In his first television interview since the election, Barack Obama promised to rebuild his country's "moral stature in the world" by pulling troops out of Iraq, shoring up Afghanistan, and closing Guantanamo Bay.
Ending war and torture is all well and good, just so long as this radical liberal agenda doesn’t lose the Bush administration’s hard-fought gains for America’s moral stature: abstinence programs and preventing gay marriage.
DALLAS - The pastor of a megachurch is challenging married congregants to have sex for seven straight days.
Congregants were enthusiastic about the challenge, until they found out that they had to have sex with their spouses.
Endangered red squirrels in the UK may finally be developing immunity to a disease carried by invasive non-native grey squirrels.
Wait, a British species is nearly annihilated because a foreign species came and spread diseases? Oh, the irony.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Monday, November 3, 2008
Jokes: human/animal hybrids, dinosaur dances, and nasty bloggers
Geologists say they have discovered prehistoric animal tracks so densely packed on a 3/4-acre site that they’re calling it a “dinosaur dance floor.”
And now we know what next summer’s crappy computer-animated Disney film is going to be about.
LONDON – British government overhauled sensitive science laws to allow scientists to use hybrid animal-human embryos. Also under the new laws: in-vitro fertilization clinics will no longer have to consider the need for a child to have a father when deciding whether to offer treatment to lesbian couples.
Yes, it’s good that they’re finally through debating the role of a father in a child’s life, now that they have to start debating the role of a cow.
NASA administrator Michael Griffin said critics in the media and on anonymous Internet blogs can "chip away" at morale by questioning the motives and ethics of engineers designing a next-generation rocket system.
Okay, I’m no rocket scientist, but even I know that telling anonymous internet bloggers that they have destructive power will not make them stop.
And now we know what next summer’s crappy computer-animated Disney film is going to be about.
LONDON – British government overhauled sensitive science laws to allow scientists to use hybrid animal-human embryos. Also under the new laws: in-vitro fertilization clinics will no longer have to consider the need for a child to have a father when deciding whether to offer treatment to lesbian couples.
Yes, it’s good that they’re finally through debating the role of a father in a child’s life, now that they have to start debating the role of a cow.
NASA administrator Michael Griffin said critics in the media and on anonymous Internet blogs can "chip away" at morale by questioning the motives and ethics of engineers designing a next-generation rocket system.
Okay, I’m no rocket scientist, but even I know that telling anonymous internet bloggers that they have destructive power will not make them stop.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Jokes: knocked-up teens, funky bacteria, and Kim Jong-Il
GLOUCESTER, Mass. - Schools in the Massachusetts city where girls reportedly made a "pregnancy pact" will allow contraceptives to be distributed - with parental consent.
Or, as it will be in another 4 months, grandparental consent.
A previously unknown arsenic-loving bacteria discovered deep in a former mine may provide a way to keep one the toxic mine sites from poisoning lakes and river systems.
That’s bittersweet, to me, because anytime that I’ve encountered bacteria from miners, well, I had to take antibiotics.
SACRAMENTO, Calif. - Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger is vetoing a bill to fine motorists $35 for sharing the driver's seat with lapdogs or other animals. Republican Assemblyman Bill Maze introduced the bill, saying the practice is distracting.
Though technically, if the “lapdogs” are really distracting, they'll become “windshield dogs”.
The US and South Korean governments are alleging that Kim Jong Il has suffered a stroke, but North Korea maintains that recently released pictures prove he’s looking healthy and normal.
The US government does concede that in the case of Kim Jong Il, ‘normal-looking’ is relative.
Or, as it will be in another 4 months, grandparental consent.
A previously unknown arsenic-loving bacteria discovered deep in a former mine may provide a way to keep one the toxic mine sites from poisoning lakes and river systems.
That’s bittersweet, to me, because anytime that I’ve encountered bacteria from miners, well, I had to take antibiotics.
SACRAMENTO, Calif. - Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger is vetoing a bill to fine motorists $35 for sharing the driver's seat with lapdogs or other animals. Republican Assemblyman Bill Maze introduced the bill, saying the practice is distracting.
