An open letter to stand up comedians:
Life is good, comics. After years in a low zone, stand up is coming into vogue as a form again. More people are seeing it, more people are talking about it, and more comedians are achieving itty-bitty rock star status.
This is good for all of us. Let's bring our 'a' games to this fun new golden age.
Let's retire some hack material.
I'd like to nominate two subjects of hackness here today. First, any and all jokes about computers that use a combination of "RAM", "hard drive" and "floppy disk" references as sexual puns. Floppy disks haven't been used for 15 years or so - if you're still using them as a punch line, it's time to upgrade, as it were.
Second, cougar jokes. These ones were so easy that I almost wonder if the whole 'cougar' slang phenomenon was actually invented by comedians the way greeting card companies invented Secretary's Day. Cougar jokes spread quickly, so even though they haven't been around as long as computer jokes, it is time for them to stop. I know that some comics want these ones to stick around the way they want Bush to do a third term, but just have faith that some other easy reference will come along that you will come to love as much as you love your cougar jokes.
Just a thought.
PS I'm not implying I don't have problems of my own with regards to writing (Don't you hate it when a comedian uses her sexual orientation as a crutch? Yeah, that sucks...) Working on it.
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Headline jokes: best of the old pack
To start off the headline jokes on this spanking new blog, I offer a few greatest hits. For now, the rest of the old headline jokes can still be viewed on my myspace blog, and the ancient ones at http://juliasquota.blogspot.com/.
April 2007
MONTREAL (CP) - High school students rescued from a Greek cruise ship returned home Sunday, four days after the boat they were on sank to the bottom of the Aegean Sea.
It was a happy ending for everyone except the producers of Girls Gone Wild, who lost "irreplaceable" footage taken earlier on the cruise, when co-eds were going SPRING BREAK CRAZY WILD!
TORONTO (CP) - The Carleton Graduate Students' Association is spearheading an initiative to educate some 3,300 grad students on how to safeguard their intellectual property while ensuring they're being properly recognized for their work.
In response to the initiative, Carleton professors are spearheading a quieter initiative to figure out where they're going to get all their ideas from now.
CALCUTTA, India (AP) - A farmer in Eastern India has discovered his calf making a meal of his poultry. "I've never read or heard about cows turning carnivorous," said local veterinarian Mihir Tripathy.
Soon many in India may be faced with a theological quandary: is a cow still sacred if it's eating you?
Researchers at Berlin claim they have now, for the first time, identified people's decisions about how they would later do a high-level mental activity using brain scans. The potential implications alarm some ethicists who fear the technology could one day be abused by authorities, marketers, or employers.
The scientists' next goal? To prove using brain scans that ethicists are stupid wimps.
JEFFERSON CITY, Mo. (AP) - A member the Supremes pushed Thursday for a change in Missouri law to prevent cover bands from promoting themselves as the real thing. The Missouri legislation would make it illegal for people to make a false or misleading connection to the real group in their advertising or musical performance.
The law would also make it illegal for Kevin Federline to promote himself as anything.
Feb 2007
Dr. Guy Cardineau says the fruits of two decades of isolating the antidotes to a host of diseases into plants could be on the threshold of widespread use, rendering squeamishness over needles obsolete.
That's right, soon even those of use who can't tolerate needles can experience the pleasures of needle drugs.
In a successful raid on a drug ring that transported drugs from Nova Scotia to Ontario, police seized a quantity of cocaine, marijuana and prescription drugs but their largest haul was anabolic steroids.
So if you're in Toronto, and your personal trainer seems less buff, your stock broker a bit off his game, and your teenager antsy, now you know why.
A US Cafe has developed a process to caffeinate pastries.
And if you think that's great, just way until you add some cocaine cream cheese. Then top it with some crystal meth strawberry jelly. We call it the speedball breakfast.
CAPE CANAVERAL, Fla. (AP) - U.S. astronaut Sunita Williams has now spent more time in space than any other woman, setting the record on Sunday as she and a crew mate upgraded the international space station's cooling system.
Male astronauts pointed out that Williams' walks would have been shorter if she had focused on the repair goals instead of meandering around looking at everything.
The Mission Merchants Association in San Francisco is in a bind about a proposed porn shoot location in a historic building, with some members arguing the studio would provide an economic boost and others worried it would attract perverts, said Jean Feilmoser, president of the group.
Umm, this is San Francisco. It's a bit late to worry about attracting perverts. ..
VATICAN CITY (Reuters Life!) - Smoke got in his eyes. Too much of it, so he asked the Roman Catholic Church to annul his marriage when his wife refused to kick the nicotine habit.That is just one of the, well, hazy cases that wound up before the Vatican's Sacra Romana Rota, a top court which hears the most complicated of marriage annulment requests.
And that sounds complicated to us. These people can't get their heads around domestic violence or birth control, so they must be plenty confused.
Experts say Canada's chilly climate, sprawling land mass and resource-based economy aren't good enough reasons to absolve Canadians of a growing responsibility to go green and reduce the impact they're having on the world's environment.
As opposed to before, when the fact that Canada is big, cold and sells oil was more than reason enough for us to play a key role in destroying the planet .
Police issued a plea Sunday for a mother to turn herself in after a baby girl, no more than an hour old, was found wrapped in a towel on the back step of a Saskatchewan home in -29 C temperatures.
