Stands up and Travels

Bachmann Turns Her Overdrive

2011-06-28T23:23:00.000-07:00

The City of San Francisco is considering a proposal that would ban the sale of all pets within city limits.

Democratic party officials think the city is really just making it too easy for Mitt Romney's speech writers.

Residents of the Castro district are defiant:
"You will pry our French Bulldogs from our COLD DEAD HANDS."

Rocker Tom Petty has demanded Michele Bachmann stop using his hit American Girl at campaign rallies - because he doesn't agree with her politics.

He did, however, encourage her to use “Into the Great Wide Open” just as much as she likes.

breast milk spray

2011-06-27T20:59:00.000-07:00

Police say a drunk Ohio woman sprayed officers with breast milk when they tried to arrest her.

A spokesperson for public breast-feeding advocate groups called it "a... victory? I guess?"

The officers were upset to be sprayed, but as my mother noted, there are starving children in Africa who would be happy to be sprayed with that milk.

Sadly, the woman was not drunk enough for the officers to get a decent buzz.

The woman was found to have a blood alcohol level of .10, while the arresting officers estimated the milk had about 5%.

clergy, drunk parents

2011-06-18T16:54:00.000-07:00

The Vatican has announced plans to establish a clergy sexual abuse help center.

Secular authorities responded that this seems a fine idea, but noted there is really a more pressing need for a victims of clergy sexual abuse help center.

Children who see their parents drunk are twice as likely to regularly get drunk themselves, a survey of young teenagers has suggested.

Thus the conventional wisdom must be revised: teenagers rebel against everything except getting hammered.

The findings may spell the end of the fledgling 'Take your Daughter to Happy Hour" initiative.

Tennessee law

2011-06-09T22:34:00.000-07:00

A new Tennessee law makes it a crime to post an image online that might "frighten, intimidate or cause emotional distress" to someone.

In a related story, hundreds of Tennessee residents are reporting being frightened and intimidated by images depicting gay people, birth control or evolution.

A conservative senator read out a statement in the senate chamber today condemning the actions of page Brigitte DePape, who disrupted the Throne Speech in Parliament Friday.

The page's actions went against everything the senate stands for: not only did she take action in some way, but she was also known to habitually show up for work.

Jokes: crime and punishment edition - the kids are not okay

2009-03-21T03:19:00.000-07:00

JASPER, Texas - Deputies say they have found a toddler wandering alone on a Texas street, and methamphetamine and more than a dozen snakes in his mother's home.

I know, I know, "think of the children!", but I can't help but be preoccupied with thoughts of snakes on meth.

After his car was allegedly clocked at 194 km, a teenager’s car was impounded and his license revoked for a week while he awaited charges.

Now, I know that suspension seems short, but keep in mind, at the speed he was driving, that’s 32,694 km worth of suspension.

HART TOWNSHIP, Mich. (AP) — Police say a naked 14-year-old boy taking a walk with a large white poodle pushed a woman in Michigan then fled.

Deputies were relieved to find and apprehend the boy, as it allowed them to settle a station betting pool on whether he was mentally unstable, or he was imaginary and the woman was whacked on acid.

Jokes: frogfish, cock fighting and voice boxing

2009-03-15T13:00:00.000-07:00

British doctors are debating whether it is ethical to start clinical trials to allow voice box transplantation.

It is only a matter of time before other ethical questions will arise, such as how to decide who gets to have James Earl Jone’s voice box.

A brightly-coloured fish which bounces along the seabed has been hailed as a new species of frog fish by scientists - who have dubbed it "psychedelica".

Sadly, this discovery comes far too late for a late 60’s band to be named the New Psychedelica Frogfish.

Police and animal welfare officials near Toronto said they found a "sophisticated" cockfighting event in progress that featured on-site catering.

Because nothing says “sophisticated” like savoring a good meal as you watch your cockfight.

Jokes: Tar pits, word fossils, fairy tales

2009-03-11T07:49:00.000-07:00

A linguistics team says it can predict which English words are likely to become extinct - citing "squeeze", "guts", "stick" and "bad" as probable first casualties.

That’s right, soon these words will be extinct, and no one will be able to understand any of the dialogue in today’s porn.

LOS ANGELES - Scientists are studying a huge cache of Ice Age fossil deposits recovered near Los Angeles' famous La Brea Tar Pits.

Incredible. They found fossils. Right beside a famous deposit of fossils.

LOS ANGELES - Property records show the house where the Southern California woman who gave birth to octuplets lives is under the threat of foreclosure.

The grandmother did note that at this point, it would really be more appropriate to live in a shoe.

jokes: Russia sex marathons, underage cops, stray dogs and topless baristas

2009-03-07T01:15:00.000-08:00

A new coffee shop in Maine features topless male and female staff.

Like Starbucks, they offer coffee and pastries. They have a very different version of "breakfast pairings” though.

A German shepherd named Astro who has been missing from his family for more than nine years is finally home.

The family is overjoyed that the dog they knew only as an adorable puppy has been returned to them as a borderline feral, smelly old dog that needs lots of medical care.

A man in Russia collapsed and died minutes after winning a $4,300 bet with two women that he could complete a 12 hour sex marathon with them.
One of the women told Moscow police: “We called emergency services but it was too late, there was nothing they could do.”

“And we are definitely not going to star in a porn film based on this event, and it will definitely not be called “the Russian Black Widow Twins’ Orgy to the Death.”

After a 14-year-old boy posing as a policemen drove a squad car and aided in an arrest before being found out, police superintendent said:
“We were very fortunate that a lot of tragic things didn’t happen.”

“because now we still get to make a Nickelodeon movie about it.”

Jokes: Kissing, smiting, whining, marrying, warlocking

2009-02-19T22:11:00.000-08:00

Canada’s decision to legalize gay marriage has paved the way for polygamy to be legal as well, a defense lawyer said Wednesday as the two leaders of rival polygamous communities made their first court appearance.

Huh. I guess it WAS a slippery slope. Sorry, our bad.

NEW YORK - Authorities investigating white powder found in envelopes at the Wall Street Journal newspaper in New York City and Harvard Law School in Massachusetts said it was harmless.

The powder prompted concern until it was revealed to be a routine cocaine delivery.

MEXICO CITY - In Mexico City nearly 40,000 people locked lips to set a new record for the world's largest group kiss.

In an unrelated development, Mexico has set the record for most new herpes cases.

ANCHORAGE, Alaska — Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin is criticizing bloggers and media that she says are perpetuating malicious gossip about her and her children.

“I don’t want my kids brought into this, “ said Palin. “I hate that, almost as much as I hate discussing specific political issues directly relevant to my ability to govern.”

MEXICO CITY - Mexico's self-proclaimed "Grand Warlock" says the United States will pull troops out of Iraq in 2009 and send them to the border with Mexico in an attempt to expand its territory.

They’re going to discover oil in Mexico? That IS outlandish!

Three men with drug debts were kidnapped, held for more than 12 hours, and threatened with death before they were saved by a fire call at a north end apartment complex, Toronto Police say.