Though technically, if the “lapdogs” are really distracting, they'll become “windshield dogs”.
The US and South Korean governments are alleging that Kim Jong Il has suffered a stroke, but North Korea maintains that recently released pictures prove he’s looking healthy and normal.
The US government does concede that in the case of Kim Jong Il, ‘normal-looking’ is relative.
Monday, October 13, 2008
Jokes: Ignoring First Nations, knocking over a 7-11 in a wheelchair, and fighting the scourge of Ladies Night
TORONTO - Aboriginal people have been granted the 102nd spot on a government-sponsored list of 101 things that most define Canada after online respondents pointed out that First Nations people, culture and symbols weren't included in the original tally.
Might seem like an embarrassing oversight, but keep in mind item #26 on the list of that which defines Canada: “Ignoring First Nations people, culture and symbols”.
One beach in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil was the scene of diverse events last Sunday, beginning with a march to honor a patron saint, followed by the World Half Marathon Championship, with Children's Day celebrations at noon, and raucous Gay Pride celebrations in the evening.
The events were successes in their own right, and for a small contingent of fit, Catholic, hard partying gay parents, it was a perfect day.
WASILLA, Alaska – Long before her political rise, Sarah Palin gained local fame as a member of a state championship-winning basketball team.
Though not as well-trained as players from larger schools, Palin was an engaging player, with few specific game plans but a folksy, relatable free throw.
NEW YORK – A judge has thrown out a federal law suit by a man who says that ladies' nights at Manhattan nightclubs discriminate against men by offering women free or discounted admission and drinks.
The man hopes, on behalf of all men, that an appeal will be successful, ladies nights will be no more, and men can be free to enjoy bars unencumbered by those pesky, drunken, horny women.
Dallas police Cpl. Kevin Janse said Friday that a man in a wheelchair, armed with a bat and a knife, successfully robbed a 7-11 of 10 boxes of condoms and an energy drink.
One might wonder why staff did not try harder to stop the man, but I think they were just smart enough to realize that if a man in a wheelchair doesn’t even bother to bring a gun to rob you, he probably knows something you don’t.
WASHINGTON - A small asteroid was headed for a fiery but harmless dive into Earth's atmosphere early Tuesday morning over Africa, astronomers said in a first of its kind advance warning.
“It won’t cause any damage at all,” said scientists, “There’s no people in Africa, right?”
Might seem like an embarrassing oversight, but keep in mind item #26 on the list of that which defines Canada: “Ignoring First Nations people, culture and symbols”.
One beach in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil was the scene of diverse events last Sunday, beginning with a march to honor a patron saint, followed by the World Half Marathon Championship, with Children's Day celebrations at noon, and raucous Gay Pride celebrations in the evening.
The events were successes in their own right, and for a small contingent of fit, Catholic, hard partying gay parents, it was a perfect day.
WASILLA, Alaska – Long before her political rise, Sarah Palin gained local fame as a member of a state championship-winning basketball team.
Though not as well-trained as players from larger schools, Palin was an engaging player, with few specific game plans but a folksy, relatable free throw.
NEW YORK – A judge has thrown out a federal law suit by a man who says that ladies' nights at Manhattan nightclubs discriminate against men by offering women free or discounted admission and drinks.
The man hopes, on behalf of all men, that an appeal will be successful, ladies nights will be no more, and men can be free to enjoy bars unencumbered by those pesky, drunken, horny women.
Dallas police Cpl. Kevin Janse said Friday that a man in a wheelchair, armed with a bat and a knife, successfully robbed a 7-11 of 10 boxes of condoms and an energy drink.
One might wonder why staff did not try harder to stop the man, but I think they were just smart enough to realize that if a man in a wheelchair doesn’t even bother to bring a gun to rob you, he probably knows something you don’t.
WASHINGTON - A small asteroid was headed for a fiery but harmless dive into Earth's atmosphere early Tuesday morning over Africa, astronomers said in a first of its kind advance warning.
“It won’t cause any damage at all,” said scientists, “There’s no people in Africa, right?”