In a related story, a Winnipeg company will soon be producing special highly insulated baskets to allow scared mothers to abandon children in frosty Canada with the same level of ease as stigmatized, scared new mothers in warmer climates.
An Edmonton woman is smoking mad after being scolded by Mayor Stephen Mandel for buying a pack of cigarettes - but Mandel insists it was a joke.
"Just because they have won an election with 40% of the 30% who vote, all of a sudden they are the avatar of community standards," said a University of Alberta professor.
Former premier Ralph Klein is said to be planning to go to Edmonton, get drunk and yell at the mayor.
PRINCETON, N.J. (AP) - The extrasensory perception lab at Princeton University will be shuttered at the end of the month.
The researchers are disappointed, but are claiming they saw it coming.
HEROUXVILLE, Que. (CP)— Clad in traditional Islamic head scarves, a delegation of Muslim women paid a visit Sunday to the Quebec town that passed a controversial code aimed at potential immigrants. But much of the code remained the same and the council repeated a call for changes to the Charter of Rights and Freedoms to avoid "unreasonable accommodation" of minorities.
Right, so Quebec is cracking down on unreasonable accommodations for minorities? Pay attention people, I know we're going to be able to use this against them later.
After three years, scientists at the University of Jena have given up their battle to to persuade Mats the sloth to co-operate in an experiment on animal movement.
This is the most boring use of the word 'battle' ever.
VICTORIA (CP) — British Columbia plans to rely on its forests and agricultural land to help reach its ambitious greenhouse gas emission targets.
It's BC, so I'm guessing that will be the kind of "trees" that you can smoke.
BERLIN (CP) - British and American children are among the worst off in the industrialized world, according to a UN report Wednesday that ranked the well-being of youngsters in 21 wealthy countries.
Child Advocates in Britain cautioned the government that Oliver is a story, not a goal.
Jan 2007
Rebecca Arnold Dawson, 34, was charged with malicious castration in a fight early Tuesday at a party hosted by the 38-year-old man's girlfriend, police said.The castration arrest was the first of its kind in Lillington, a town of about 3,000 roughly 50 kilometres south of Raleigh, Powers said.
One would hope. No town wants to be known as "The home of Malicious Castration."
Dec 2006
QUEBEC (CP) - Police have issued an arrest warrant for former Olympic biathlon champion Myriam Bedard, who is suspected of kidnapping her daughter to the U.S.
Authorities can not confirm that she's not armed, so be careful - she's a heck of a shot.
OTTAWA (CP) - A November cold snap prompted Public Safety Minister Stockwell Day to dismiss Al Gore's climate change crusade in a weblog post brimming with mockery.
Many pundits are expressing surprise that the Conservative Party allowed Stockwell Day to have a blog.
What he said was kind of stupid. But stupid is relative – a majority of people somewhere elected this guy.
In a related development, Day's staff are now including slander lawsuit settlements in annual budget proposals.
Reached for comment, a Tory spokesperson said "It's Stockwell Day, and he said something stupid. Where's the news?"
LONDON (AP) - An official report on the death of the Princess of Wales this week will disclose the that U.S. Secret Service was bugging Diana's phone without the approval of its British counterpart, a British newspaper reported.
What was on the tapes? You'll have to wait for the exclusive story in this week's edition of Hello magazine.
OTTAWA (CP) - Everyone has heard stories of overworked, stressed-out nurses, but a new Statistics Canada study suggests that the job is making nurses sick. The study surveyed nearly 19,000 nurses between October 2005 and January 2006, including registered nurses, licensed practical nurses and registered psychiatric nurses.
Many of them may benefit from medical help, but who wants to be at work on their time off?
BEIJING (AP) - The long arms of the world's tallest man saved two dolphins in northeast China by reaching inside of them to remove plastic they had swallowed, state media reported Thursday.
Aww, that reminds me of this time with an IUD that.. ummm never mind.
The Commons status of women committee plans to hold two extra meetings in early December to discuss the closure of most of the country's office for the Status of Women. Of the 16 regional offices, only Ottawa, Edmonton, Montreal and Moncton will be spared.
So chicks should totally move to those places.
Dec 2006
OTTAWA (CP) - The Conservative government is bringing the divisive issue of same-sex marriage back to the floor of the Commons . But the timing - at the tail end of the fall session of Parliament, with minimal debate - suggests the Tories may be tacitly admitting they don't have enough support among other parties to restore the traditional definition of marriage as a union of man and woman.
Others say the Tory's are strategically giving up on same sex marriage, but waiting to put up a strong fight against the human-goat marriage bills that are the inevitable next step on this slippery slope.
Charles McVety, head of the independent Defend Marriage movement, says that "the religious freedom of clergy and educators, along with the interests of children who are best raised by a mother and father," are at stake.
"Or a single mother. Or a single father. Or grandparents, or group homes, or any combination of adults, or teenagers who get pregnant, or two people of the same sex so long as they don't love each other."
McVety added that all Canadians should be concerned, as it takes a village to raise a child. But NOT the Village People. (They would probably love that, at least at first. Dress-up! And they'd all be easy to understand and relate to because they're each a stereotype.)
A spokesperson for gay rights said that "we respectfully ask Mr. Mevety to restrict his arguments to hateful stereotypes about gay marriage, and save the hateful stereotypes about gay parenting for adoption discussions."