The ordeal was almost enough to make some of the men quit scamming drug dealers.

WASHINGTON - Nature turned against an early civilization 3,600 years ago, when researchers say earthquakes and floods, followed by blowing sand, drove away residents of an area that is now in Peru.

I'm not deeply religious, but even to me, that says "smited".

Jokes: ships in space, torture on earth, drug scientists

2009-02-17T19:35:00.000-08:00

CIA Director Michael Hayden said in an interview that whether waterboarding is torture is "an uninteresting question for the CIA."

"And if it was interesting to us, we’d torture someone until they told us all about it."

CALGARY - Canada's first astronaut says he's ready for life in cramped conditions that will slowly wear down his body and mind.

Then after that family road trip, he’s going into space!

TRENTON, N.J. – Drug company Pfizer Inc., is laying off up to 800 scientists in its latest effort to refocus and cut overhead

Pfizer is helping to locate jobs for the displaced, and also spearheading experiments to create superheroes to save us from the ranks of mad scientist supervillains these layoffs will no doubt create.

WASHINGTON - The head of NASA says the cost of continuing the life of the space shuttle past next year's planned retirement is $3 billion a year plus extending the risk of a deadly accident.

But buying out the lease at this point would be a real mess.

NASA's new shuttle will not be ready until March 2015, which would mean five years of NASA relying on Russia to get astronauts to the International Space Station.

Yes, that’s right America! Oil is down, the economy’s in the tubes, and now you have to depend on Russia for a lift.

A large fuel oil slick spilled into the Celtic Sea is heading to the coasts of Ireland and Wales.

The spill could enrich the already storied Irish culture, as Irish and Black Irish meet Greasy Black Irish.

A toy fair exhibitor in New York is offering a Bernard Madoff doll, which comes with a hammer to smash it to pieces. The doll retails for $99.95.

$100 seems kind of steep.. wait a sec, are we entirely sure that this toy company isn't owned by a parent company owned by Bernard Madoff?

US Moral Stature, a church sex challenge, and sick squirrels

2008-11-16T20:38:00.000-08:00

In his first television interview since the election, Barack Obama promised to rebuild his country's "moral stature in the world" by pulling troops out of Iraq, shoring up Afghanistan, and closing Guantanamo Bay.

Ending war and torture is all well and good, just so long as this radical liberal agenda doesn’t lose the Bush administration’s hard-fought gains for America’s moral stature: abstinence programs and preventing gay marriage.

DALLAS - The pastor of a megachurch is challenging married congregants to have sex for seven straight days.

Congregants were enthusiastic about the challenge, until they found out that they had to have sex with their spouses.

Endangered red squirrels in the UK may finally be developing immunity to a disease carried by invasive non-native grey squirrels.

Wait, a British species is nearly annihilated because a foreign species came and spread diseases? Oh, the irony.

Jokes: human/animal hybrids, dinosaur dances, and nasty bloggers

2008-11-03T15:31:00.000-08:00

Geologists say they have discovered prehistoric animal tracks so densely packed on a 3/4-acre site that they’re calling it a “dinosaur dance floor.”

And now we know what next summer’s crappy computer-animated Disney film is going to be about.

LONDON – British government overhauled sensitive science laws to allow scientists to use hybrid animal-human embryos. Also under the new laws: in-vitro fertilization clinics will no longer have to consider the need for a child to have a father when deciding whether to offer treatment to lesbian couples.

Yes, it’s good that they’re finally through debating the role of a father in a child’s life, now that they have to start debating the role of a cow.

NASA administrator Michael Griffin said critics in the media and on anonymous Internet blogs can "chip away" at morale by questioning the motives and ethics of engineers designing a next-generation rocket system.

Okay, I’m no rocket scientist, but even I know that telling anonymous internet bloggers that they have destructive power will not make them stop.

Jokes: knocked-up teens, funky bacteria, and Kim Jong-Il

2008-10-16T17:41:00.000-07:00

GLOUCESTER, Mass. - Schools in the Massachusetts city where girls reportedly made a "pregnancy pact" will allow contraceptives to be distributed - with parental consent.

Or, as it will be in another 4 months, grandparental consent.

A previously unknown arsenic-loving bacteria discovered deep in a former mine may provide a way to keep one the toxic mine sites from poisoning lakes and river systems.

That’s bittersweet, to me, because anytime that I’ve encountered bacteria from miners, well, I had to take antibiotics.

SACRAMENTO, Calif. - Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger is vetoing a bill to fine motorists $35 for sharing the driver's seat with lapdogs or other animals. Republican Assemblyman Bill Maze introduced the bill, saying the practice is distracting.

Though technically, if the “lapdogs” are really distracting, they'll become “windshield dogs”.

The US and South Korean governments are alleging that Kim Jong Il has suffered a stroke, but North Korea maintains that recently released pictures prove he’s looking healthy and normal.

The US government does concede that in the case of Kim Jong Il, ‘normal-looking’ is relative.

Jokes: Ignoring First Nations, knocking over a 7-11 in a wheelchair, and fighting the scourge of Ladies Night

2008-10-13T21:09:00.000-07:00

TORONTO - Aboriginal people have been granted the 102nd spot on a government-sponsored list of 101 things that most define Canada after online respondents pointed out that First Nations people, culture and symbols weren't included in the original tally.

Might seem like an embarrassing oversight, but keep in mind item #26 on the list of that which defines Canada: “Ignoring First Nations people, culture and symbols”.

One beach in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil was the scene of diverse events last Sunday, beginning with a march to honor a patron saint, followed by the World Half Marathon Championship, with Children's Day celebrations at noon, and raucous Gay Pride celebrations in the evening.

The events were successes in their own right, and for a small contingent of fit, Catholic, hard partying gay parents, it was a perfect day.

WASILLA, Alaska – Long before her political rise, Sarah Palin gained local fame as a member of a state championship-winning basketball team.

Though not as well-trained as players from larger schools, Palin was an engaging player, with few specific game plans but a folksy, relatable free throw.

NEW YORK – A judge has thrown out a federal law suit by a man who says that ladies' nights at Manhattan nightclubs discriminate against men by offering women free or discounted admission and drinks.

The man hopes, on behalf of all men, that an appeal will be successful, ladies nights will be no more, and men can be free to enjoy bars unencumbered by those pesky, drunken, horny women.

Dallas police Cpl. Kevin Janse said Friday that a man in a wheelchair, armed with a bat and a knife, successfully robbed a 7-11 of 10 boxes of condoms and an energy drink.

One might wonder why staff did not try harder to stop the man, but I think they were just smart enough to realize that if a man in a wheelchair doesn’t even bother to bring a gun to rob you, he probably knows something you don’t.

WASHINGTON - A small asteroid was headed for a fiery but harmless dive into Earth's atmosphere early Tuesday morning over Africa, astronomers said in a first of its kind advance warning.

“It won’t cause any damage at all,” said scientists, “There’s no people in Africa, right?”