Friday, October 10, 2008
Toronto Homes: the Entry
Upon hearing that I would be driving from Calgary to Toronto with a friend who was moving east, my grandmother told me that she would envy my experience of fall colors. Autumn in Alberta is lovely, but we do miss out almost entirely on the reds of the fall spectrum, including maples.
Another rarity in Alberta that is plentiful here: brick. Here on the Canadian Shield brick is handy and buildings are all the more beautiful for it. Even new suburbs feel less sterile here, more homey and substantial for being only partially covered in aluminum siding.
I can't resist a few posts counting the many ways I love the classic homes I'm seeing on my daily jogs through my temporary home neighborhood. To begin, doorways framed in stone:
Bonus points if the door isn't standard rectangular:
No bonus points if your beautifully framed door is excessively cluttered with wreath, planters, and lamps:
Aww, who am I kidding? I can't stay mad at you.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Another Toronto Pride Surprise: Me to We!
On Pride Sunday in Toronto, I happened to be wearing a new favorite piece of clothing: a t-shirt from Me to We [Responsible Style]:
Me to We [Responsible Style] produces ethical clothing for the socially conscious consumer. Not only are their garments ethically produced from organic cotton and bamboo, but a whopping 50% of their profits go to their charity partner, Free the Children.
And the shirt? Wonderfully soft, lovely color, and a fantastic fit, even for somewhat-freakishly-long-torsoed me. There are many other tempting styles on the website; I'll be making another order soon. They also do custom printing.
The delightful surprise? Some of the staff of Free the Children were out enjoying the festivities, and recognized my shirt! A great way to meet some very nice people. Here I am with Elysia Blake, Lauren Roach, Megan Barton and Jon Macindoe:
A pleasure to meet some of the people behind a great organization.
Me to We [Responsible Style] produces ethical clothing for the socially conscious consumer. Not only are their garments ethically produced from organic cotton and bamboo, but a whopping 50% of their profits go to their charity partner, Free the Children.
And the shirt? Wonderfully soft, lovely color, and a fantastic fit, even for somewhat-freakishly-long-torsoed me. There are many other tempting styles on the website; I'll be making another order soon. They also do custom printing.
The delightful surprise? Some of the staff of Free the Children were out enjoying the festivities, and recognized my shirt! A great way to meet some very nice people. Here I am with Elysia Blake, Lauren Roach, Megan Barton and Jon Macindoe:
A pleasure to meet some of the people behind a great organization.
Thursday, July 3, 2008
Toronto Pride: A Real Lesbian Hero!
I ran across this girl in a beer garden on Pride Sunday in Toronto:
Her name is Poonam, and yes, her T-shirt does say "G.I. Julia, Real Lesbian Hero"! A friend of hers had the shirts custom-made for a fund raiser where they were all cheering on their friend Julia:
Mmmm hmmm! She does look like a Lesbian Hero, doesn't she? Dani Campbell ain't got nothing on that gal!
Needless to say, I need to get my hands on one of these shirts. More on this story as it develops.
Her name is Poonam, and yes, her T-shirt does say "G.I. Julia, Real Lesbian Hero"! A friend of hers had the shirts custom-made for a fund raiser where they were all cheering on their friend Julia:
Mmmm hmmm! She does look like a Lesbian Hero, doesn't she? Dani Campbell ain't got nothing on that gal!
Needless to say, I need to get my hands on one of these shirts. More on this story as it develops.
Friday, June 27, 2008
Toronto Pride 2008
I am in Toronto to perform at Homo Night in Canada, a fantastic fund raiser. It's a lovely venue and I'm sure it will be a lot of fun, just as it was last year. Perhaps even some Pride shenanigans will ensue.
But right now I'm on an unfamiliar little bed and I can't sleep. There is a lack of shenanigans, and an abundance of humidity.
But right now I'm on an unfamiliar little bed and I can't sleep. There is a lack of shenanigans, and an abundance of humidity.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
lacrosse moonings, beer coffins, broken windows and immigration
A Chicago Heights man had a coffin custom-made to resemble a huge can of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer.
Oh, you may think it’s not classy, but I think it’s just as nice as those coffins custom-made to look like import beers.
