
In a related story, the parents of Britney Spears, and the parents of Ashley and Jessica Simpson are being accusing of selling celebrities obtained from celebrity mills.
Prostitutes in Germany are being given the chance to retrain as geriatric nurses.
Reached for comment, several geriatric patients asked for some non-retrained ones.
Mario Jones has been officially stripped of the five medals she won at the Sydney Olympics after admitting she used performance-enhancing drugs at the time.
Asked for comments, Jones flew into a rage and put her fist through a car window.
A young chimpanzee has resoundingly outperformed college students in memory tests in an experiment at Kyoto university.
Critics of the study suggested that the researchers didn’t compensate for the years of superior schooling enjoyed by the chimpanzee.
Researchers are excited for the next phase of the experiment, in which they use college students who aren't high.
It remains unclear whether or not chimpanzees are intelligent enough to be really pissed off that we’re still the Earth’s dominant species, and still messing it up huge.
A top female politician ín Holland wants Dutch prostitutes sent abroad with the troops to help them relax.
Spokespeople for military in several other countries criticized the idea, noting that if the Dutch soldiers have hookers, everyone else will want them too.
Thursday, December 6, 2007
Cushtop
I recently had the good fortune to win a Belkin Cushtop, a foam cushion for notebook computers.
I wasn't entirely sure that the administrators of the contest would be willing to ship it to Canada, so I made inquiries to a few American friends to see if anyone needed one. Specifically, I asked:
-did they have a laptop
-in what position did they usually use their laptop?
-was heat a problem?
Several friends were hesitant to answer these questions, because they weren't entirely sure I wasn't referring to a sex act, for which "laptop" was some crazy Canadian euphemism.
And that was before I even mentioned the Cushtop.
So, comments: Is laptop slang for anything yet? If not, what should it be? And what of the Cushtop? Is Cushtop a body part? An act?
I wasn't entirely sure that the administrators of the contest would be willing to ship it to Canada, so I made inquiries to a few American friends to see if anyone needed one. Specifically, I asked:
-did they have a laptop
-in what position did they usually use their laptop?
-was heat a problem?
Several friends were hesitant to answer these questions, because they weren't entirely sure I wasn't referring to a sex act, for which "laptop" was some crazy Canadian euphemism.
And that was before I even mentioned the Cushtop.
So, comments: Is laptop slang for anything yet? If not, what should it be? And what of the Cushtop? Is Cushtop a body part? An act?
jokes: miniature hippos, plentiful manatees, and self esteem!
GENEVA - China continues to evict 13,000 people each month in preparation for the Beijing Olympics, despite worldwide attention and increased scrutiny, a housing rights group said Wednesday.
ON the plus side, for the first time, the athletes’ village will be an authentic village.
AYIA NAPA, Cyprus - Paleontologists have unearthed an estimated 80 dwarf hippos in Cyprus.
The miniature hippos were land-based, and occupied the island about 10000 years ago, during what scientists have termed the Cute Period.
KEY LARGO, Fla. - Manatees will remain on Florida's endangered species list for now. The commission had been considering whether to reclassify the manatee as a "threatened" species instead of "endangered."
They also retain their “animals that are on calendars all the time” designation, though they have slipped in ranking of “animals that girls draw on their binders.”
Researchers at Stanford University, who studied sedentary people for a year, found that automated exercise reminder phone calls had about the same get-up-and-go power as calls from human counsellors.
The researchers next project? To discover whether computer-generated messages of judgement and criticism can create self-hatred as consistently as those of actual teenage girls.
ON the plus side, for the first time, the athletes’ village will be an authentic village.
AYIA NAPA, Cyprus - Paleontologists have unearthed an estimated 80 dwarf hippos in Cyprus.
The miniature hippos were land-based, and occupied the island about 10000 years ago, during what scientists have termed the Cute Period.
KEY LARGO, Fla. - Manatees will remain on Florida's endangered species list for now. The commission had been considering whether to reclassify the manatee as a "threatened" species instead of "endangered."
They also retain their “animals that are on calendars all the time” designation, though they have slipped in ranking of “animals that girls draw on their binders.”
Researchers at Stanford University, who studied sedentary people for a year, found that automated exercise reminder phone calls had about the same get-up-and-go power as calls from human counsellors.
The researchers next project? To discover whether computer-generated messages of judgement and criticism can create self-hatred as consistently as those of actual teenage girls.
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
jokes: video games & loneliness & sexy dinosaurs
PARIS - Finnish students came out on top of a worldwide education study on science performance. Canadian students were third, U.S. students 29th.
Americans wanted to criticize the study, but they couldn't quite comprehend the structure of the experiment.
