LONDON - Westminster City Council today launched "SatLav" - a toilet-finding service for cell phone users.
Having used cell phones to find public toilets for years, London’s gay men are once again ahead of the curve.
RCMP officers seized a computer at CBC Manitoba's downtown Winnipeg headquarters last week, but no one is saying why or what sort of content may be on its hard drive.
For years there was only speculation – could this be the proof of an Unfriendly Giant?
LONDON - Richard Leigh, author of the Holy Blood and the Holy Grail, who unsuccessfully sued for plagiarism over The Da Vinci Code, has died.
This guy had a rough last few years on Earth, but it might get worse. Out of the frying pan...
Friday, November 30, 2007
Best alarm clock ever
Since leaving my day job a few days back, I've struggled to maintain a strict schedule and wake up when I should. I must start the day early, but of course the reasons aren't as convincingly immediate.
I finally arrived at a workable solution - I've been up bright and early ever since! Here's the easy step-by-step method:
1. Obtain a cute chick. Perhaps one with a naturally tan skin tone, that evokes the kiss of sunlight even on a dark morning in the depths of a Calgary winter.
II. Tell her of your resolve. Make it clear that her help is appreciated and success will result in more such evenings followed by light and yet nourishing breakfasts.
III. Cuddle up with her. Go to sleep (eventually).
IV. Wake up and be gently but firmly nudged out of bed and into jogging clothes by the cute chick in your bed. She will keep it warm.
V. Return, shower and wake up the cute chick by a method of your choosing. Drink Earl Grey tea and eat fruit together.
Woman: innovator, nurturer, alarm clock. Is there anything she can't do?
I finally arrived at a workable solution - I've been up bright and early ever since! Here's the easy step-by-step method:
1. Obtain a cute chick. Perhaps one with a naturally tan skin tone, that evokes the kiss of sunlight even on a dark morning in the depths of a Calgary winter.
II. Tell her of your resolve. Make it clear that her help is appreciated and success will result in more such evenings followed by light and yet nourishing breakfasts.
III. Cuddle up with her. Go to sleep (eventually).
IV. Wake up and be gently but firmly nudged out of bed and into jogging clothes by the cute chick in your bed. She will keep it warm.
V. Return, shower and wake up the cute chick by a method of your choosing. Drink Earl Grey tea and eat fruit together.
Woman: innovator, nurturer, alarm clock. Is there anything she can't do?
Thursday, November 29, 2007
jokes: Brooke Shields says we can have more!
NEW YORK - Brooke Shields hopes her upcoming show, "Lipstick Jungle," will convince women that they shouldn't be afraid to want it all.
The SPIKE TV network is offering women a counterpoint with their new program, “Shut up and Settle”.
Next month, the cancer arm of the World Health Organization will classify shift work as a "probable" carcinogen, the same category as cancer-causing agents like anabolic steroids, ultraviolet radiation and diesel engine exhaust.
So if you’re wondering what happened to all the bodybuilders at those 24-hour gyms, now you know: they’re at chemo.
The SPIKE TV network is offering women a counterpoint with their new program, “Shut up and Settle”.
Next month, the cancer arm of the World Health Organization will classify shift work as a "probable" carcinogen, the same category as cancer-causing agents like anabolic steroids, ultraviolet radiation and diesel engine exhaust.
So if you’re wondering what happened to all the bodybuilders at those 24-hour gyms, now you know: they’re at chemo.
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
jokes: marriage and young'uns
PROVO, Utah - A Utah couple stand accused of kidnapping their daughter on the eve of her wedding.
Reached for comment, Utah parents said “Well, we sympathize with- what? they were forcing their daughter to NOT get married?!”
A Chinese man is suing for divorce after discovering that he is the father of only one of his twins.
Although upset, the mother of the twins is looking on the bright side: “At least they’re both boys.”
Reached for comment, Utah parents said “Well, we sympathize with- what? they were forcing their daughter to NOT get married?!”
A Chinese man is suing for divorce after discovering that he is the father of only one of his twins.
Although upset, the mother of the twins is looking on the bright side: “At least they’re both boys.”