Toronto Homes: the Entry

2008-10-10T01:03:00.000-07:00

Upon hearing that I would be driving from Calgary to Toronto with a friend who was moving east, my grandmother told me that she would envy my experience of fall colors. Autumn in Alberta is lovely, but we do miss out almost entirely on the reds of the fall spectrum, including maples.

Another rarity in Alberta that is plentiful here: brick. Here on the Canadian Shield brick is handy and buildings are all the more beautiful for it. Even new suburbs feel less sterile here, more homey and substantial for being only partially covered in aluminum siding.

I can't resist a few posts counting the many ways I love the classic homes I'm seeing on my daily jogs through my temporary home neighborhood. To begin, doorways framed in stone:

Bonus points if the door isn't standard rectangular:

No bonus points if your beautifully framed door is excessively cluttered with wreath, planters, and lamps:

Aww, who am I kidding? I can't stay mad at you.

Another Toronto Pride Surprise: Me to We!

2008-07-09T18:58:00.001-07:00

On Pride Sunday in Toronto, I happened to be wearing a new favorite piece of clothing: a t-shirt from Me to We [Responsible Style]:
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Me to We [Responsible Style] produces ethical clothing for the socially conscious consumer. Not only are their garments ethically produced from organic cotton and bamboo, but a whopping 50% of their profits go to their charity partner, Free the Children.

And the shirt? Wonderfully soft, lovely color, and a fantastic fit, even for somewhat-freakishly-long-torsoed me. There are many other tempting styles on the website; I'll be making another order soon. They also do custom printing.

The delightful surprise? Some of the staff of Free the Children were out enjoying the festivities, and recognized my shirt! A great way to meet some very nice people. Here I am with Elysia Blake, Lauren Roach, Megan Barton and Jon Macindoe:

A pleasure to meet some of the people behind a great organization.

Toronto Pride: A Real Lesbian Hero!

2008-07-03T14:55:00.000-07:00

I ran across this girl in a beer garden on Pride Sunday in Toronto:

Her name is Poonam, and yes, her T-shirt does say "G.I. Julia, Real Lesbian Hero"! A friend of hers had the shirts custom-made for a fund raiser where they were all cheering on their friend Julia:

Mmmm hmmm! She does look like a Lesbian Hero, doesn't she? Dani Campbell ain't got nothing on that gal!

Needless to say, I need to get my hands on one of these shirts. More on this story as it develops.

Toronto Pride 2008

2008-06-27T23:17:00.001-07:00

I am in Toronto to perform at Homo Night in Canada, a fantastic fund raiser. It's a lovely venue and I'm sure it will be a lot of fun, just as it was last year. Perhaps even some Pride shenanigans will ensue.

But right now I'm on an unfamiliar little bed and I can't sleep. There is a lack of shenanigans, and an abundance of humidity.

lacrosse moonings, beer coffins, broken windows and immigration

2008-05-07T13:32:00.000-07:00

A Chicago Heights man had a coffin custom-made to resemble a huge can of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer.

Oh, you may think it’s not classy, but I think it’s just as nice as those coffins custom-made to look like import beers.

DENVER — An inmate in handcuffs and shackles was seriously injured when he jumped through a closed window in a third-floor courtroom where he was facing assault charges.

A police official says it’s not clear whether the man was trying to escape, commit suicide, or assault the window.

A special immigration unit created to track alleged human rights violators from foreign nations is continuing to aggressively pursue individuals who seek refuge in the U.S., according to Senior U.S. Homeland Security official Julie Myers.
"Our goal is to make sure the United States is not a safe haven for human rights violators," Myers said.

"Except ours."

ANN ARBOR, Mich. - Thirteen members of a high school lacrosse team have been disciplined for baring their bottoms to display the question: "Will You Go To The Prom With Me? Yes or No?" on their backsides, revealing during a game. Carolyn Campbell accepted the invitation by patting the back of the player who displayed the word "Yes."

The girl said that the method of communication is naughtily amusing at a football game, but frustratingly slow and kind of awkward when they go out for dinner.

Second Life

2008-05-07T00:27:00.000-07:00

I have been offered a gig in Second Life. A fellow comic who does a lot of gigs in SL is doing a Second Life Pride Show and invited me to perform. He cautioned me that this would be an 'building' show, useful mostly for experience and paying next to nothing, particularly if one converts the virtual payment to real dollars.

And so I have discovered that in the world of Second Life, where reality is malleable and one can assume whatever guise one wishes, at least two things remain steadfast and true:

1. Comedians don't make money
2. I can only get niche shows.

Any avatar suggestions?

Arlan and I did LAX and all I got was a gigantic coffee

2008-04-03T16:03:00.000-07:00

I got into LA last night, a stopover before a road trip to Dinah Shore tonight. The bonus: I met up with the lovely Arlan Hamilton, blogger celebrity extraordinaire. She was keen to meet me, but then, she's keen to meet 10,000 people this month so I'm not that special. Visit her site and help her on her quest!

In search of wifi, we ended up at McDonald's, and I ended up with an iced coffee almost as big as I am.

I'm sure LA is lovely, and I promise not to judge this or any city by its airport area, which is of course a mess of freeways and hotels and little else.

Curve Magazine this month

2008-03-29T14:39:00.000-07:00

This month's issue of Curve includes a listing of results from their current website poll to determine America's funniest lesbian. I am so very excited to have my picture anywhere on the same page as all the other incredible performers on that list!

Check it out this month, and if you're at Dinah Shore next weekend, come up and say hello!

"I was raised to believe..."

2008-03-23T23:31:00.000-07:00

When public figures are chastised for homophobia, they often use their upbringing as an excuse.

It's a great tactic - it evokes a nice sympathetic image of the public figure as a wee child, sitting on grandpa's knee, learning about the wide world.

I support gay rights; it's not so much what I was raised to believe as what I believed when I sprang, fully formed as an adult from the fiery depths of hell.

Though, as those of you who have seen the Shane/Alice video know, I'm arguably not really fully-formed.

violent pandas, prudent Chinese governance, human semi-compassion

2008-03-23T21:58:00.000-07:00

BEIJING - China has issued a "Most Wanted" list of 21 rioters shown in grainy photos waving knives and fighting during last week's violence over Chinese rule in Tibet.

That list does sound as though the Chinese government is just trying to maintain law and order, but keep in mind that they’ve also posted lists of "Most Wanted Meditators" and "Most Wanted Journalists".

WASHINGTON (AP) — The 170-pound giant panda cub at the National Zoo grabbed a worker while trying to play, sending her to the hospital with a small leg laceration, zoo officials said Wednesday.

Encouraging, really - after decades of habitat destruction, those wussy pandas are finally cluing in and starting to fight back.

Offers of help are pouring in to animal authorities after more than 100 dogs were found in horrifying conditions at a Middlesex County farm described as a "dog gulag" by police.

The offers are proof, once again, of human compassion for animals, which appears, once again, to exceed human compassion for humans.

murder, swan love, drunk cowboys and massive lobsters

2008-03-18T21:06:00.000-07:00

An eight-kilo, 50-year-old lobster is at a Montreal aquarium after a New England woman rescued him from the boiling pot at a Super Bowl party.