Across the country, gay rights advocates celebrated the transition of equal marriage rights from "actual issue" to "political ploy that Canadians don't give a rat's ass about."
LONDON (AP) - Humans will have to colonize planets in far-flung solar systems if the race is to survive, renowned physicist Stephen Hawking said in an interview Thursday as he was awarded a top honour.
"Sooner or later, disasters such as an asteroid collision or nuclear war could wipe us all out. But once we spread out into space and establish independent colonies, our future should be safe."
Well if it's as successful as that last round of colonialism, you can count me in!
Spacecraft capable of traveling to other solar systems in less than 50 000 years are not yet in existence. "We also don't know what sort of life would be on the other planets, so we don't know how best to go about destroying their cultures and stealing their land."
EDMONTON (CP) - Alberta Progressive Conservatives are choosing a new party leader to replace Ralph Klein.
Strategists say that right-wing candidate Morton has a strong chance, in part because the critical 'non-wing-nut' vote will be split between Stelmach and Dinning.
The results will be in Saturday night, which in the case of a Morton victory will allow gay Albertans the rest of the weekend to pack.
Nov 2006
Employees at Steam Whistle Brewery have decided to donate one week's worth of staff beer rations to soldiers stationed in Afghanistan. The company has vowed to match those donations.
1. Troops are said to be grateful, but everyone else in Canada is reportedly sad that their employers don't offer beer rations.
2. In a more disconcerting gesture, staff of Foothills hospital have also pledged a week of their beer rations to troops.
October 2006
Humanity may split into two sub-species in 100,000 years' time as predicted by HG Wells, an expert has said. Evolutionary theorist Oliver Curry of the London School of Economics expects a genetic upper class and a dim-witted underclass to emerge. The descendants of the genetic upper class would be tall, slim, healthy, attractive, intelligent, and creative and a far cry from the "underclass" humans who would have evolved into dim-witted, ugly, squat goblin-like creatures.
I. Other scientists voiced disagreement, issuing a dissenting study made up of only four words: Tie, Domi, Belinda, Stronach.
II. Other scientists disagree, noting that this gap between ugly and graceful will continue to be bridged so long as there are software companies, hockey teams, and recording studios.
People would become choosier about their sexual partners, causing humanity to divide into sub-species, he added.
III. Other scientists disagree, noting that for many generations to come, humankind will still have gin.
ALBANY, N.Y. (AP) — R.J. Reynolds has agreed to a domestic ban on flavored cigarettes such as "Twista Lime" and "Mocha Taboo" that critics say are marketed to youths.
The company will, however, continue to sell their controversial 'Stuff by Hilary Duff' miniature cigars.
Sept 2006
In the face of mounting anger following the Pope's comments about Islam, The Vatican said Benedict did not intend the remarks to be offensive and sought to draw attention to the incompatibility of faith and violence.
Because if history has taught us anything, it's that religion and violence don't go together at all.
An al-Qaida-linked extremist group warned Pope Benedict on Monday that he and the West were "doomed," as protesters returned to the streets across the Muslim world to demand more of an apology from the pontiff for his remarks about Islam and violence.
But hey, the extremists are just exaggerating the Muslim world's anger. Almost cartoonishly exaggerating it.
AIKONUR, Kazakhstan (AP) – A rocket carrying four astronauts including the world's first female space tourist lifted off
Monday. Russian and US space programs pointed out that astronauts still need the "right stuff", but that the "right stuff" is now "lots and lots of money."
WASHINGTON (AP) — Researchers have deciphered for the first time the genetic code of a tree, which could lead to new varieties better at producing wood, paper and fuel.
Researchers were elated, noting that finally, "Not only God can make a tree."
Aug 2006
EDMONTON (CP) — A 10,000-year-old quarry rich with tools and weapons, including a pristine spearpoint still smeared with the blood of a woolly mammoth has been uncovered in Alberta.
Albertans are excited about the artifacts, and can't wait to see how much oil they can get from a wooly mammoth.
WELLINGTON, New Zealand (AP) - A lunchtime parade of topless porn stars down the main street of New Zealand's biggest city has been given official approval - as no laws will be broken. Several city councillors opposed to the parade were surprised to find it had been given a green light without them being consulted. "It is not like a television set you can turn off or a book you can shut," Councillor Noelene Raffills was reported telling The New Zealand Herald newspaper Tuesday.
Organizers agree, saying that it will be more like a television set you dont want to turn off, or a book you want to look at again and again.
Curry and tea could help slimmers lose weight, according to a new study. The ingredients are shown to aid digestion and influence overall food intake, researchers told medical journal Physiology and Behaviour.
Other researchers were skeptical about the findings because of, well, the British.
July 2006
NEW YORK (Reuters) - Diamonds are no longer a girl's best friend, according to a new U.S. study that found three of four women would prefer a new plasma TV to a diamond necklace. "People make the assumption that women are not as advanced as men when it comes to technology and I was surprised at the parity men and women now have in terms of technology," Geraldine Laybourne, chairman and chief executive of Oxygen Network, told Reuters.
Although this seems like a major shift, take comfort in the fact that women are still gold-digging whores.
VANCOUVER (CP) - Gold medal snowboarder Ross Rebagliati is suing CTV over a television show, Whistler, that he says makes him look like a drunken criminal.
CTV reps countered by noting that as the show is made and airs in Canada, no one is actually watching it.