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
jokes: climate change, have-not provinces
OTTAWA - Efforts to reduce global warming through technological innovations that improve fuel efficiency may be doomed and could even make the situation worse, says a new report.
In related news, big businesses and individuals heaved a sigh of relief as a new report on global warming gave them an excuse to stop trying.
OTTAWA - Native leaders from the West Coast and the South Pacific are pressuring the federal government to establish firm targets for reducing greenhouse gas emissions. Members of the Pacific People's Partnership say climate change is having a huge impact on indigenous communities.
Yeah. Because if there’s anything that really spurs our government to action, it’s the suffering of indigenous peoples.
FREDERICTON - New Brunswick's Liberal government says its throne speech is a road map to a self-sufficient future for the have-not province.
A spokesperson for the Alberta provincial government responded: “Self-sufficiency huh? How about you carry us for a couple of decades, then we’ll call it even.”
In related news, big businesses and individuals heaved a sigh of relief as a new report on global warming gave them an excuse to stop trying.
OTTAWA - Native leaders from the West Coast and the South Pacific are pressuring the federal government to establish firm targets for reducing greenhouse gas emissions. Members of the Pacific People's Partnership say climate change is having a huge impact on indigenous communities.
Yeah. Because if there’s anything that really spurs our government to action, it’s the suffering of indigenous peoples.
FREDERICTON - New Brunswick's Liberal government says its throne speech is a road map to a self-sufficient future for the have-not province.
A spokesperson for the Alberta provincial government responded: “Self-sufficiency huh? How about you carry us for a couple of decades, then we’ll call it even.”
Monday, November 26, 2007
jokes: glaciers and pepper spray
EL ALTO, Bolivia – The glaciers of the Andes are melting at an alarming rate, raising fears for the area’s water supply.
Runoff from the glaciers will be available in bottles here in North America, under the brand name Our Earth is Dying and This is its Blood, You Selfish Bastards.
SAN JUAN, Puerto Rico - Ingrid Marie Rivera won Puerto Rico’s Miss spot in the Miss Universe pageant, in spite of sabotage that included pepper spray in her gowns and makeup that caused her to break out in hives.
There is an upside, as she is now a strong favorite for the Miss Calamine Lotion crown.
Runoff from the glaciers will be available in bottles here in North America, under the brand name Our Earth is Dying and This is its Blood, You Selfish Bastards.
SAN JUAN, Puerto Rico - Ingrid Marie Rivera won Puerto Rico’s Miss spot in the Miss Universe pageant, in spite of sabotage that included pepper spray in her gowns and makeup that caused her to break out in hives.
There is an upside, as she is now a strong favorite for the Miss Calamine Lotion crown.
Sunday, November 25, 2007
jokes: disasters and poisonous toys
NEW YORK (CNN) -- U.S. safety officials have recalled about 4.2 million Chinese-made Aqua Dots bead toys that contain a chemical that, once metabolized, converts into the toxic "date rape" drug GHB.
So ladies, take your business elsewhere if your local dance club is still offering those cute tasty Aquadot shooters.
HALIFAX - A group of international scientists called on world leaders Sunday to invest billions in a complex array of undersea technology to help to predict natural disasters. He said scientists were able to determine the intensity of hurricane Katrina two years ago because they knew the temperature of the water it passed over, which fuelled its force.
Yes, that's right, with a few billion dollars invested, every natural disaster can be managed as well as Hurricane Katrina.
A woman swarmed by a mob of Grade 8 boys in an apparent racially-charged attack near a northwest London school says she forgives her tormenters.
“Who knows”, said the woman, “they might have been whacked out on them Aquadots.”
So ladies, take your business elsewhere if your local dance club is still offering those cute tasty Aquadot shooters.
HALIFAX - A group of international scientists called on world leaders Sunday to invest billions in a complex array of undersea technology to help to predict natural disasters. He said scientists were able to determine the intensity of hurricane Katrina two years ago because they knew the temperature of the water it passed over, which fuelled its force.
Yes, that's right, with a few billion dollars invested, every natural disaster can be managed as well as Hurricane Katrina.