Big deal! Every year thousands of women have to rescue oversized fifty-year-old males from Super Bowl parties, because they are married to them.

Sheriffs in Virginia City Nevada, where volunteers dress up as cowboys and pose for photos with tourists, say they're more strictly enforcing a county ordinance that prohibits alcohol consumption by historical re-enactors wearing guns.

So if you want great family fun head on out to Virginia City, where people in period costumes who hopefully don't have live ammunition and aren't supposed to be drunk, will hound you for money.

Petra, a black swan in Berlin who became attached to a swan-shaped boat, has finally left it in favor of a live swan.

A swan in love with a boat? By German standards, that’s really pretty vanilla.

LOS ANGELES (AP) — Two elderly women stand accused of killing two transient men with a car so they could collect nearly $3 million in insurance money.

And I know what you’re thinking but it would actually not be a cool Pepsi commercial.

Male problems and censorship

2008-03-17T01:06:00.000-07:00

Common male genital disorders, low sperm count and testicular cancer could all be linked to hormone levels early in pregnancy, research from the University of Edinburgh suggests.

Well, here we go again: yet another study confirming that men are inherently flawed. I was *this close* to giving dudes a go, but sheesh, who knows what kind of freak show a guy is packing down there?

Access to YouTube.com, usually readily available in China, was blocked after videos of Tibet protests appeared on the site.

In a related story, everyone is really surprised that Youtube is usually readily available in China.

Curve Magazine's Poll

2008-03-16T01:17:00.000-07:00

Yes, Curve Magazine's website is currently running a poll to determine who is America's Funniest Lesbian. And I am in the running.

Wicked.

Is your movie's title a slogan? You have a bad movie.

2008-03-16T00:59:00.001-07:00

Rule of thumb: if a movie's title is actually a slogan, it's probably a bad movie. That's why I don't need to read reviews to know that Never Back Down (from the people who brought you Step Up!") is a bad movie, from the people who brought you a different bad movie.

Rules, New Orleans style

2008-02-28T20:48:00.001-08:00

When rules need to be somewhat obeyed, phrasing is crucial:

You should sort of not bring beer into this gas station.

inventive Maritimers

2008-02-28T20:13:00.000-08:00

HALIFAX - Ottawa has announced $63 million in research money for 29 Atlantic Canadian firms. Peter MacKay, minister responsible for the Atlantic Canada Opportunities Agency, said that the funding recipients show advances are being made at promoting East Coast inventiveness.

Please note that that guy from Nova Scotia who keeps claiming he invented Screech is not a funding recipient.

New Orleans Show

2008-02-16T11:58:00.001-08:00

Some sort of flyer to follow shortly, but for now I can tell you that my New Orleans show with Dykes of Hazzard is at Balcony Music Club (corner of Decatur & Esplanade) on February 20th at 8 pm. Hooray!

panties, heavy equipment and fire

2008-01-16T21:50:00.001-08:00

LONDON - A fire department official in Britain says Jenny Marsey's miraculous underwear saved the day when her nephew put out a grease fire by grabbing the nearest thing from a pile of washing to smother the fire - a wet pair of his aunt's size 18 underwear.

What was a wet pair of her underwear doing in the kitchen? Inquiring minds don’t want to know.

EDMONTON - Construction and energy companies are happy with an Alberta court ruling that upholds the right of employers to test workers in safety-sensitive jobs for drugs. In their ruling the judges noted that "extending human rights protections to situations resulting in placing the lives of others at risk flies in the face of logic."

“Except for the criminal code.”

WEST HEMPSTEAD, N.Y. - Dr. Herman Weiss says yesterday "was just my day" after the obstetrician saved his wife and six children from a fire that ravaged their home, delivered a baby while the house was still smoldering - then got cited with building violations.

To top it all off, the baby he delivered was hideous.

PRINCE GEORGE, B.C. - The ice jam that has threatened to flood homes for almost a month and forced the residents of a further eight houses onto evacuation alert Monday could remain a problem until spring, says a city spokesman. Don Schaffer said there isn't anywhere for the ice to go and it could continue to plug up the city's waterways.

Enjoy this, people – it’s the last time that an excess of ice is going to be the problem.

Wine, meth and Grade A, Top Choice Meat

2008-01-16T21:14:00.000-08:00

The pleasure centers of the brain responded more strongly to pricey wines than cheap ones — even when tasters were given the same vintage in disguise in a recent California Institute of Technology study.

Next up? A more complex study involving differently priced, different vintages of prostitutes.

Battered in recent years by the mad cow scare, animal-rights activists, and health concerns about red meat, Ontario's beef producers need to build a "brand" around their beef
as a top-quality, locally-made product.
For those who haven’t been following our Canadian news, these days Ontario’s other top-quality, locally-made product is crystal meth.

Key for the campaign: new mud-slinging slogans for other meats:
“chicken – they keep them in cages smaller than veal”
“pork – the other, weird white meat”

It’s not surprising that the brand is hurting, after last year’s risky, ultimately unsuccessful slogan: “Beef – it’s what’s for your last meal.”

Business journalist Michael Vaughan told delegates that consumers can be convinced beef is a healthy and convenient staple of meals.

In the same way they can be convinced that Twinkies are food, SUVs are safe and practical family vehicles, and polar bears aren’t drowning and love Coca-cola.

Canadian criminals are dumping MDMA into the United States. RCMP Supt. Ron Allen noted that "it's not something to wear with pride" that Canada is a source for the deadly drug.

You are entirely right. This is a highly destructive, unnatural substance and not to be proud of. Our British Columbia hydroponic, on the other hand, should be on our five dollar bill.

"Obviously we are not recommending people check their MDMA for meth," Allen said. "The only answer is don't do either one."

Stunningly, drug users across North America have arrived at a whole bunch of other answers.

U.S. drug czar John Walters called the deadly mixture "extreme Ecstasy".

In a related development, all the kids are clamoring to try this new "Extreme Ecstasy" they've heard about.

cow heads, stoned felons, and prostitution

2008-01-11T16:51:00.000-08:00

TORONTO - A suspended Toronto cop was found guilty of propositioning an undercover female officer for sex on Jarvis St., in the midst of a preliminary hearing into drug squad corruption two years ago today.

To give some idea of the awkwardness, that’s like if you saw that chick from accounting out on the street and tried to pay her for sex, but she was actually an undercover accountant.

DARWIN, Australia - An Australian teenager blamed the influence of marijuana for his decision to steal two crocodiles and a monkey, news media reported Wednesday.

Marijuana initially seemed an unlikely cause, but when recovered, one of the crocodiles had a bite out of it.

NORRISTOWN, Pa. - A Pennsylvania man who mailed a bloody cow's head to his wife's lover has been sentenced to probation and community service.

Still justice hasn’t been done – they didn’t even charge the guy at Mail Boxes Etc.

A love triangle may be behind a botched break-in in Langdon that ended in the death of one of the home invaders. Sources said the 24-year-old woman in the home, who was not hurt in the incident, may have had prior romantic involvement with one of the suspects.

