LONDON - A fire department official in Britain says Jenny Marsey's miraculous underwear saved the day when her nephew put out a grease fire by grabbing the nearest thing from a pile of washing to smother the fire - a wet pair of his aunt's size 18 underwear.
What was a wet pair of her underwear doing in the kitchen? Inquiring minds don’t want to know.
EDMONTON - Construction and energy companies are happy with an Alberta court ruling that upholds the right of employers to test workers in safety-sensitive jobs for drugs. In their ruling the judges noted that "extending human rights protections to situations resulting in placing the lives of others at risk flies in the face of logic."
“Except for the criminal code.”
WEST HEMPSTEAD, N.Y. - Dr. Herman Weiss says yesterday "was just my day" after the obstetrician saved his wife and six children from a fire that ravaged their home, delivered a baby while the house was still smoldering - then got cited with building violations.
To top it all off, the baby he delivered was hideous.
PRINCE GEORGE, B.C. - The ice jam that has threatened to flood homes for almost a month and forced the residents of a further eight houses onto evacuation alert Monday could remain a problem until spring, says a city spokesman. Don Schaffer said there isn't anywhere for the ice to go and it could continue to plug up the city's waterways.
Enjoy this, people – it’s the last time that an excess of ice is going to be the problem.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Wine, meth and Grade A, Top Choice Meat
The pleasure centers of the brain responded more strongly to pricey wines than cheap ones — even when tasters were given the same vintage in disguise in a recent California Institute of Technology study.
Next up? A more complex study involving differently priced, different vintages of prostitutes.
Battered in recent years by the mad cow scare, animal-rights activists, and health concerns about red meat, Ontario's beef producers need to build a "brand" around their beef
as a top-quality, locally-made product.
For those who haven’t been following our Canadian news, these days Ontario’s other top-quality, locally-made product is crystal meth.
Key for the campaign: new mud-slinging slogans for other meats:
“chicken – they keep them in cages smaller than veal”
“pork – the other, weird white meat”
It’s not surprising that the brand is hurting, after last year’s risky, ultimately unsuccessful slogan: “Beef – it’s what’s for your last meal.”
Business journalist Michael Vaughan told delegates that consumers can be convinced beef is a healthy and convenient staple of meals.
In the same way they can be convinced that Twinkies are food, SUVs are safe and practical family vehicles, and polar bears aren’t drowning and love Coca-cola.
Canadian criminals are dumping MDMA into the United States. RCMP Supt. Ron Allen noted that "it's not something to wear with pride" that Canada is a source for the deadly drug.
You are entirely right. This is a highly destructive, unnatural substance and not to be proud of. Our British Columbia hydroponic, on the other hand, should be on our five dollar bill.
"Obviously we are not recommending people check their MDMA for meth," Allen said. "The only answer is don't do either one."
Stunningly, drug users across North America have arrived at a whole bunch of other answers.
U.S. drug czar John Walters called the deadly mixture "extreme Ecstasy".
In a related development, all the kids are clamoring to try this new "Extreme Ecstasy" they've heard about.
Next up? A more complex study involving differently priced, different vintages of prostitutes.
Battered in recent years by the mad cow scare, animal-rights activists, and health concerns about red meat, Ontario's beef producers need to build a "brand" around their beef
as a top-quality, locally-made product.
For those who haven’t been following our Canadian news, these days Ontario’s other top-quality, locally-made product is crystal meth.
Key for the campaign: new mud-slinging slogans for other meats:
“chicken – they keep them in cages smaller than veal”
“pork – the other, weird white meat”
It’s not surprising that the brand is hurting, after last year’s risky, ultimately unsuccessful slogan: “Beef – it’s what’s for your last meal.”
Business journalist Michael Vaughan told delegates that consumers can be convinced beef is a healthy and convenient staple of meals.
In the same way they can be convinced that Twinkies are food, SUVs are safe and practical family vehicles, and polar bears aren’t drowning and love Coca-cola.
Canadian criminals are dumping MDMA into the United States. RCMP Supt. Ron Allen noted that "it's not something to wear with pride" that Canada is a source for the deadly drug.
You are entirely right. This is a highly destructive, unnatural substance and not to be proud of. Our British Columbia hydroponic, on the other hand, should be on our five dollar bill.
"Obviously we are not recommending people check their MDMA for meth," Allen said. "The only answer is don't do either one."
Stunningly, drug users across North America have arrived at a whole bunch of other answers.
U.S. drug czar John Walters called the deadly mixture "extreme Ecstasy".