Scientists examining prehistoric bodies found in the peat bogs of Ireland have discovered evidence of male grooming. One of the bodies, dug up in 2003 at Clonycavan, near Dublin, had mohawk-style hair, held in place with a gel substance, reports The Times.The other, unearthed three months later 25 miles away in Oldcroghan, had carefully manicured fingernails.
So take comfort in the fact that men have always been gold-digging whores.
MONTREAL (CP) - k.d. lang criticized Stephen Harper for his refusal to attend the Out Games. "It's a sad statement that the national leader of a country that's one of the most progressive countries in the world chooses to support intolerance," she told a news conference at the Olympic Stadium.
A Harper representative was quick to point out that efforts are underway to make Canada much less progressive.
ATLANTA (AP) - Feeling faint? Cross your ankles. Squeeze your knees. Grip a ball. Simple muscle-tensing exercises like these can keep you from passing out, say researchers who did a scientific study of the problem.
That, and laying off the tequila shots.
Prime Minister Stephen Harper gave the Canadian Olympic team a vote of confidence Thursday.During a brief phone conversation with Canadian flag-bearer Danielle Goyette, the new Conservative prime minister wished the team luck at the Winter Games, which open Friday in Turin, Italy. "Good luck to you, Danielle, and to all of the team," Harper said. "On behalf of all Canadians, we are very proud indeed of all the efforts you've put forth up until now." Some may dismiss the call as one of the empty ceremonial gestures of a politician, but need we remind you of then-PM Chretien's "I think you all suck. Prove me wrong" call before Nagano?
Six gay penguins at a German zoo are still refusing to mate with females of the species flown in from Sweden in 2005, the zoo said on Wednesday. The problem was that the female Humboldt penguins have proven too shy in their advances, the director of the zoo in the northern port city of Bremerhaven said. "The Swedes will not make the first move," Heike Kueck said.
1. "We can still make this work, but we have to track down some sluttier penguins."
2. That's right girls. You can turn the gays if you're just a bit more forward.
Brokeback Mountain tells the story of two men in love who never attain true happiness and peace because of societal constraints.
Stephen Harper calls it "the feel-good movie of the year."
A Goth Reverend is conducting special church services aimed at Goths. The candlelit Goth Eucharist services feature a specially written liturgy and music from bands like Depeche Mode, Joy Division and the Sisters of Mercy.
Rev Ramshaw said: "As Goths there is a broad sense of an outlook of life that focuses on the bad things. We all get knocks and sometimes life seems hopeless. The Goth Eucharist re-establishes a link; God is still there for you even if you have been blinded."
The services have been so successful that the church has plans to expand and hopes to offer services specific to many other types of losers.
A Russian woman took out a full page advert in a newspaper asking for sex to help cure her cancer. Divorcee Elisaveta, 30, explained in the ad: "Doctors have discovered two lumps in my breast. "They have told me the best way to beat cancer and stop the spread is to have sex."
She became suspicious, however, when they stipulated that ideally, the sex would take the form of a threeway, with doctors.
Gay Doctor Who star John Barrowman, 38, who's about to marry his gay partner in real life, was up for the role of Will in the sitcom, reports the Mirror. John said it was typical of "homophobic" Hollywood that it eventually went to straight actor Eric McCormack.
I. In a related story, a straight actor claimed that he lost a role because he wasnt gay enough, and was promptly mobbed and killed by members of GLAAD.
II. Producers denied that Barrowmans sexual orientation was an issue in the casting, noting that they in fact just hate British people.
New research indicates that most chimpanzees are
left-handed, using that arm to fish termites out of
mounds.
Other researchers welcomed the data, resolving that as
a result of the findings they will inject AIDS viruses
into the right arms of test chimpanzees from now on.
Staffers at Canadas public broadcaster say its
heartbreaking to be kept off Canadas television
screens and airwaves.
Many worry that Canadian programming may lose ground
during its lockout absence. The CBC was quick to
assure people that Royal Canadian Air Farce will be
back on the air for decades to come as soon as the
lockout is over, regardless of its relevance, quality,
or popularity.
A farmer has created a personal ad visible from the
air spelled out with corn. The message, measuring
about 900 feet wide by 600 feet, was easily legible
from the air - airplanes frequently pass over between
Rochester and New York City - when the stalks reached
seven feet tall.
Interest from many women grew considerably after they
realized that one of the seven foot stalks was not
corn.
Stalking - works every time.
Three unarmed Polish researchers stranded on a remote
Arctic island were rescued by helicopters as polar
bears were closing in on them, officials said
Wednesday.
The researchers and their rescuers expressed gratitude
and condolences to the family of the fourth
researcher.
A strike by Ontario's liquor-store workers could be
disastrous for some businesses in an industry that has
weathered one crisis after another over the past five
years, says the head of the province's restaurant
association.
A spokesman for the management noted that
the predicted crisis is unlikely, in that it hinges on
people ever, ever stopping drinking.
In a vanity Fair interview, Jennifer Aniston said she
was also hurt by a fashion spread in W magazine - a
concept of Pitt's - that showed the actor and Jolie as
a 1960s-style married couple. "There's a sensitivity
chip that's missing," Aniston says of Pitt.
Though she did admit that there is likely an extra hotness
chip where that sensitivity chip should be.
Mariners management responded to positive drug tests
of one of their pitchers.