Wow. I really hope this comes down to self-defense, because a home is a sanctuary, and because if people are even kind of entitled to invade the homes of chicks they’ve slept with, I am going to need to invest in a security system, immediately.

ORLANDO, Fla. - The home of Mickey Mouse, Tigger and Tinkerbell has banned kids from its fanciest restaurant.

And so Walt Disney World comes one step closer to being my idea of the happiest place on Earth.

HALIFAX - A local campaign to bring David Letterman to Nova Scotia received a boost this week when premier Rodney MacDonald offered a Top 10 list of reasons for Letterman to visit the Maritime province.

Wow, David Letterman. I guess the only thing more impressive than that would be bringing jobs.

Oh come on. David Letterman’s not coming to Nova Scotia. He doesn’t need EI!

That would be cool for them, but first you better make sure that the rest of Canada can afford to pay the costs to bring him.

TORONTO - Aboriginals in eastern Ontario warned Friday that they would illegally occupy the site of a proposed uranium mine unless the province calls a halt to the project.
"The destruction of the land, the consequence of a uranium mine being built, and the health effects will be devastating on our community," said former Ardoch chief Robert Lovelace.

Said the provincial government: “We are surprised to hear that their community has remained undevastated for this long.”

smoking

2007-12-30T21:05:00.000-08:00

LETHBRIDGE - Some bar owners in Alberta contend that smoking patrons will go out less often because of the province-wide smoking ban that goes into effect Jan. 1.

Oh, you foolish politicians! You wanted to control smoking, but now alcoholism is the baby you've thrown out with the bathwater!

Young and single soldiers have the highest rates of depression and post-traumatic stress disorders, a national survey led by a London psychiatrist has found.

So, hookers won’t help, but mail-order brides might.

Stamps, fur, porn and homophobia (the good life)

2007-12-30T20:39:00.000-08:00

BELLOWS FALLS, Vt. - The new owner of a hardware store made an unexpected discovery: a climate-controlled vault containing six fur coats, about a dozen suits and some dresses and hats, apparently untouched since the late 1970s.

After 30 years in the climate-controlled vault, The coats are in perfect condition and potentially very valuable. The pimps didn’t fare nearly as well, and will be disposed of.

DALLAS - A collector from New York has purchased a rare, 24-cent U.S. stamp depicting an upside-down airplane for $825,000. Heritage Auction Galleries did not identify the buyer of the "Inverted Jenny".

In related news, another auction netted a disappointing $650 for an inverted Jenny McCarthy.

PLAINFIELD TOWNSHIP, Mich. - A Michigan man's long search for his birth mother ended this week when he discovered that his birth mother has been working at the same hardware store as he.

It’s yet another reason to avoid dating in the workplace.

COOKEVILLE, Tenn. - A man is thinking about suing Wal-Mart because the MP3 video player he gave to his daughter for Christmas turned out to be loaded with explicit tunes and porn videos.

Comforting to me, because now there is something besides me that comes pre-loaded with porn.

COLOMBO, Sri Lanka - A Sri Lankan government minister and his bodyguards rampaged through the offices of a state television station and assaulted its news director before furious employees fought back and took them hostage, officials and witnesses said.

This could have been a fantastic plot for a holiday movie, if they had only managed to save Christmas while they were in there.

PORTLAND, Ore. - A federal judge in Oregon has placed a state domestic partnership law set to take effect Jan. 1 on hold, pending a February hearing, after an effort by gay-rights opponents fell 116 valid signatures short of the 55,179 needed to suspend the law.

Ugggh, just 116 signatures short! 55,000 homophobes strong, but not quite homophobic enough! But it’s not too late! Sign now Oregon, while there’s still time to make sure that some of your tax-paying citizens don’t get spousal health benefits, inheritances, or full custody of the children they raise.

gambling, new cute things, and relatives who won't go away

2007-12-18T15:19:00.000-08:00

JAKARTA, Indonesia (AP) — Researchers in a remote jungle in Indonesia have discovered a giant rat and a tiny possum that are apparently new to science.

“It’s comforting to know that there is a place on Earth so isolated that it remains the absolute realm of wild nature," said expedition leader Bruce Beehler.

"Now we're going to helicopter in and clearcut a spot for a research centre."

The possum was described as “one of the worlds smallest marsupials.”

Sadly, now Paris Hilton wants one.

Loto-Quebec, the Atlantic Lottery Corp. and the Ontario Lottery and Gaming Corp. have teamed up with researchers at McGill University to urge parents to avoid giving their children lottery tickets as Christmas presents.

Oh way to go, guys. The kids didn't even want lottery tickets until you said they were bad.

LONDON - Britain may start requiring residents to pay deposits when their non-European Union family members visit - refundable only when the relatives go home, - according to a government proposal aimed at tightening borders and eliminating illegal immigration.

If you don't feel like returning them yourself, if you live downtown you can just leave them on the curb. According to the deposit structure, relatives under 50 kgs would hardly be worth returning, but the bigger ones will be attractive targets for relative-pickers. Then they can be recycled into something useful.

Cats and mice and acid

2007-12-13T15:34:00.000-08:00

LOS ANGELES - A biochemist who killed her husband by knocking him out and pouring hydrochloric acid on him was convicted Wednesday of first-degree murder.

Wow, dissolving a body in acid. No one would expect that. Unless of course, you’re a BIOCHEMIST.

TOKYO - Using genetic engineering, scientists at Tokyo University say they have created mice that display no fear of cats.

The specimenes were not on hand, as the researchers were not successful in their attempts to breed cats that don’t love eating fearless mice.

jokes: prostitutes, chimpanzees, juiced-up athletes, and puppies!

2007-12-12T10:13:00.000-08:00

The head of the Humane Society of the United States on Tuesday accused a Bel Air pet store catering to celebrities of selling puppies obtained from puppy mills.

In a related story, the parents of Britney Spears, and the parents of Ashley and Jessica Simpson are being accusing of selling celebrities obtained from celebrity mills.

Prostitutes in Germany are being given the chance to retrain as geriatric nurses.

Reached for comment, several geriatric patients asked for some non-retrained ones.

Mario Jones has been officially stripped of the five medals she won at the Sydney Olympics after admitting she used performance-enhancing drugs at the time.

Asked for comments, Jones flew into a rage and put her fist through a car window.

A young chimpanzee has resoundingly outperformed college students in memory tests in an experiment at Kyoto university.

Critics of the study suggested that the researchers didn’t compensate for the years of superior schooling enjoyed by the chimpanzee.

Researchers are excited for the next phase of the experiment, in which they use college students who aren't high.

It remains unclear whether or not chimpanzees are intelligent enough to be really pissed off that we’re still the Earth’s dominant species, and still messing it up huge.

A top female politician ín Holland wants Dutch prostitutes sent abroad with the troops to help them relax.

Spokespeople for military in several other countries criticized the idea, noting that if the Dutch soldiers have hookers, everyone else will want them too.

Cushtop

2007-12-06T15:54:00.000-08:00

I recently had the good fortune to win a Belkin Cushtop, a foam cushion for notebook computers.