In a related development, all the kids are clamoring to try this new "Extreme Ecstasy" they've heard about.
Friday, January 11, 2008
cow heads, stoned felons, and prostitution
TORONTO - A suspended Toronto cop was found guilty of propositioning an undercover female officer for sex on Jarvis St., in the midst of a preliminary hearing into drug squad corruption two years ago today.
To give some idea of the awkwardness, that’s like if you saw that chick from accounting out on the street and tried to pay her for sex, but she was actually an undercover accountant.
DARWIN, Australia - An Australian teenager blamed the influence of marijuana for his decision to steal two crocodiles and a monkey, news media reported Wednesday.
Marijuana initially seemed an unlikely cause, but when recovered, one of the crocodiles had a bite out of it.
NORRISTOWN, Pa. - A Pennsylvania man who mailed a bloody cow's head to his wife's lover has been sentenced to probation and community service.
Still justice hasn’t been done – they didn’t even charge the guy at Mail Boxes Etc.
A love triangle may be behind a botched break-in in Langdon that ended in the death of one of the home invaders. Sources said the 24-year-old woman in the home, who was not hurt in the incident, may have had prior romantic involvement with one of the suspects.
Wow. I really hope this comes down to self-defense, because a home is a sanctuary, and because if people are even kind of entitled to invade the homes of chicks they’ve slept with, I am going to need to invest in a security system, immediately.
ORLANDO, Fla. - The home of Mickey Mouse, Tigger and Tinkerbell has banned kids from its fanciest restaurant.
And so Walt Disney World comes one step closer to being my idea of the happiest place on Earth.
HALIFAX - A local campaign to bring David Letterman to Nova Scotia received a boost this week when premier Rodney MacDonald offered a Top 10 list of reasons for Letterman to visit the Maritime province.
Wow, David Letterman. I guess the only thing more impressive than that would be bringing jobs.
Oh come on. David Letterman’s not coming to Nova Scotia. He doesn’t need EI!
That would be cool for them, but first you better make sure that the rest of Canada can afford to pay the costs to bring him.
TORONTO - Aboriginals in eastern Ontario warned Friday that they would illegally occupy the site of a proposed uranium mine unless the province calls a halt to the project.
"The destruction of the land, the consequence of a uranium mine being built, and the health effects will be devastating on our community," said former Ardoch chief Robert Lovelace.
Said the provincial government: “We are surprised to hear that their community has remained undevastated for this long.”
To give some idea of the awkwardness, that’s like if you saw that chick from accounting out on the street and tried to pay her for sex, but she was actually an undercover accountant.
DARWIN, Australia - An Australian teenager blamed the influence of marijuana for his decision to steal two crocodiles and a monkey, news media reported Wednesday.
Marijuana initially seemed an unlikely cause, but when recovered, one of the crocodiles had a bite out of it.
NORRISTOWN, Pa. - A Pennsylvania man who mailed a bloody cow's head to his wife's lover has been sentenced to probation and community service.
Still justice hasn’t been done – they didn’t even charge the guy at Mail Boxes Etc.
A love triangle may be behind a botched break-in in Langdon that ended in the death of one of the home invaders. Sources said the 24-year-old woman in the home, who was not hurt in the incident, may have had prior romantic involvement with one of the suspects.
Wow. I really hope this comes down to self-defense, because a home is a sanctuary, and because if people are even kind of entitled to invade the homes of chicks they’ve slept with, I am going to need to invest in a security system, immediately.
ORLANDO, Fla. - The home of Mickey Mouse, Tigger and Tinkerbell has banned kids from its fanciest restaurant.
And so Walt Disney World comes one step closer to being my idea of the happiest place on Earth.
HALIFAX - A local campaign to bring David Letterman to Nova Scotia received a boost this week when premier Rodney MacDonald offered a Top 10 list of reasons for Letterman to visit the Maritime province.
Wow, David Letterman. I guess the only thing more impressive than that would be bringing jobs.
Oh come on. David Letterman’s not coming to Nova Scotia. He doesn’t need EI!
That would be cool for them, but first you better make sure that the rest of Canada can afford to pay the costs to bring him.
TORONTO - Aboriginals in eastern Ontario warned Friday that they would illegally occupy the site of a proposed uranium mine unless the province calls a halt to the project.
"The destruction of the land, the consequence of a uranium mine being built, and the health effects will be devastating on our community," said former Ardoch chief Robert Lovelace.
Said the provincial government: “We are surprised to hear that their community has remained undevastated for this long.”
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