"We are very disappointed to
learn this news," Mariners spokesman Tim Hevly said.
Those steroids were reserved for the batters, and how
he got into them, well never know.
SHANGHAI, China (AP) - Nearly 9,000 Russian and
Chinese troops began a mock assault on the beaches of
northern China on Tuesday for the final stage of
unprecedented joint war games between the two former
Cold War rivals.
In a more imaginative scenario, the Chinese enacted a
game in which they pretended to let Tibetans live in
freedom.
An American-born panda has given birth to a pair of
cubs in southwest China, the government said Thursday.
One was male and was being kept in an incubator.
The other cub, a female, was immediately killed.
April 2007
MONTREAL (CP) - High school students rescued from a Greek cruise ship returned home Sunday, four days after the boat they were on sank to the bottom of the Aegean Sea.
It was a happy ending for everyone except the producers of Girls Gone Wild, who lost "irreplaceable" footage taken earlier on the cruise, when co-eds were going SPRING BREAK CRAZY WILD!
TORONTO (CP) - The Carleton Graduate Students' Association is spearheading an initiative to educate some 3,300 grad students on how to safeguard their intellectual property while ensuring they're being properly recognized for their work.
In response to the initiative, Carleton professors are spearheading a quieter initiative to figure out where they're going to get all their ideas from now.
CALCUTTA, India (AP) - A farmer in Eastern India has discovered his calf making a meal of his poultry. "I've never read or heard about cows turning carnivorous," said local veterinarian Mihir Tripathy.
Soon many in India may be faced with a theological quandary: is a cow still sacred if it's eating you?
Researchers at Berlin claim they have now, for the first time, identified people's decisions about how they would later do a high-level mental activity using brain scans. The potential implications alarm some ethicists who fear the technology could one day be abused by authorities, marketers, or employers.
The scientists' next goal? To prove using brain scans that ethicists are stupid wimps.
JEFFERSON CITY, Mo. (AP) - A member the Supremes pushed Thursday for a change in Missouri law to prevent cover bands from promoting themselves as the real thing. The Missouri legislation would make it illegal for people to make a false or misleading connection to the real group in their advertising or musical performance.
The law would also make it illegal for Kevin Federline to promote himself as anything.
Feb 2007
Dr. Guy Cardineau says the fruits of two decades of isolating the antidotes to a host of diseases into plants could be on the threshold of widespread use, rendering squeamishness over needles obsolete.
That's right, soon even those of use who can't tolerate needles can experience the pleasures of needle drugs.
In a successful raid on a drug ring that transported drugs from Nova Scotia to Ontario, police seized a quantity of cocaine, marijuana and prescription drugs but their largest haul was anabolic steroids.
So if you're in Toronto, and your personal trainer seems less buff, your stock broker a bit off his game, and your teenager antsy, now you know why.
A US Cafe has developed a process to caffeinate pastries.
And if you think that's great, just way until you add some cocaine cream cheese. Then top it with some crystal meth strawberry jelly. We call it the speedball breakfast.
CAPE CANAVERAL, Fla. (AP) - U.S. astronaut Sunita Williams has now spent more time in space than any other woman, setting the record on Sunday as she and a crew mate upgraded the international space station's cooling system.
Male astronauts pointed out that Williams' walks would have been shorter if she had focused on the repair goals instead of meandering around looking at everything.
The Mission Merchants Association in San Francisco is in a bind about a proposed porn shoot location in a historic building, with some members arguing the studio would provide an economic boost and others worried it would attract perverts, said Jean Feilmoser, president of the group.
Umm, this is San Francisco. It's a bit late to worry about attracting perverts. ..
VATICAN CITY (Reuters Life!) - Smoke got in his eyes. Too much of it, so he asked the Roman Catholic Church to annul his marriage when his wife refused to kick the nicotine habit.That is just one of the, well, hazy cases that wound up before the Vatican's Sacra Romana Rota, a top court which hears the most complicated of marriage annulment requests.
And that sounds complicated to us. These people can't get their heads around domestic violence or birth control, so they must be plenty confused.
Experts say Canada's chilly climate, sprawling land mass and resource-based economy aren't good enough reasons to absolve Canadians of a growing responsibility to go green and reduce the impact they're having on the world's environment.
As opposed to before, when the fact that Canada is big, cold and sells oil was more than reason enough for us to play a key role in destroying the planet .
Police issued a plea Sunday for a mother to turn herself in after a baby girl, no more than an hour old, was found wrapped in a towel on the back step of a Saskatchewan home in -29 C temperatures.
In a related story, a Winnipeg company will soon be producing special highly insulated baskets to allow scared mothers to abandon children in frosty Canada with the same level of ease as stigmatized, scared new mothers in warmer climates.
An Edmonton woman is smoking mad after being scolded by Mayor Stephen Mandel for buying a pack of cigarettes - but Mandel insists it was a joke.
"Just because they have won an election with 40% of the 30% who vote, all of a sudden they are the avatar of community standards," said a University of Alberta professor.
Former premier Ralph Klein is said to be planning to go to Edmonton, get drunk and yell at the mayor.
PRINCETON, N.J. (AP) - The extrasensory perception lab at Princeton University will be shuttered at the end of the month.
The researchers are disappointed, but are claiming they saw it coming.