I wasn't entirely sure that the administrators of the contest would be willing to ship it to Canada, so I made inquiries to a few American friends to see if anyone needed one. Specifically, I asked:
-did they have a laptop
-in what position did they usually use their laptop?
-was heat a problem?

Several friends were hesitant to answer these questions, because they weren't entirely sure I wasn't referring to a sex act, for which "laptop" was some crazy Canadian euphemism.

And that was before I even mentioned the Cushtop.

So, comments: Is laptop slang for anything yet? If not, what should it be? And what of the Cushtop? Is Cushtop a body part? An act?

jokes: miniature hippos, plentiful manatees, and self esteem!

2007-12-06T15:50:00.000-08:00

GENEVA - China continues to evict 13,000 people each month in preparation for the Beijing Olympics, despite worldwide attention and increased scrutiny, a housing rights group said Wednesday.

ON the plus side, for the first time, the athletes’ village will be an authentic village.

AYIA NAPA, Cyprus - Paleontologists have unearthed an estimated 80 dwarf hippos in Cyprus.

The miniature hippos were land-based, and occupied the island about 10000 years ago, during what scientists have termed the Cute Period.

KEY LARGO, Fla. - Manatees will remain on Florida's endangered species list for now. The commission had been considering whether to reclassify the manatee as a "threatened" species instead of "endangered."

They also retain their “animals that are on calendars all the time” designation, though they have slipped in ranking of “animals that girls draw on their binders.”

Researchers at Stanford University, who studied sedentary people for a year, found that automated exercise reminder phone calls had about the same get-up-and-go power as calls from human counsellors.

The researchers next project? To discover whether computer-generated messages of judgement and criticism can create self-hatred as consistently as those of actual teenage girls.

jokes: video games & loneliness & sexy dinosaurs

2007-12-04T13:49:00.000-08:00

PARIS - Finnish students came out on top of a worldwide education study on science performance. Canadian students were third, U.S. students 29th.

Americans wanted to criticize the study, but they couldn't quite comprehend the structure of the experiment.

WASHINGTON - A new ecological report states that divorce can be bad for the environment, because A married household actually uses resources more efficiently than a divorced household.

So hey, lonely people: don’t just feel sad and inadequate. Feel guilty.

To the polygamists: I know you’re feeling smug right about now, but having three wives is only more efficient if you don’t have a dozen kids.

BOISE, Idaho - An Idaho newspaper is reporting that eight men have had sexual encounters with disgraced Republican Senator Larry Craig.

When an undercover cop said Craig solicited sex, that sounded kind of gay. But sleeping with eight people, now THAT sounds like a gay man.

The fossilized duckbilled hadrosaur is so well preserved that scientists have been able to calculate its muscle mass and learn that it was more muscular than thought, probably giving it the ability to outrun predators such as T. rex.

Wow. You know, I never really noticed how ripped that dinosaur mummy was. That, that is HOT.

More than 75% of parents are concerned about the content of video games played by their children, a survey suggests. Almost half of the 4,000 parents surveyed in the UK, France, Italy and Germany said that one hour of gaming each day should be the limit.

However, 40% of those parents also said that it is anyone’s responsibility except theirs to establish discipline or healthy habits for their offspring.

Homosexuals Agenda Wicked

2007-12-01T17:40:00.000-08:00

THE CANADIAN PRESS CALGARY -- A human rights panel says an Alberta man and a group called the Concerned Christian Coalition broke the province's human rights law by writing a letter that likely exposed gays to hatred and contempt. The letter, written by Stephen Boissoin in 2002 when he was a member of the coalition, was published in the Red Deer Advocate newspaper. The letter was entitled "Homosexual agenda wicked" and suggested gays are as immoral as pedophiles, drug dealers and pimps.

** A break here for word play! How many different ways can we read that title? **

1. Homosexual Agenda Wicked ("Listen up, concerned citizens! Homosexual people have an agenda and it is evil.")

2. Homosexual! Agenda?! Wicked! ("I'm homosexual. I have an agenda? I'm stoked about that! It is radically awesome!"

3. Homosexual Agenda: Wicked. ("Welcome, homosexuals. Is everyone here? Great. As scheduled, we'll start off by discussing the hit Broadway musical..."

4. Homosexual! Agenda - Wicked! (Hey, look, over there, a homosexual! I shall change my mindset and intentions to wicked mode!")

Judging by the body of the letter, its author was probably intending the first interpretation. But maybe not. This could all be one big misunderstanding.

Actual article at: http://www.canoe.ca/WesternTicker/CANOE-wire.Alta-Gay-Hate-Ruling.html

jokes: SatLav!

2007-11-30T14:18:00.000-08:00

LONDON - Westminster City Council today launched "SatLav" - a toilet-finding service for cell phone users.

Having used cell phones to find public toilets for years, London’s gay men are once again ahead of the curve.

RCMP officers seized a computer at CBC Manitoba's downtown Winnipeg headquarters last week, but no one is saying why or what sort of content may be on its hard drive.

For years there was only speculation – could this be the proof of an Unfriendly Giant?

LONDON - Richard Leigh, author of the Holy Blood and the Holy Grail, who unsuccessfully sued for plagiarism over The Da Vinci Code, has died.

This guy had a rough last few years on Earth, but it might get worse. Out of the frying pan...

Best alarm clock ever

2007-11-30T13:08:00.000-08:00

Since leaving my day job a few days back, I've struggled to maintain a strict schedule and wake up when I should. I must start the day early, but of course the reasons aren't as convincingly immediate.

I finally arrived at a workable solution - I've been up bright and early ever since! Here's the easy step-by-step method:

1. Obtain a cute chick. Perhaps one with a naturally tan skin tone, that evokes the kiss of sunlight even on a dark morning in the depths of a Calgary winter.

II. Tell her of your resolve. Make it clear that her help is appreciated and success will result in more such evenings followed by light and yet nourishing breakfasts.

III. Cuddle up with her. Go to sleep (eventually).

IV. Wake up and be gently but firmly nudged out of bed and into jogging clothes by the cute chick in your bed. She will keep it warm.

V. Return, shower and wake up the cute chick by a method of your choosing. Drink Earl Grey tea and eat fruit together.

Woman: innovator, nurturer, alarm clock. Is there anything she can't do?

jokes: Brooke Shields says we can have more!

2007-11-29T12:44:00.000-08:00

NEW YORK - Brooke Shields hopes her upcoming show, "Lipstick Jungle," will convince women that they shouldn't be afraid to want it all.

The SPIKE TV network is offering women a counterpoint with their new program, “Shut up and Settle”.

Next month, the cancer arm of the World Health Organization will classify shift work as a "probable" carcinogen, the same category as cancer-causing agents like anabolic steroids, ultraviolet radiation and diesel engine exhaust.

So if you’re wondering what happened to all the bodybuilders at those 24-hour gyms, now you know: they’re at chemo.

jokes: marriage and young'uns

2007-11-28T20:52:00.000-08:00

PROVO, Utah - A Utah couple stand accused of kidnapping their daughter on the eve of her wedding.