DENVER — An inmate in handcuffs and shackles was seriously injured when he jumped through a closed window in a third-floor courtroom where he was facing assault charges.
A police official says it’s not clear whether the man was trying to escape, commit suicide, or assault the window.
A special immigration unit created to track alleged human rights violators from foreign nations is continuing to aggressively pursue individuals who seek refuge in the U.S., according to Senior U.S. Homeland Security official Julie Myers.
"Our goal is to make sure the United States is not a safe haven for human rights violators," Myers said.
"Except ours."
ANN ARBOR, Mich. - Thirteen members of a high school lacrosse team have been disciplined for baring their bottoms to display the question: "Will You Go To The Prom With Me? Yes or No?" on their backsides, revealing during a game. Carolyn Campbell accepted the invitation by patting the back of the player who displayed the word "Yes."
The girl said that the method of communication is naughtily amusing at a football game, but frustratingly slow and kind of awkward when they go out for dinner.
Oh, you may think it’s not classy, but I think it’s just as nice as those coffins custom-made to look like import beers.
DENVER — An inmate in handcuffs and shackles was seriously injured when he jumped through a closed window in a third-floor courtroom where he was facing assault charges.
A police official says it’s not clear whether the man was trying to escape, commit suicide, or assault the window.
A special immigration unit created to track alleged human rights violators from foreign nations is continuing to aggressively pursue individuals who seek refuge in the U.S., according to Senior U.S. Homeland Security official Julie Myers.
"Our goal is to make sure the United States is not a safe haven for human rights violators," Myers said.
"Except ours."
ANN ARBOR, Mich. - Thirteen members of a high school lacrosse team have been disciplined for baring their bottoms to display the question: "Will You Go To The Prom With Me? Yes or No?" on their backsides, revealing during a game. Carolyn Campbell accepted the invitation by patting the back of the player who displayed the word "Yes."
The girl said that the method of communication is naughtily amusing at a football game, but frustratingly slow and kind of awkward when they go out for dinner.
Second Life
I have been offered a gig in Second Life. A fellow comic who does a lot of gigs in SL is doing a Second Life Pride Show and invited me to perform. He cautioned me that this would be an 'building' show, useful mostly for experience and paying next to nothing, particularly if one converts the virtual payment to real dollars.
And so I have discovered that in the world of Second Life, where reality is malleable and one can assume whatever guise one wishes, at least two things remain steadfast and true:
1. Comedians don't make money
2. I can only get niche shows.
Any avatar suggestions?
And so I have discovered that in the world of Second Life, where reality is malleable and one can assume whatever guise one wishes, at least two things remain steadfast and true:
1. Comedians don't make money
2. I can only get niche shows.
Any avatar suggestions?
Thursday, April 3, 2008
Arlan and I did LAX and all I got was a gigantic coffee
I got into LA last night, a stopover before a road trip to Dinah Shore tonight. The bonus: I met up with the lovely Arlan Hamilton, blogger celebrity extraordinaire. She was keen to meet me, but then, she's keen to meet 10,000 people this month so I'm not that special. Visit her site and help her on her quest!
In search of wifi, we ended up at McDonald's, and I ended up with an iced coffee almost as big as I am.
I'm sure LA is lovely, and I promise not to judge this or any city by its airport area, which is of course a mess of freeways and hotels and little else.
Saturday, March 29, 2008
Curve Magazine this month
This month's issue of Curve includes a listing of results from their current website poll to determine America's funniest lesbian. I am so very excited to have my picture anywhere on the same page as all the other incredible performers on that list!
Check it out this month, and if you're at Dinah Shore next weekend, come up and say hello!
Check it out this month, and if you're at Dinah Shore next weekend, come up and say hello!
Sunday, March 23, 2008
"I was raised to believe..."
When public figures are chastised for homophobia, they often use their upbringing as an excuse.
It's a great tactic - it evokes a nice sympathetic image of the public figure as a wee child, sitting on grandpa's knee, learning about the wide world.
I support gay rights; it's not so much what I was raised to believe as what I believed when I sprang, fully formed as an adult from the fiery depths of hell.