HEROUXVILLE, Que. (CP)— Clad in traditional Islamic head scarves, a delegation of Muslim women paid a visit Sunday to the Quebec town that passed a controversial code aimed at potential immigrants. But much of the code remained the same and the council repeated a call for changes to the Charter of Rights and Freedoms to avoid "unreasonable accommodation" of minorities.
Right, so Quebec is cracking down on unreasonable accommodations for minorities? Pay attention people, I know we're going to be able to use this against them later.
After three years, scientists at the University of Jena have given up their battle to to persuade Mats the sloth to co-operate in an experiment on animal movement.
This is the most boring use of the word 'battle' ever.
VICTORIA (CP) — British Columbia plans to rely on its forests and agricultural land to help reach its ambitious greenhouse gas emission targets.
It's BC, so I'm guessing that will be the kind of "trees" that you can smoke.
BERLIN (CP) - British and American children are among the worst off in the industrialized world, according to a UN report Wednesday that ranked the well-being of youngsters in 21 wealthy countries.
Child Advocates in Britain cautioned the government that Oliver is a story, not a goal.
Jan 2007
Rebecca Arnold Dawson, 34, was charged with malicious castration in a fight early Tuesday at a party hosted by the 38-year-old man's girlfriend, police said.The castration arrest was the first of its kind in Lillington, a town of about 3,000 roughly 50 kilometres south of Raleigh, Powers said.
One would hope. No town wants to be known as "The home of Malicious Castration."
Dec 2006
QUEBEC (CP) - Police have issued an arrest warrant for former Olympic biathlon champion Myriam Bedard, who is suspected of kidnapping her daughter to the U.S.
Authorities can not confirm that she's not armed, so be careful - she's a heck of a shot.
OTTAWA (CP) - A November cold snap prompted Public Safety Minister Stockwell Day to dismiss Al Gore's climate change crusade in a weblog post brimming with mockery.
Many pundits are expressing surprise that the Conservative Party allowed Stockwell Day to have a blog.
What he said was kind of stupid. But stupid is relative – a majority of people somewhere elected this guy.
In a related development, Day's staff are now including slander lawsuit settlements in annual budget proposals.
Reached for comment, a Tory spokesperson said "It's Stockwell Day, and he said something stupid. Where's the news?"
LONDON (AP) - An official report on the death of the Princess of Wales this week will disclose the that U.S. Secret Service was bugging Diana's phone without the approval of its British counterpart, a British newspaper reported.
What was on the tapes? You'll have to wait for the exclusive story in this week's edition of Hello magazine.
OTTAWA (CP) - Everyone has heard stories of overworked, stressed-out nurses, but a new Statistics Canada study suggests that the job is making nurses sick. The study surveyed nearly 19,000 nurses between October 2005 and January 2006, including registered nurses, licensed practical nurses and registered psychiatric nurses.
Many of them may benefit from medical help, but who wants to be at work on their time off?
BEIJING (AP) - The long arms of the world's tallest man saved two dolphins in northeast China by reaching inside of them to remove plastic they had swallowed, state media reported Thursday.
Aww, that reminds me of this time with an IUD that.. ummm never mind.
The Commons status of women committee plans to hold two extra meetings in early December to discuss the closure of most of the country's office for the Status of Women. Of the 16 regional offices, only Ottawa, Edmonton, Montreal and Moncton will be spared.
So chicks should totally move to those places.
Dec 2006
OTTAWA (CP) - The Conservative government is bringing the divisive issue of same-sex marriage back to the floor of the Commons . But the timing - at the tail end of the fall session of Parliament, with minimal debate - suggests the Tories may be tacitly admitting they don't have enough support among other parties to restore the traditional definition of marriage as a union of man and woman.
Others say the Tory's are strategically giving up on same sex marriage, but waiting to put up a strong fight against the human-goat marriage bills that are the inevitable next step on this slippery slope.
Charles McVety, head of the independent Defend Marriage movement, says that "the religious freedom of clergy and educators, along with the interests of children who are best raised by a mother and father," are at stake.
"Or a single mother. Or a single father. Or grandparents, or group homes, or any combination of adults, or teenagers who get pregnant, or two people of the same sex so long as they don't love each other."
McVety added that all Canadians should be concerned, as it takes a village to raise a child. But NOT the Village People. (They would probably love that, at least at first. Dress-up! And they'd all be easy to understand and relate to because they're each a stereotype.)
A spokesperson for gay rights said that "we respectfully ask Mr. Mevety to restrict his arguments to hateful stereotypes about gay marriage, and save the hateful stereotypes about gay parenting for adoption discussions."
Across the country, gay rights advocates celebrated the transition of equal marriage rights from "actual issue" to "political ploy that Canadians don't give a rat's ass about."
LONDON (AP) - Humans will have to colonize planets in far-flung solar systems if the race is to survive, renowned physicist Stephen Hawking said in an interview Thursday as he was awarded a top honour.
"Sooner or later, disasters such as an asteroid collision or nuclear war could wipe us all out. But once we spread out into space and establish independent colonies, our future should be safe."
Well if it's as successful as that last round of colonialism, you can count me in!
Spacecraft capable of traveling to other solar systems in less than 50 000 years are not yet in existence. "We also don't know what sort of life would be on the other planets, so we don't know how best to go about destroying their cultures and stealing their land."
EDMONTON (CP) - Alberta Progressive Conservatives are choosing a new party leader to replace Ralph Klein.