A woman swarmed by a mob of Grade 8 boys in an apparent racially-charged attack near a northwest London school says she forgives her tormenters.
“Who knows”, said the woman, “they might have been whacked out on them Aquadots.”
Saturday, November 24, 2007
jokes: disasters and American policy
SYDNEY, Australia - Conservative Prime Minister John Howard, one of the Bush administration's staunchest allies, suffered a humiliating election defeat Saturday at the hands of an opposition leader who has vowed to pull troops out of Iraq.
In a related development, the Bush government says plans are underway for a potential invasion of Australia.
The number of weather-related disasters has quadrupled over the past 20 years and the world should do more to prepare for them, the aid agency Oxfam says.
We also might want to try cutting back on all the stuff we're doing to cause them, too, but that's a different agency.
MALIBU, Calif. - A fast-moving wildfire pushed by Santa Ana winds raced through the canyons and mountains of this wealthy enclave for the second time in little more than a month Saturday, destroying more than 30 homes and forcing as many as 14,000 residents to flee.
That’s right, 14000 Malibu residents have been driven to one of their other mansions.
In a related development, the Bush government says plans are underway for a potential invasion of Australia.
The number of weather-related disasters has quadrupled over the past 20 years and the world should do more to prepare for them, the aid agency Oxfam says.
We also might want to try cutting back on all the stuff we're doing to cause them, too, but that's a different agency.
MALIBU, Calif. - A fast-moving wildfire pushed by Santa Ana winds raced through the canyons and mountains of this wealthy enclave for the second time in little more than a month Saturday, destroying more than 30 homes and forcing as many as 14,000 residents to flee.
That’s right, 14000 Malibu residents have been driven to one of their other mansions.
Friday, November 23, 2007
jokes: sex and drugs and hazing
A 13-year-old girl was among four people charged with cocaine offences in Bonnyville near Edmonton on Tuesday night.
You know, in these times of instant gratification, it’s refreshing to see the kids taking a break from meth to go back to the classics.
AMARILLO, Texas - A subdivision in Amarillo, Tex., has barred convicted sex offenders from owning or living in any new homes.
The new community would be totally safe if the rec centre would just fall into line and stop allowing homeless drifters to coach soccer.
MONTREAL - Quebec police union president Jean Beaudoin says he has no idea how the traditional police rookie initiation evening might have brought calls for investigation of hazing.
One potential cause of the complaints? The best-selling “Mounties Gone Wild” videos.
Beaudoin defends the initiation, saying it consists of an evening of drinking and horsing around and ends with a single firm pat on the buttocks with a clipboard.
…from a prostitute, while bound to chair with the recruit’s brand-new handcuffs, high on power and the cocaine that kickbacks bought.
You know, in these times of instant gratification, it’s refreshing to see the kids taking a break from meth to go back to the classics.
AMARILLO, Texas - A subdivision in Amarillo, Tex., has barred convicted sex offenders from owning or living in any new homes.
The new community would be totally safe if the rec centre would just fall into line and stop allowing homeless drifters to coach soccer.
MONTREAL - Quebec police union president Jean Beaudoin says he has no idea how the traditional police rookie initiation evening might have brought calls for investigation of hazing.
One potential cause of the complaints? The best-selling “Mounties Gone Wild” videos.
Beaudoin defends the initiation, saying it consists of an evening of drinking and horsing around and ends with a single firm pat on the buttocks with a clipboard.
…from a prostitute, while bound to chair with the recruit’s brand-new handcuffs, high on power and the cocaine that kickbacks bought.
Thursday, November 22, 2007
jokes: Tim Horton's & ethics
NEW YORK - Scientists have made ordinary human skin cells take on the chameleon-like powers of embryonic stem cells, a startling breakthrough that might someday deliver the medical payoffs of embryo cloning without the controversy.
Medical ethicists are warning of the potential costs of the breakthrough: less work for medical ethicists.
Hey guys, don't worry. I for one promise to continue to keep you busy by doing all kinds of morally questionable medical stuff.
MONTREAL - An axe-wielding masked man who attempted to rob a Montreal-area doughnut shop was successfully subdued by store employees and customers.