Though, as those of you who have seen the Shane/Alice video know, I'm arguably not really fully-formed.
It's a great tactic - it evokes a nice sympathetic image of the public figure as a wee child, sitting on grandpa's knee, learning about the wide world.
I support gay rights; it's not so much what I was raised to believe as what I believed when I sprang, fully formed as an adult from the fiery depths of hell.
Though, as those of you who have seen the Shane/Alice video know, I'm arguably not really fully-formed.
violent pandas, prudent Chinese governance, human semi-compassion
BEIJING - China has issued a "Most Wanted" list of 21 rioters shown in grainy photos waving knives and fighting during last week's violence over Chinese rule in Tibet.
That list does sound as though the Chinese government is just trying to maintain law and order, but keep in mind that they’ve also posted lists of "Most Wanted Meditators" and "Most Wanted Journalists".
WASHINGTON (AP) — The 170-pound giant panda cub at the National Zoo grabbed a worker while trying to play, sending her to the hospital with a small leg laceration, zoo officials said Wednesday.
Encouraging, really - after decades of habitat destruction, those wussy pandas are finally cluing in and starting to fight back.
Offers of help are pouring in to animal authorities after more than 100 dogs were found in horrifying conditions at a Middlesex County farm described as a "dog gulag" by police.
The offers are proof, once again, of human compassion for animals, which appears, once again, to exceed human compassion for humans.
That list does sound as though the Chinese government is just trying to maintain law and order, but keep in mind that they’ve also posted lists of "Most Wanted Meditators" and "Most Wanted Journalists".
WASHINGTON (AP) — The 170-pound giant panda cub at the National Zoo grabbed a worker while trying to play, sending her to the hospital with a small leg laceration, zoo officials said Wednesday.
Encouraging, really - after decades of habitat destruction, those wussy pandas are finally cluing in and starting to fight back.
Offers of help are pouring in to animal authorities after more than 100 dogs were found in horrifying conditions at a Middlesex County farm described as a "dog gulag" by police.
The offers are proof, once again, of human compassion for animals, which appears, once again, to exceed human compassion for humans.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
murder, swan love, drunk cowboys and massive lobsters
An eight-kilo, 50-year-old lobster is at a Montreal aquarium after a New England woman rescued him from the boiling pot at a Super Bowl party.
Big deal! Every year thousands of women have to rescue oversized fifty-year-old males from Super Bowl parties, because they are married to them.
Sheriffs in Virginia City Nevada, where volunteers dress up as cowboys and pose for photos with tourists, say they're more strictly enforcing a county ordinance that prohibits alcohol consumption by historical re-enactors wearing guns.
So if you want great family fun head on out to Virginia City, where people in period costumes who hopefully don't have live ammunition and aren't supposed to be drunk, will hound you for money.
Petra, a black swan in Berlin who became attached to a swan-shaped boat, has finally left it in favor of a live swan.
A swan in love with a boat? By German standards, that’s really pretty vanilla.
LOS ANGELES (AP) — Two elderly women stand accused of killing two transient men with a car so they could collect nearly $3 million in insurance money.
And I know what you’re thinking but it would actually not be a cool Pepsi commercial.
Big deal! Every year thousands of women have to rescue oversized fifty-year-old males from Super Bowl parties, because they are married to them.
Sheriffs in Virginia City Nevada, where volunteers dress up as cowboys and pose for photos with tourists, say they're more strictly enforcing a county ordinance that prohibits alcohol consumption by historical re-enactors wearing guns.
So if you want great family fun head on out to Virginia City, where people in period costumes who hopefully don't have live ammunition and aren't supposed to be drunk, will hound you for money.
Petra, a black swan in Berlin who became attached to a swan-shaped boat, has finally left it in favor of a live swan.
A swan in love with a boat? By German standards, that’s really pretty vanilla.
LOS ANGELES (AP) — Two elderly women stand accused of killing two transient men with a car so they could collect nearly $3 million in insurance money.
And I know what you’re thinking but it would actually not be a cool Pepsi commercial.