WASHINGTON - A new ecological report states that divorce can be bad for the environment, because A married household actually uses resources more efficiently than a divorced household.
So hey, lonely people: don’t just feel sad and inadequate. Feel guilty.
To the polygamists: I know you’re feeling smug right about now, but having three wives is only more efficient if you don’t have a dozen kids.
BOISE, Idaho - An Idaho newspaper is reporting that eight men have had sexual encounters with disgraced Republican Senator Larry Craig.
When an undercover cop said Craig solicited sex, that sounded kind of gay. But sleeping with eight people, now THAT sounds like a gay man.
The fossilized duckbilled hadrosaur is so well preserved that scientists have been able to calculate its muscle mass and learn that it was more muscular than thought, probably giving it the ability to outrun predators such as T. rex.
Wow. You know, I never really noticed how ripped that dinosaur mummy was. That, that is HOT.
More than 75% of parents are concerned about the content of video games played by their children, a survey suggests. Almost half of the 4,000 parents surveyed in the UK, France, Italy and Germany said that one hour of gaming each day should be the limit.
However, 40% of those parents also said that it is anyone’s responsibility except theirs to establish discipline or healthy habits for their offspring.
Americans wanted to criticize the study, but they couldn't quite comprehend the structure of the experiment.
WASHINGTON - A new ecological report states that divorce can be bad for the environment, because A married household actually uses resources more efficiently than a divorced household.
So hey, lonely people: don’t just feel sad and inadequate. Feel guilty.
To the polygamists: I know you’re feeling smug right about now, but having three wives is only more efficient if you don’t have a dozen kids.
BOISE, Idaho - An Idaho newspaper is reporting that eight men have had sexual encounters with disgraced Republican Senator Larry Craig.
When an undercover cop said Craig solicited sex, that sounded kind of gay. But sleeping with eight people, now THAT sounds like a gay man.
The fossilized duckbilled hadrosaur is so well preserved that scientists have been able to calculate its muscle mass and learn that it was more muscular than thought, probably giving it the ability to outrun predators such as T. rex.
Wow. You know, I never really noticed how ripped that dinosaur mummy was. That, that is HOT.
More than 75% of parents are concerned about the content of video games played by their children, a survey suggests. Almost half of the 4,000 parents surveyed in the UK, France, Italy and Germany said that one hour of gaming each day should be the limit.
However, 40% of those parents also said that it is anyone’s responsibility except theirs to establish discipline or healthy habits for their offspring.
Saturday, December 1, 2007
Homosexuals Agenda Wicked
THE CANADIAN PRESS CALGARY -- A human rights panel says an Alberta man and a group called the Concerned Christian Coalition broke the province's human rights law by writing a letter that likely exposed gays to hatred and contempt. The letter, written by Stephen Boissoin in 2002 when he was a member of the coalition, was published in the Red Deer Advocate newspaper. The letter was entitled "Homosexual agenda wicked" and suggested gays are as immoral as pedophiles, drug dealers and pimps.
** A break here for word play! How many different ways can we read that title? **
1. Homosexual Agenda Wicked ("Listen up, concerned citizens! Homosexual people have an agenda and it is evil.")
2. Homosexual! Agenda?! Wicked! ("I'm homosexual. I have an agenda? I'm stoked about that! It is radically awesome!"
3. Homosexual Agenda: Wicked. ("Welcome, homosexuals. Is everyone here? Great. As scheduled, we'll start off by discussing the hit Broadway musical..."
4. Homosexual! Agenda - Wicked! (Hey, look, over there, a homosexual! I shall change my mindset and intentions to wicked mode!")
Judging by the body of the letter, its author was probably intending the first interpretation. But maybe not. This could all be one big misunderstanding.
Actual article at: http://www.canoe.ca/WesternTicker/CANOE-wire.Alta-Gay-Hate-Ruling.html
** A break here for word play! How many different ways can we read that title? **
1. Homosexual Agenda Wicked ("Listen up, concerned citizens! Homosexual people have an agenda and it is evil.")
2. Homosexual! Agenda?! Wicked! ("I'm homosexual. I have an agenda? I'm stoked about that! It is radically awesome!"
3. Homosexual Agenda: Wicked. ("Welcome, homosexuals. Is everyone here? Great. As scheduled, we'll start off by discussing the hit Broadway musical..."
4. Homosexual! Agenda - Wicked! (Hey, look, over there, a homosexual! I shall change my mindset and intentions to wicked mode!")
Judging by the body of the letter, its author was probably intending the first interpretation. But maybe not. This could all be one big misunderstanding.
Actual article at: http://www.canoe.ca/WesternTicker/CANOE-wire.Alta-Gay-Hate-Ruling.html
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