jokes: SatLav!

LONDON - Westminster City Council today launched "SatLav" - a toilet-finding service for cell phone users.

Having used cell phones to find public toilets for years, London’s gay men are once again ahead of the curve.


RCMP officers seized a computer at CBC Manitoba's downtown Winnipeg headquarters last week, but no one is saying why or what sort of content may be on its hard drive.

For years there was only speculation – could this be the proof of an Unfriendly Giant?


LONDON - Richard Leigh, author of the Holy Blood and the Holy Grail, who unsuccessfully sued for plagiarism over The Da Vinci Code, has died.

This guy had a rough last few years on Earth, but it might get worse. Out of the frying pan...

Best alarm clock ever

Since leaving my day job a few days back, I've struggled to maintain a strict schedule and wake up when I should. I must start the day early, but of course the reasons aren't as convincingly immediate.

I finally arrived at a workable solution - I've been up bright and early ever since! Here's the easy step-by-step method:

1. Obtain a cute chick. Perhaps one with a naturally tan skin tone, that evokes the kiss of sunlight even on a dark morning in the depths of a Calgary winter.

II. Tell her of your resolve. Make it clear that her help is appreciated and success will result in more such evenings followed by light and yet nourishing breakfasts.

III. Cuddle up with her. Go to sleep (eventually).

IV. Wake up and be gently but firmly nudged out of bed and into jogging clothes by the cute chick in your bed. She will keep it warm.

V. Return, shower and wake up the cute chick by a method of your choosing. Drink Earl Grey tea and eat fruit together.

Woman: innovator, nurturer, alarm clock. Is there anything she can't do?

jokes: Brooke Shields says we can have more!

NEW YORK - Brooke Shields hopes her upcoming show, "Lipstick Jungle," will convince women that they shouldn't be afraid to want it all.

The SPIKE TV network is offering women a counterpoint with their new program, “Shut up and Settle”.


Next month, the cancer arm of the World Health Organization will classify shift work as a "probable" carcinogen, the same category as cancer-causing agents like anabolic steroids, ultraviolet radiation and diesel engine exhaust.

So if you’re wondering what happened to all the bodybuilders at those 24-hour gyms, now you know: they’re at chemo.

jokes: marriage and young'uns

PROVO, Utah - A Utah couple stand accused of kidnapping their daughter on the eve of her wedding.

Reached for comment, Utah parents said “Well, we sympathize with- what? they were forcing their daughter to NOT get married?!”



A Chinese man is suing for divorce after discovering that he is the father of only one of his twins.

Although upset, the mother of the twins is looking on the bright side: “At least they’re both boys.”

jokes: climate change, have-not provinces

OTTAWA - Efforts to reduce global warming through technological innovations that improve fuel efficiency may be doomed and could even make the situation worse, says a new report.

In related news, big businesses and individuals heaved a sigh of relief as a new report on global warming gave them an excuse to stop trying.


OTTAWA - Native leaders from the West Coast and the South Pacific are pressuring the federal government to establish firm targets for reducing greenhouse gas emissions. Members of the Pacific People's Partnership say climate change is having a huge impact on indigenous communities.

Yeah. Because if there’s anything that really spurs our government to action, it’s the suffering of indigenous peoples.


FREDERICTON - New Brunswick's Liberal government says its throne speech is a road map to a self-sufficient future for the have-not province.

A spokesperson for the Alberta provincial government responded: “Self-sufficiency huh? How about you carry us for a couple of decades, then we’ll call it even.”

jokes: glaciers and pepper spray

EL ALTO, Bolivia – The glaciers of the Andes are melting at an alarming rate, raising fears for the area’s water supply.

Runoff from the glaciers will be available in bottles here in North America, under the brand name Our Earth is Dying and This is its Blood, You Selfish Bastards.


SAN JUAN, Puerto Rico - Ingrid Marie Rivera won Puerto Rico’s Miss spot in the Miss Universe pageant, in spite of sabotage that included pepper spray in her gowns and makeup that caused her to break out in hives.

There is an upside, as she is now a strong favorite for the Miss Calamine Lotion crown.

jokes: disasters and poisonous toys

NEW YORK (CNN) -- U.S. safety officials have recalled about 4.2 million Chinese-made Aqua Dots bead toys that contain a chemical that, once metabolized, converts into the toxic "date rape" drug GHB.

So ladies, take your business elsewhere if your local dance club is still offering those cute tasty Aquadot shooters.


HALIFAX - A group of international scientists called on world leaders Sunday to invest billions in a complex array of undersea technology to help to predict natural disasters. He said scientists were able to determine the intensity of hurricane Katrina two years ago because they knew the temperature of the water it passed over, which fuelled its force.

Yes, that's right, with a few billion dollars invested, every natural disaster can be managed as well as Hurricane Katrina.


A woman swarmed by a mob of Grade 8 boys in an apparent racially-charged attack near a northwest London school says she forgives her tormenters.

“Who knows”, said the woman, “they might have been whacked out on them Aquadots.”