Reached for comment, Utah parents said “Well, we sympathize with- what? they were forcing their daughter to NOT get married?!”

A Chinese man is suing for divorce after discovering that he is the father of only one of his twins.

Although upset, the mother of the twins is looking on the bright side: “At least they’re both boys.”

jokes: climate change, have-not provinces

2007-11-27T15:41:00.000-08:00

OTTAWA - Efforts to reduce global warming through technological innovations that improve fuel efficiency may be doomed and could even make the situation worse, says a new report.

In related news, big businesses and individuals heaved a sigh of relief as a new report on global warming gave them an excuse to stop trying.

OTTAWA - Native leaders from the West Coast and the South Pacific are pressuring the federal government to establish firm targets for reducing greenhouse gas emissions. Members of the Pacific People's Partnership say climate change is having a huge impact on indigenous communities.

Yeah. Because if there’s anything that really spurs our government to action, it’s the suffering of indigenous peoples.

FREDERICTON - New Brunswick's Liberal government says its throne speech is a road map to a self-sufficient future for the have-not province.

A spokesperson for the Alberta provincial government responded: “Self-sufficiency huh? How about you carry us for a couple of decades, then we’ll call it even.”

jokes: glaciers and pepper spray

2007-11-26T16:24:00.000-08:00

EL ALTO, Bolivia – The glaciers of the Andes are melting at an alarming rate, raising fears for the area’s water supply.

Runoff from the glaciers will be available in bottles here in North America, under the brand name Our Earth is Dying and This is its Blood, You Selfish Bastards.

SAN JUAN, Puerto Rico - Ingrid Marie Rivera won Puerto Rico’s Miss spot in the Miss Universe pageant, in spite of sabotage that included pepper spray in her gowns and makeup that caused her to break out in hives.

There is an upside, as she is now a strong favorite for the Miss Calamine Lotion crown.

jokes: disasters and poisonous toys

2007-11-25T14:56:00.000-08:00

NEW YORK (CNN) -- U.S. safety officials have recalled about 4.2 million Chinese-made Aqua Dots bead toys that contain a chemical that, once metabolized, converts into the toxic "date rape" drug GHB.

So ladies, take your business elsewhere if your local dance club is still offering those cute tasty Aquadot shooters.

HALIFAX - A group of international scientists called on world leaders Sunday to invest billions in a complex array of undersea technology to help to predict natural disasters. He said scientists were able to determine the intensity of hurricane Katrina two years ago because they knew the temperature of the water it passed over, which fuelled its force.

Yes, that's right, with a few billion dollars invested, every natural disaster can be managed as well as Hurricane Katrina.

A woman swarmed by a mob of Grade 8 boys in an apparent racially-charged attack near a northwest London school says she forgives her tormenters.

“Who knows”, said the woman, “they might have been whacked out on them Aquadots.”

jokes: disasters and American policy

2007-11-24T23:10:00.000-08:00

SYDNEY, Australia - Conservative Prime Minister John Howard, one of the Bush administration's staunchest allies, suffered a humiliating election defeat Saturday at the hands of an opposition leader who has vowed to pull troops out of Iraq.

In a related development, the Bush government says plans are underway for a potential invasion of Australia.

The number of weather-related disasters has quadrupled over the past 20 years and the world should do more to prepare for them, the aid agency Oxfam says.

We also might want to try cutting back on all the stuff we're doing to cause them, too, but that's a different agency.

MALIBU, Calif. - A fast-moving wildfire pushed by Santa Ana winds raced through the canyons and mountains of this wealthy enclave for the second time in little more than a month Saturday, destroying more than 30 homes and forcing as many as 14,000 residents to flee.

That’s right, 14000 Malibu residents have been driven to one of their other mansions.

jokes: sex and drugs and hazing

2007-11-23T14:41:00.000-08:00

A 13-year-old girl was among four people charged with cocaine offences in Bonnyville near Edmonton on Tuesday night.

You know, in these times of instant gratification, it’s refreshing to see the kids taking a break from meth to go back to the classics.

AMARILLO, Texas - A subdivision in Amarillo, Tex., has barred convicted sex offenders from owning or living in any new homes.

The new community would be totally safe if the rec centre would just fall into line and stop allowing homeless drifters to coach soccer.

MONTREAL - Quebec police union president Jean Beaudoin says he has no idea how the traditional police rookie initiation evening might have brought calls for investigation of hazing.

One potential cause of the complaints? The best-selling “Mounties Gone Wild” videos.

Beaudoin defends the initiation, saying it consists of an evening of drinking and horsing around and ends with a single firm pat on the buttocks with a clipboard.

…from a prostitute, while bound to chair with the recruit’s brand-new handcuffs, high on power and the cocaine that kickbacks bought.

jokes: Tim Horton's & ethics

2007-11-22T15:35:00.000-08:00

NEW YORK - Scientists have made ordinary human skin cells take on the chameleon-like powers of embryonic stem cells, a startling breakthrough that might someday deliver the medical payoffs of embryo cloning without the controversy.

Medical ethicists are warning of the potential costs of the breakthrough: less work for medical ethicists.

Hey guys, don't worry. I for one promise to continue to keep you busy by doing all kinds of morally questionable medical stuff.

MONTREAL - An axe-wielding masked man who attempted to rob a Montreal-area doughnut shop was successfully subdued by store employees and customers.

The heroes realized that the man would be easily subdued after he ate a slice of Tim Horton’s near-poisonous cake.

Edmonton homicide cops are investigating a suspicious death after a body was found in a burned-out dumpster early this morning.

It’s suspicious, but let’s not rule out that someone may have passed away peacefully in a dumpster that was on fire.

headline jokes: crime, kickbacks, and giant bugs

2007-11-21T20:10:00.001-08:00

OTTAWA - The number of Canadians behind bars rose in 2005-06 for the first time in a decade, mainly because more adults were in jail on remand awaiting trial or sentencing.

Still, experts warn that 2007 figures will be different, as our high loonie drives more people south of the border to steal stuff.

QUEBEC - The Quebec government will seek to buy more products made in the province in an effort to boost its flagging manufacturing sector. The government maintains new jobs created by the policy will offset the higher buying costs.

The kickbacks will help also.

LONDON - British scientists have found fossil evidence of ancient scorpions up to 2 meters long.

Hey Moms and Dads! Your kids are going to get nightmares about gigantic scorpions!

headline jokes: The Last Supper, sexless marriage and diapers

2007-11-21T19:34:00.000-08:00

An Italian musician and computer technician claims to have uncovered musical notes encoded in Leonardo Da Vinci's "Last Supper."

But if you play it backwards: the Devil’s music.

MONTREAL - If a Quebec company has its way, dirty diapers normally destined for landfills will soon be transformed into a cost-effective, synthetic diesel fuel.

To my mom: I don’t care how much it would save me on gas, I’m not getting knocked up.

A state appeals court Friday in Alabama annulled a marriage after the wife complained that her husband never consummated the union. Her husband, a Czech citizen, could lose his permanent resident status under U.S. immigration laws and be deported.

And so in a nutshell: put out, or get deported.