Monday, March 17, 2008
Male problems and censorship
Common male genital disorders, low sperm count and testicular cancer could all be linked to hormone levels early in pregnancy, research from the University of Edinburgh suggests.
Well, here we go again: yet another study confirming that men are inherently flawed. I was *this close* to giving dudes a go, but sheesh, who knows what kind of freak show a guy is packing down there?
Access to YouTube.com, usually readily available in China, was blocked after videos of Tibet protests appeared on the site.
In a related story, everyone is really surprised that Youtube is usually readily available in China.
Well, here we go again: yet another study confirming that men are inherently flawed. I was *this close* to giving dudes a go, but sheesh, who knows what kind of freak show a guy is packing down there?
Access to YouTube.com, usually readily available in China, was blocked after videos of Tibet protests appeared on the site.
In a related story, everyone is really surprised that Youtube is usually readily available in China.
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Curve Magazine's Poll
Yes, Curve Magazine's website is currently running a poll to determine who is America's Funniest Lesbian. And I am in the running.
Wicked.
Wicked.
Is your movie's title a slogan? You have a bad movie.
Rule of thumb: if a movie's title is actually a slogan, it's probably a bad movie. That's why I don't need to read reviews to know that Never Back Down (from the people who brought you Step Up!") is a bad movie, from the people who brought you a different bad movie.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Rules, New Orleans style
When rules need to be somewhat obeyed, phrasing is crucial:
You should sort of not bring beer into this gas station.
You should sort of not bring beer into this gas station.
inventive Maritimers
HALIFAX - Ottawa has announced $63 million in research money for 29 Atlantic Canadian firms. Peter MacKay, minister responsible for the Atlantic Canada Opportunities Agency, said that the funding recipients show advances are being made at promoting East Coast inventiveness.
Please note that that guy from Nova Scotia who keeps claiming he invented Screech is not a funding recipient.
Please note that that guy from Nova Scotia who keeps claiming he invented Screech is not a funding recipient.
Saturday, February 16, 2008
New Orleans Show
Some sort of flyer to follow shortly, but for now I can tell you that my New Orleans show with Dykes of Hazzard is at Balcony Music Club (corner of Decatur & Esplanade) on February 20th at 8 pm. Hooray!
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
panties, heavy equipment and fire
LONDON - A fire department official in Britain says Jenny Marsey's miraculous underwear saved the day when her nephew put out a grease fire by grabbing the nearest thing from a pile of washing to smother the fire - a wet pair of his aunt's size 18 underwear.
What was a wet pair of her underwear doing in the kitchen? Inquiring minds don’t want to know.
EDMONTON - Construction and energy companies are happy with an Alberta court ruling that upholds the right of employers to test workers in safety-sensitive jobs for drugs. In their ruling the judges noted that "extending human rights protections to situations resulting in placing the lives of others at risk flies in the face of logic."
“Except for the criminal code.”
WEST HEMPSTEAD, N.Y. - Dr. Herman Weiss says yesterday "was just my day" after the obstetrician saved his wife and six children from a fire that ravaged their home, delivered a baby while the house was still smoldering - then got cited with building violations.
To top it all off, the baby he delivered was hideous.
PRINCE GEORGE, B.C. - The ice jam that has threatened to flood homes for almost a month and forced the residents of a further eight houses onto evacuation alert Monday could remain a problem until spring, says a city spokesman. Don Schaffer said there isn't anywhere for the ice to go and it could continue to plug up the city's waterways.
Enjoy this, people – it’s the last time that an excess of ice is going to be the problem.
What was a wet pair of her underwear doing in the kitchen? Inquiring minds don’t want to know.
EDMONTON - Construction and energy companies are happy with an Alberta court ruling that upholds the right of employers to test workers in safety-sensitive jobs for drugs. In their ruling the judges noted that "extending human rights protections to situations resulting in placing the lives of others at risk flies in the face of logic."
“Except for the criminal code.”
WEST HEMPSTEAD, N.Y. - Dr. Herman Weiss says yesterday "was just my day" after the obstetrician saved his wife and six children from a fire that ravaged their home, delivered a baby while the house was still smoldering - then got cited with building violations.