Strategists say that right-wing candidate Morton has a strong chance, in part because the critical 'non-wing-nut' vote will be split between Stelmach and Dinning.
The results will be in Saturday night, which in the case of a Morton victory will allow gay Albertans the rest of the weekend to pack.
Nov 2006
Employees at Steam Whistle Brewery have decided to donate one week's worth of staff beer rations to soldiers stationed in Afghanistan. The company has vowed to match those donations.
1. Troops are said to be grateful, but everyone else in Canada is reportedly sad that their employers don't offer beer rations.
2. In a more disconcerting gesture, staff of Foothills hospital have also pledged a week of their beer rations to troops.
October 2006
Humanity may split into two sub-species in 100,000 years' time as predicted by HG Wells, an expert has said. Evolutionary theorist Oliver Curry of the London School of Economics expects a genetic upper class and a dim-witted underclass to emerge. The descendants of the genetic upper class would be tall, slim, healthy, attractive, intelligent, and creative and a far cry from the "underclass" humans who would have evolved into dim-witted, ugly, squat goblin-like creatures.
I. Other scientists voiced disagreement, issuing a dissenting study made up of only four words: Tie, Domi, Belinda, Stronach.
II. Other scientists disagree, noting that this gap between ugly and graceful will continue to be bridged so long as there are software companies, hockey teams, and recording studios.
People would become choosier about their sexual partners, causing humanity to divide into sub-species, he added.
III. Other scientists disagree, noting that for many generations to come, humankind will still have gin.
ALBANY, N.Y. (AP) — R.J. Reynolds has agreed to a domestic ban on flavored cigarettes such as "Twista Lime" and "Mocha Taboo" that critics say are marketed to youths.
The company will, however, continue to sell their controversial 'Stuff by Hilary Duff' miniature cigars.
Sept 2006
In the face of mounting anger following the Pope's comments about Islam, The Vatican said Benedict did not intend the remarks to be offensive and sought to draw attention to the incompatibility of faith and violence.
Because if history has taught us anything, it's that religion and violence don't go together at all.
An al-Qaida-linked extremist group warned Pope Benedict on Monday that he and the West were "doomed," as protesters returned to the streets across the Muslim world to demand more of an apology from the pontiff for his remarks about Islam and violence.
But hey, the extremists are just exaggerating the Muslim world's anger. Almost cartoonishly exaggerating it.
AIKONUR, Kazakhstan (AP) – A rocket carrying four astronauts including the world's first female space tourist lifted off
Monday. Russian and US space programs pointed out that astronauts still need the "right stuff", but that the "right stuff" is now "lots and lots of money."
WASHINGTON (AP) — Researchers have deciphered for the first time the genetic code of a tree, which could lead to new varieties better at producing wood, paper and fuel.
Researchers were elated, noting that finally, "Not only God can make a tree."
Aug 2006
EDMONTON (CP) — A 10,000-year-old quarry rich with tools and weapons, including a pristine spearpoint still smeared with the blood of a woolly mammoth has been uncovered in Alberta.
Albertans are excited about the artifacts, and can't wait to see how much oil they can get from a wooly mammoth.
WELLINGTON, New Zealand (AP) - A lunchtime parade of topless porn stars down the main street of New Zealand's biggest city has been given official approval - as no laws will be broken. Several city councillors opposed to the parade were surprised to find it had been given a green light without them being consulted. "It is not like a television set you can turn off or a book you can shut," Councillor Noelene Raffills was reported telling The New Zealand Herald newspaper Tuesday.
Organizers agree, saying that it will be more like a television set you dont want to turn off, or a book you want to look at again and again.
Curry and tea could help slimmers lose weight, according to a new study. The ingredients are shown to aid digestion and influence overall food intake, researchers told medical journal Physiology and Behaviour.
Other researchers were skeptical about the findings because of, well, the British.
July 2006
NEW YORK (Reuters) - Diamonds are no longer a girl's best friend, according to a new U.S. study that found three of four women would prefer a new plasma TV to a diamond necklace. "People make the assumption that women are not as advanced as men when it comes to technology and I was surprised at the parity men and women now have in terms of technology," Geraldine Laybourne, chairman and chief executive of Oxygen Network, told Reuters.
Although this seems like a major shift, take comfort in the fact that women are still gold-digging whores.
VANCOUVER (CP) - Gold medal snowboarder Ross Rebagliati is suing CTV over a television show, Whistler, that he says makes him look like a drunken criminal.
CTV reps countered by noting that as the show is made and airs in Canada, no one is actually watching it.
Scientists examining prehistoric bodies found in the peat bogs of Ireland have discovered evidence of male grooming. One of the bodies, dug up in 2003 at Clonycavan, near Dublin, had mohawk-style hair, held in place with a gel substance, reports The Times.The other, unearthed three months later 25 miles away in Oldcroghan, had carefully manicured fingernails.
So take comfort in the fact that men have always been gold-digging whores.
MONTREAL (CP) - k.d. lang criticized Stephen Harper for his refusal to attend the Out Games. "It's a sad statement that the national leader of a country that's one of the most progressive countries in the world chooses to support intolerance," she told a news conference at the Olympic Stadium.
A Harper representative was quick to point out that efforts are underway to make Canada much less progressive.
ATLANTA (AP) - Feeling faint? Cross your ankles. Squeeze your knees. Grip a ball. Simple muscle-tensing exercises like these can keep you from passing out, say researchers who did a scientific study of the problem.
