cow heads, stoned felons, and prostitution

TORONTO - A suspended Toronto cop was found guilty of propositioning an undercover female officer for sex on Jarvis St., in the midst of a preliminary hearing into drug squad corruption two years ago today.

To give some idea of the awkwardness, that’s like if you saw that chick from accounting out on the street and tried to pay her for sex, but she was actually an undercover accountant.


DARWIN, Australia - An Australian teenager blamed the influence of marijuana for his decision to steal two crocodiles and a monkey, news media reported Wednesday.

Marijuana initially seemed an unlikely cause, but when recovered, one of the crocodiles had a bite out of it.


NORRISTOWN, Pa. - A Pennsylvania man who mailed a bloody cow's head to his wife's lover has been sentenced to probation and community service.

Still justice hasn’t been done – they didn’t even charge the guy at Mail Boxes Etc.


A love triangle may be behind a botched break-in in Langdon that ended in the death of one of the home invaders. Sources said the 24-year-old woman in the home, who was not hurt in the incident, may have had prior romantic involvement with one of the suspects.

Wow. I really hope this comes down to self-defense, because a home is a sanctuary, and because if people are even kind of entitled to invade the homes of chicks they’ve slept with, I am going to need to invest in a security system, immediately.


ORLANDO, Fla. - The home of Mickey Mouse, Tigger and Tinkerbell has banned kids from its fanciest restaurant.

And so Walt Disney World comes one step closer to being my idea of the happiest place on Earth.


HALIFAX - A local campaign to bring David Letterman to Nova Scotia received a boost this week when premier Rodney MacDonald offered a Top 10 list of reasons for Letterman to visit the Maritime province.

Wow, David Letterman. I guess the only thing more impressive than that would be bringing jobs.

Oh come on. David Letterman’s not coming to Nova Scotia. He doesn’t need EI!

That would be cool for them, but first you better make sure that the rest of Canada can afford to pay the costs to bring him.


TORONTO - Aboriginals in eastern Ontario warned Friday that they would illegally occupy the site of a proposed uranium mine unless the province calls a halt to the project.
"The destruction of the land, the consequence of a uranium mine being built, and the health effects will be devastating on our community," said former Ardoch chief Robert Lovelace.

Said the provincial government: “We are surprised to hear that their community has remained undevastated for this long.”

smoking

LETHBRIDGE - Some bar owners in Alberta contend that smoking patrons will go out less often because of the province-wide smoking ban that goes into effect Jan. 1.

Oh, you foolish politicians! You wanted to control smoking, but now alcoholism is the baby you've thrown out with the bathwater!


Young and single soldiers have the highest rates of depression and post-traumatic stress disorders, a national survey led by a London psychiatrist has found.

So, hookers won’t help, but mail-order brides might.

jokes: prostitutes, chimpanzees, juiced-up athletes, and puppies!

The head of the Humane Society of the United States on Tuesday accused a Bel Air pet store catering to celebrities of selling puppies obtained from puppy mills.

In a related story, the parents of Britney Spears, and the parents of Ashley and Jessica Simpson are being accusing of selling celebrities obtained from celebrity mills.


Prostitutes in Germany are being given the chance to retrain as geriatric nurses.

Reached for comment, several geriatric patients asked for some non-retrained ones.


Mario Jones has been officially stripped of the five medals she won at the Sydney Olympics after admitting she used performance-enhancing drugs at the time.

Asked for comments, Jones flew into a rage and put her fist through a car window.


A young chimpanzee has resoundingly outperformed college students in memory tests in an experiment at Kyoto university.

Critics of the study suggested that the researchers didn’t compensate for the years of superior schooling enjoyed by the chimpanzee.

Researchers are excited for the next phase of the experiment, in which they use college students who aren't high.

It remains unclear whether or not chimpanzees are intelligent enough to be really pissed off that we’re still the Earth’s dominant species, and still messing it up huge.


A top female politician ín Holland wants Dutch prostitutes sent abroad with the troops to help them relax.

Spokespeople for military in several other countries criticized the idea, noting that if the Dutch soldiers have hookers, everyone else will want them too.