To top it all off, the baby he delivered was hideous.
PRINCE GEORGE, B.C. - The ice jam that has threatened to flood homes for almost a month and forced the residents of a further eight houses onto evacuation alert Monday could remain a problem until spring, says a city spokesman. Don Schaffer said there isn't anywhere for the ice to go and it could continue to plug up the city's waterways.
Enjoy this, people – it’s the last time that an excess of ice is going to be the problem.
Wine, meth and Grade A, Top Choice Meat
The pleasure centers of the brain responded more strongly to pricey wines than cheap ones — even when tasters were given the same vintage in disguise in a recent California Institute of Technology study.
Next up? A more complex study involving differently priced, different vintages of prostitutes.
Battered in recent years by the mad cow scare, animal-rights activists, and health concerns about red meat, Ontario's beef producers need to build a "brand" around their beef
as a top-quality, locally-made product.
For those who haven’t been following our Canadian news, these days Ontario’s other top-quality, locally-made product is crystal meth.
Key for the campaign: new mud-slinging slogans for other meats:
“chicken – they keep them in cages smaller than veal”
“pork – the other, weird white meat”
It’s not surprising that the brand is hurting, after last year’s risky, ultimately unsuccessful slogan: “Beef – it’s what’s for your last meal.”
Business journalist Michael Vaughan told delegates that consumers can be convinced beef is a healthy and convenient staple of meals.
In the same way they can be convinced that Twinkies are food, SUVs are safe and practical family vehicles, and polar bears aren’t drowning and love Coca-cola.
Canadian criminals are dumping MDMA into the United States. RCMP Supt. Ron Allen noted that "it's not something to wear with pride" that Canada is a source for the deadly drug.
You are entirely right. This is a highly destructive, unnatural substance and not to be proud of. Our British Columbia hydroponic, on the other hand, should be on our five dollar bill.
"Obviously we are not recommending people check their MDMA for meth," Allen said. "The only answer is don't do either one."
Stunningly, drug users across North America have arrived at a whole bunch of other answers.
U.S. drug czar John Walters called the deadly mixture "extreme Ecstasy".
In a related development, all the kids are clamoring to try this new "Extreme Ecstasy" they've heard about.
Next up? A more complex study involving differently priced, different vintages of prostitutes.
Battered in recent years by the mad cow scare, animal-rights activists, and health concerns about red meat, Ontario's beef producers need to build a "brand" around their beef
as a top-quality, locally-made product.
For those who haven’t been following our Canadian news, these days Ontario’s other top-quality, locally-made product is crystal meth.
Key for the campaign: new mud-slinging slogans for other meats:
“chicken – they keep them in cages smaller than veal”
“pork – the other, weird white meat”
It’s not surprising that the brand is hurting, after last year’s risky, ultimately unsuccessful slogan: “Beef – it’s what’s for your last meal.”
Business journalist Michael Vaughan told delegates that consumers can be convinced beef is a healthy and convenient staple of meals.
In the same way they can be convinced that Twinkies are food, SUVs are safe and practical family vehicles, and polar bears aren’t drowning and love Coca-cola.
Canadian criminals are dumping MDMA into the United States. RCMP Supt. Ron Allen noted that "it's not something to wear with pride" that Canada is a source for the deadly drug.
You are entirely right. This is a highly destructive, unnatural substance and not to be proud of. Our British Columbia hydroponic, on the other hand, should be on our five dollar bill.
"Obviously we are not recommending people check their MDMA for meth," Allen said. "The only answer is don't do either one."
Stunningly, drug users across North America have arrived at a whole bunch of other answers.
U.S. drug czar John Walters called the deadly mixture "extreme Ecstasy".
In a related development, all the kids are clamoring to try this new "Extreme Ecstasy" they've heard about.
Friday, January 11, 2008
cow heads, stoned felons, and prostitution
TORONTO - A suspended Toronto cop was found guilty of propositioning an undercover female officer for sex on Jarvis St., in the midst of a preliminary hearing into drug squad corruption two years ago today.