That, and laying off the tequila shots.
Prime Minister Stephen Harper gave the Canadian Olympic team a vote of confidence Thursday.During a brief phone conversation with Canadian flag-bearer Danielle Goyette, the new Conservative prime minister wished the team luck at the Winter Games, which open Friday in Turin, Italy. "Good luck to you, Danielle, and to all of the team," Harper said. "On behalf of all Canadians, we are very proud indeed of all the efforts you've put forth up until now." Some may dismiss the call as one of the empty ceremonial gestures of a politician, but need we remind you of then-PM Chretien's "I think you all suck. Prove me wrong" call before Nagano?
Six gay penguins at a German zoo are still refusing to mate with females of the species flown in from Sweden in 2005, the zoo said on Wednesday. The problem was that the female Humboldt penguins have proven too shy in their advances, the director of the zoo in the northern port city of Bremerhaven said. "The Swedes will not make the first move," Heike Kueck said.
1. "We can still make this work, but we have to track down some sluttier penguins."
2. That's right girls. You can turn the gays if you're just a bit more forward.
Brokeback Mountain tells the story of two men in love who never attain true happiness and peace because of societal constraints.
Stephen Harper calls it "the feel-good movie of the year."
A Goth Reverend is conducting special church services aimed at Goths. The candlelit Goth Eucharist services feature a specially written liturgy and music from bands like Depeche Mode, Joy Division and the Sisters of Mercy.
Rev Ramshaw said: "As Goths there is a broad sense of an outlook of life that focuses on the bad things. We all get knocks and sometimes life seems hopeless. The Goth Eucharist re-establishes a link; God is still there for you even if you have been blinded."
The services have been so successful that the church has plans to expand and hopes to offer services specific to many other types of losers.
A Russian woman took out a full page advert in a newspaper asking for sex to help cure her cancer. Divorcee Elisaveta, 30, explained in the ad: "Doctors have discovered two lumps in my breast. "They have told me the best way to beat cancer and stop the spread is to have sex."
She became suspicious, however, when they stipulated that ideally, the sex would take the form of a threeway, with doctors.
Gay Doctor Who star John Barrowman, 38, who's about to marry his gay partner in real life, was up for the role of Will in the sitcom, reports the Mirror. John said it was typical of "homophobic" Hollywood that it eventually went to straight actor Eric McCormack.
I. In a related story, a straight actor claimed that he lost a role because he wasnt gay enough, and was promptly mobbed and killed by members of GLAAD.
II. Producers denied that Barrowmans sexual orientation was an issue in the casting, noting that they in fact just hate British people.
New research indicates that most chimpanzees are
left-handed, using that arm to fish termites out of
mounds.
Other researchers welcomed the data, resolving that as
a result of the findings they will inject AIDS viruses
into the right arms of test chimpanzees from now on.
Staffers at Canadas public broadcaster say its
heartbreaking to be kept off Canadas television
screens and airwaves.
Many worry that Canadian programming may lose ground
during its lockout absence. The CBC was quick to
assure people that Royal Canadian Air Farce will be
back on the air for decades to come as soon as the
lockout is over, regardless of its relevance, quality,
or popularity.
A farmer has created a personal ad visible from the
air spelled out with corn. The message, measuring
about 900 feet wide by 600 feet, was easily legible
from the air - airplanes frequently pass over between
Rochester and New York City - when the stalks reached
seven feet tall.
Interest from many women grew considerably after they
realized that one of the seven foot stalks was not
corn.
Stalking - works every time.
Three unarmed Polish researchers stranded on a remote
Arctic island were rescued by helicopters as polar
bears were closing in on them, officials said
Wednesday.
The researchers and their rescuers expressed gratitude
and condolences to the family of the fourth
researcher.
A strike by Ontario's liquor-store workers could be
disastrous for some businesses in an industry that has
weathered one crisis after another over the past five
years, says the head of the province's restaurant
association.
A spokesman for the management noted that
the predicted crisis is unlikely, in that it hinges on
people ever, ever stopping drinking.
In a vanity Fair interview, Jennifer Aniston said she
was also hurt by a fashion spread in W magazine - a
concept of Pitt's - that showed the actor and Jolie as
a 1960s-style married couple. "There's a sensitivity
chip that's missing," Aniston says of Pitt.
Though she did admit that there is likely an extra hotness
chip where that sensitivity chip should be.
Mariners management responded to positive drug tests
of one of their pitchers.
"We are very disappointed to
learn this news," Mariners spokesman Tim Hevly said.
Those steroids were reserved for the batters, and how
he got into them, well never know.
SHANGHAI, China (AP) - Nearly 9,000 Russian and
Chinese troops began a mock assault on the beaches of
northern China on Tuesday for the final stage of
unprecedented joint war games between the two former
Cold War rivals.
In a more imaginative scenario, the Chinese enacted a
game in which they pretended to let Tibetans live in
freedom.
An American-born panda has given birth to a pair of
cubs in southwest China, the government said Thursday.
One was male and was being kept in an incubator.
The other cub, a female, was immediately killed.
Monday, October 8, 2007
One more bookmark to tend to
The myspace blog has been okay for posting headline jokes, but the time has come for something more.. robust. From now on I will be posting headline jokes and assorted photos and thoughts here. And other places too - it's potentially maddening.
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