The heroes realized that the man would be easily subdued after he ate a slice of Tim Horton’s near-poisonous cake.
Edmonton homicide cops are investigating a suspicious death after a body was found in a burned-out dumpster early this morning.
It’s suspicious, but let’s not rule out that someone may have passed away peacefully in a dumpster that was on fire.
Medical ethicists are warning of the potential costs of the breakthrough: less work for medical ethicists.
Hey guys, don't worry. I for one promise to continue to keep you busy by doing all kinds of morally questionable medical stuff.
MONTREAL - An axe-wielding masked man who attempted to rob a Montreal-area doughnut shop was successfully subdued by store employees and customers.
The heroes realized that the man would be easily subdued after he ate a slice of Tim Horton’s near-poisonous cake.
Edmonton homicide cops are investigating a suspicious death after a body was found in a burned-out dumpster early this morning.
It’s suspicious, but let’s not rule out that someone may have passed away peacefully in a dumpster that was on fire.
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
headline jokes: crime, kickbacks, and giant bugs
OTTAWA - The number of Canadians behind bars rose in 2005-06 for the first time in a decade, mainly because more adults were in jail on remand awaiting trial or sentencing.
Still, experts warn that 2007 figures will be different, as our high loonie drives more people south of the border to steal stuff.
QUEBEC - The Quebec government will seek to buy more products made in the province in an effort to boost its flagging manufacturing sector. The government maintains new jobs created by the policy will offset the higher buying costs.
The kickbacks will help also.
LONDON - British scientists have found fossil evidence of ancient scorpions up to 2 meters long.
Hey Moms and Dads! Your kids are going to get nightmares about gigantic scorpions!
Still, experts warn that 2007 figures will be different, as our high loonie drives more people south of the border to steal stuff.
QUEBEC - The Quebec government will seek to buy more products made in the province in an effort to boost its flagging manufacturing sector. The government maintains new jobs created by the policy will offset the higher buying costs.
The kickbacks will help also.
LONDON - British scientists have found fossil evidence of ancient scorpions up to 2 meters long.
Hey Moms and Dads! Your kids are going to get nightmares about gigantic scorpions!
headline jokes: The Last Supper, sexless marriage and diapers
An Italian musician and computer technician claims to have uncovered musical notes encoded in Leonardo Da Vinci's "Last Supper."
But if you play it backwards: the Devil’s music.
MONTREAL - If a Quebec company has its way, dirty diapers normally destined for landfills will soon be transformed into a cost-effective, synthetic diesel fuel.
To my mom: I don’t care how much it would save me on gas, I’m not getting knocked up.
A state appeals court Friday in Alabama annulled a marriage after the wife complained that her husband never consummated the union. Her husband, a Czech citizen, could lose his permanent resident status under U.S. immigration laws and be deported.
And so in a nutshell: put out, or get deported.
But if you play it backwards: the Devil’s music.
MONTREAL - If a Quebec company has its way, dirty diapers normally destined for landfills will soon be transformed into a cost-effective, synthetic diesel fuel.
To my mom: I don’t care how much it would save me on gas, I’m not getting knocked up.
A state appeals court Friday in Alabama annulled a marriage after the wife complained that her husband never consummated the union. Her husband, a Czech citizen, could lose his permanent resident status under U.S. immigration laws and be deported.
And so in a nutshell: put out, or get deported.
Friday, November 2, 2007
Detoxify or Die
I recently encountered this book:
No idea if the content is valid, but the title works for me. Those "For Dummies" titles are accessible, but potentially insulting. This series could be really motivating. Imagine:
Cook Italian.. or DIE!
Hatha Yoga... or DIE!
Organize Your Digital Photos... or DIE!
And of course:
Play 1987 Nintendo Classic 'Skate or Die'...
..or DIE!
No idea if the content is valid, but the title works for me. Those "For Dummies" titles are accessible, but potentially insulting. This series could be really motivating. Imagine:
Cook Italian.. or DIE!
Hatha Yoga... or DIE!
Organize Your Digital Photos... or DIE!
And of course:
Play 1987 Nintendo Classic 'Skate or Die'...
..or DIE!
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