jokes: disasters and poisonous toys

NEW YORK (CNN) -- U.S. safety officials have recalled about 4.2 million Chinese-made Aqua Dots bead toys that contain a chemical that, once metabolized, converts into the toxic "date rape" drug GHB.

So ladies, take your business elsewhere if your local dance club is still offering those cute tasty Aquadot shooters.


HALIFAX - A group of international scientists called on world leaders Sunday to invest billions in a complex array of undersea technology to help to predict natural disasters. He said scientists were able to determine the intensity of hurricane Katrina two years ago because they knew the temperature of the water it passed over, which fuelled its force.

Yes, that's right, with a few billion dollars invested, every natural disaster can be managed as well as Hurricane Katrina.


A woman swarmed by a mob of Grade 8 boys in an apparent racially-charged attack near a northwest London school says she forgives her tormenters.

“Who knows”, said the woman, “they might have been whacked out on them Aquadots.”

jokes: disasters and American policy

SYDNEY, Australia - Conservative Prime Minister John Howard, one of the Bush administration's staunchest allies, suffered a humiliating election defeat Saturday at the hands of an opposition leader who has vowed to pull troops out of Iraq.

In a related development, the Bush government says plans are underway for a potential invasion of Australia.


The number of weather-related disasters has quadrupled over the past 20 years and the world should do more to prepare for them, the aid agency Oxfam says.

We also might want to try cutting back on all the stuff we're doing to cause them, too, but that's a different agency.


MALIBU, Calif. - A fast-moving wildfire pushed by Santa Ana winds raced through the canyons and mountains of this wealthy enclave for the second time in little more than a month Saturday, destroying more than 30 homes and forcing as many as 14,000 residents to flee.

That’s right, 14000 Malibu residents have been driven to one of their other mansions.

jokes: sex and drugs and hazing

A 13-year-old girl was among four people charged with cocaine offences in Bonnyville near Edmonton on Tuesday night.

You know, in these times of instant gratification, it’s refreshing to see the kids taking a break from meth to go back to the classics.



AMARILLO, Texas - A subdivision in Amarillo, Tex., has barred convicted sex offenders from owning or living in any new homes.

The new community would be totally safe if the rec centre would just fall into line and stop allowing homeless drifters to coach soccer.



MONTREAL - Quebec police union president Jean Beaudoin says he has no idea how the traditional police rookie initiation evening might have brought calls for investigation of hazing.

One potential cause of the complaints? The best-selling “Mounties Gone Wild” videos.

Beaudoin defends the initiation, saying it consists of an evening of drinking and horsing around and ends with a single firm pat on the buttocks with a clipboard.

…from a prostitute, while bound to chair with the recruit’s brand-new handcuffs, high on power and the cocaine that kickbacks bought.

jokes: Tim Horton's & ethics

NEW YORK - Scientists have made ordinary human skin cells take on the chameleon-like powers of embryonic stem cells, a startling breakthrough that might someday deliver the medical payoffs of embryo cloning without the controversy.

Medical ethicists are warning of the potential costs of the breakthrough: less work for medical ethicists.

Hey guys, don't worry. I for one promise to continue to keep you busy by doing all kinds of morally questionable medical stuff.



MONTREAL - An axe-wielding masked man who attempted to rob a Montreal-area doughnut shop was successfully subdued by store employees and customers.

The heroes realized that the man would be easily subdued after he ate a slice of Tim Horton’s near-poisonous cake.


Edmonton homicide cops are investigating a suspicious death after a body was found in a burned-out dumpster early this morning.

It’s suspicious, but let’s not rule out that someone may have passed away peacefully in a dumpster that was on fire.

headline jokes: crime, kickbacks, and giant bugs

OTTAWA - The number of Canadians behind bars rose in 2005-06 for the first time in a decade, mainly because more adults were in jail on remand awaiting trial or sentencing.

Still, experts warn that 2007 figures will be different, as our high loonie drives more people south of the border to steal stuff.



QUEBEC - The Quebec government will seek to buy more products made in the province in an effort to boost its flagging manufacturing sector. The government maintains new jobs created by the policy will offset the higher buying costs.

The kickbacks will help also.



LONDON - British scientists have found fossil evidence of ancient scorpions up to 2 meters long.

Hey Moms and Dads! Your kids are going to get nightmares about gigantic scorpions!

headline jokes: The Last Supper, sexless marriage and diapers

An Italian musician and computer technician claims to have uncovered musical notes encoded in Leonardo Da Vinci's "Last Supper."

But if you play it backwards: the Devil’s music.



MONTREAL - If a Quebec company has its way, dirty diapers normally destined for landfills will soon be transformed into a cost-effective, synthetic diesel fuel.

To my mom: I don’t care how much it would save me on gas, I’m not getting knocked up.



A state appeals court Friday in Alabama annulled a marriage after the wife complained that her husband never consummated the union. Her husband, a Czech citizen, could lose his permanent resident status under U.S. immigration laws and be deported.

And so in a nutshell: put out, or get deported.

Detoxify or Die

I recently encountered this book:





No idea if the content is valid, but the title works for me. Those "For Dummies" titles are accessible, but potentially insulting. This series could be really motivating. Imagine:

Cook Italian.. or DIE!

Hatha Yoga... or DIE!

Organize Your Digital Photos... or DIE!


And of course:


Play 1987 Nintendo Classic 'Skate or Die'...



..or DIE!