To give some idea of the awkwardness, that’s like if you saw that chick from accounting out on the street and tried to pay her for sex, but she was actually an undercover accountant.
DARWIN, Australia - An Australian teenager blamed the influence of marijuana for his decision to steal two crocodiles and a monkey, news media reported Wednesday.
Marijuana initially seemed an unlikely cause, but when recovered, one of the crocodiles had a bite out of it.
NORRISTOWN, Pa. - A Pennsylvania man who mailed a bloody cow's head to his wife's lover has been sentenced to probation and community service.
Still justice hasn’t been done – they didn’t even charge the guy at Mail Boxes Etc.
A love triangle may be behind a botched break-in in Langdon that ended in the death of one of the home invaders. Sources said the 24-year-old woman in the home, who was not hurt in the incident, may have had prior romantic involvement with one of the suspects.
Wow. I really hope this comes down to self-defense, because a home is a sanctuary, and because if people are even kind of entitled to invade the homes of chicks they’ve slept with, I am going to need to invest in a security system, immediately.
ORLANDO, Fla. - The home of Mickey Mouse, Tigger and Tinkerbell has banned kids from its fanciest restaurant.
And so Walt Disney World comes one step closer to being my idea of the happiest place on Earth.
HALIFAX - A local campaign to bring David Letterman to Nova Scotia received a boost this week when premier Rodney MacDonald offered a Top 10 list of reasons for Letterman to visit the Maritime province.
Wow, David Letterman. I guess the only thing more impressive than that would be bringing jobs.
Oh come on. David Letterman’s not coming to Nova Scotia. He doesn’t need EI!
That would be cool for them, but first you better make sure that the rest of Canada can afford to pay the costs to bring him.
TORONTO - Aboriginals in eastern Ontario warned Friday that they would illegally occupy the site of a proposed uranium mine unless the province calls a halt to the project.
"The destruction of the land, the consequence of a uranium mine being built, and the health effects will be devastating on our community," said former Ardoch chief Robert Lovelace.
Said the provincial government: “We are surprised to hear that their community has remained undevastated for this long.”
To give some idea of the awkwardness, that’s like if you saw that chick from accounting out on the street and tried to pay her for sex, but she was actually an undercover accountant.
DARWIN, Australia - An Australian teenager blamed the influence of marijuana for his decision to steal two crocodiles and a monkey, news media reported Wednesday.
Marijuana initially seemed an unlikely cause, but when recovered, one of the crocodiles had a bite out of it.
NORRISTOWN, Pa. - A Pennsylvania man who mailed a bloody cow's head to his wife's lover has been sentenced to probation and community service.
Still justice hasn’t been done – they didn’t even charge the guy at Mail Boxes Etc.
A love triangle may be behind a botched break-in in Langdon that ended in the death of one of the home invaders. Sources said the 24-year-old woman in the home, who was not hurt in the incident, may have had prior romantic involvement with one of the suspects.
Wow. I really hope this comes down to self-defense, because a home is a sanctuary, and because if people are even kind of entitled to invade the homes of chicks they’ve slept with, I am going to need to invest in a security system, immediately.
ORLANDO, Fla. - The home of Mickey Mouse, Tigger and Tinkerbell has banned kids from its fanciest restaurant.
And so Walt Disney World comes one step closer to being my idea of the happiest place on Earth.
HALIFAX - A local campaign to bring David Letterman to Nova Scotia received a boost this week when premier Rodney MacDonald offered a Top 10 list of reasons for Letterman to visit the Maritime province.
Wow, David Letterman. I guess the only thing more impressive than that would be bringing jobs.
Oh come on. David Letterman’s not coming to Nova Scotia. He doesn’t need EI!
That would be cool for them, but first you better make sure that the rest of Canada can afford to pay the costs to bring him.
TORONTO - Aboriginals in eastern Ontario warned Friday that they would illegally occupy the site of a proposed uranium mine unless the province calls a halt to the project.
"The destruction of the land, the consequence of a uranium mine being built, and the health effects will be devastating on our community," said former Ardoch chief Robert Lovelace.
Said the provincial government: “We are surprised to hear that their community has remained undevastated for this long.”
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