Detoxify or Die

2007-11-02T20:47:00.000-07:00

I recently encountered this book:

No idea if the content is valid, but the title works for me. Those "For Dummies" titles are accessible, but potentially insulting. This series could be really motivating. Imagine:

Cook Italian.. or DIE!

Hatha Yoga... or DIE!

Organize Your Digital Photos... or DIE!

And of course:

Play 1987 Nintendo Classic 'Skate or Die'...

..or DIE!

two hack things to put to rest

2007-10-28T15:47:00.000-07:00

An open letter to stand up comedians:

Life is good, comics. After years in a low zone, stand up is coming into vogue as a form again. More people are seeing it, more people are talking about it, and more comedians are achieving itty-bitty rock star status.

This is good for all of us. Let's bring our 'a' games to this fun new golden age.

Let's retire some hack material.

I'd like to nominate two subjects of hackness here today. First, any and all jokes about computers that use a combination of "RAM", "hard drive" and "floppy disk" references as sexual puns. Floppy disks haven't been used for 15 years or so - if you're still using them as a punch line, it's time to upgrade, as it were.

Second, cougar jokes. These ones were so easy that I almost wonder if the whole 'cougar' slang phenomenon was actually invented by comedians the way greeting card companies invented Secretary's Day. Cougar jokes spread quickly, so even though they haven't been around as long as computer jokes, it is time for them to stop. I know that some comics want these ones to stick around the way they want Bush to do a third term, but just have faith that some other easy reference will come along that you will come to love as much as you love your cougar jokes.

Just a thought.

PS I'm not implying I don't have problems of my own with regards to writing (Don't you hate it when a comedian uses her sexual orientation as a crutch? Yeah, that sucks...) Working on it.

Headline jokes: best of the old pack

2007-10-16T23:37:00.000-07:00

To start off the headline jokes on this spanking new blog, I offer a few greatest hits. For now, the rest of the old headline jokes can still be viewed on my myspace blog, and the ancient ones at http://juliasquota.blogspot.com/.

April 2007

MONTREAL (CP) - High school students rescued from a Greek cruise ship returned home Sunday, four days after the boat they were on sank to the bottom of the Aegean Sea.
It was a happy ending for everyone except the producers of Girls Gone Wild, who lost "irreplaceable" footage taken earlier on the cruise, when co-eds were going SPRING BREAK CRAZY WILD!

TORONTO (CP) - The Carleton Graduate Students' Association is spearheading an initiative to educate some 3,300 grad students on how to safeguard their intellectual property while ensuring they're being properly recognized for their work.
In response to the initiative, Carleton professors are spearheading a quieter initiative to figure out where they're going to get all their ideas from now.

CALCUTTA, India (AP) - A farmer in Eastern India has discovered his calf making a meal of his poultry. "I've never read or heard about cows turning carnivorous," said local veterinarian Mihir Tripathy.

Soon many in India may be faced with a theological quandary: is a cow still sacred if it's eating you?

Researchers at Berlin claim they have now, for the first time, identified people's decisions about how they would later do a high-level mental activity using brain scans. The potential implications alarm some ethicists who fear the technology could one day be abused by authorities, marketers, or employers.
The scientists' next goal? To prove using brain scans that ethicists are stupid wimps.

JEFFERSON CITY, Mo. (AP) - A member the Supremes pushed Thursday for a change in Missouri law to prevent cover bands from promoting themselves as the real thing. The Missouri legislation would make it illegal for people to make a false or misleading connection to the real group in their advertising or musical performance.
The law would also make it illegal for Kevin Federline to promote himself as anything.

Feb 2007

Dr. Guy Cardineau says the fruits of two decades of isolating the antidotes to a host of diseases into plants could be on the threshold of widespread use, rendering squeamishness over needles obsolete.

That's right, soon even those of use who can't tolerate needles can experience the pleasures of needle drugs.

In a successful raid on a drug ring that transported drugs from Nova Scotia to Ontario, police seized a quantity of cocaine, marijuana and prescription drugs but their largest haul was anabolic steroids.

So if you're in Toronto, and your personal trainer seems less buff, your stock broker a bit off his game, and your teenager antsy, now you know why.

A US Cafe has developed a process to caffeinate pastries.

And if you think that's great, just way until you add some cocaine cream cheese. Then top it with some crystal meth strawberry jelly. We call it the speedball breakfast.

CAPE CANAVERAL, Fla. (AP) - U.S. astronaut Sunita Williams has now spent more time in space than any other woman, setting the record on Sunday as she and a crew mate upgraded the international space station's cooling system.
Male astronauts pointed out that Williams' walks would have been shorter if she had focused on the repair goals instead of meandering around looking at everything.

The Mission Merchants Association in San Francisco is in a bind about a proposed porn shoot location in a historic building, with some members arguing the studio would provide an economic boost and others worried it would attract perverts, said Jean Feilmoser, president of the group.

Umm, this is San Francisco. It's a bit late to worry about attracting perverts. ..

VATICAN CITY (Reuters Life!) - Smoke got in his eyes. Too much of it, so he asked the Roman Catholic Church to annul his marriage when his wife refused to kick the nicotine habit.That is just one of the, well, hazy cases that wound up before the Vatican's Sacra Romana Rota, a top court which hears the most complicated of marriage annulment requests.

And that sounds complicated to us. These people can't get their heads around domestic violence or birth control, so they must be plenty confused.

Experts say Canada's chilly climate, sprawling land mass and resource-based economy aren't good enough reasons to absolve Canadians of a growing responsibility to go green and reduce the impact they're having on the world's environment.

As opposed to before, when the fact that Canada is big, cold and sells oil was more than reason enough for us to play a key role in destroying the planet .

Police issued a plea Sunday for a mother to turn herself in after a baby girl, no more than an hour old, was found wrapped in a towel on the back step of a Saskatchewan home in -29 C temperatures.

In a related story, a Winnipeg company will soon be producing special highly insulated baskets to allow scared mothers to abandon children in frosty Canada with the same level of ease as stigmatized, scared new mothers in warmer climates.

An Edmonton woman is smoking mad after being scolded by Mayor Stephen Mandel for buying a pack of cigarettes - but Mandel insists it was a joke.
"Just because they have won an election with 40% of the 30% who vote, all of a sudden they are the avatar of community standards," said a University of Alberta professor.

Former premier Ralph Klein is said to be planning to go to Edmonton, get drunk and yell at the mayor.

PRINCETON, N.J. (AP) - The extrasensory perception lab at Princeton University will be shuttered at the end of the month.

The researchers are disappointed, but are claiming they saw it coming.

HEROUXVILLE, Que. (CP)— Clad in traditional Islamic head scarves, a delegation of Muslim women paid a visit Sunday to the Quebec town that passed a controversial code aimed at potential immigrants. But much of the code remained the same and the council repeated a call for changes to the Charter of Rights and Freedoms to avoid "unreasonable accommodation" of minorities.

Right, so Quebec is cracking down on unreasonable accommodations for minorities? Pay attention people, I know we're going to be able to use this against them later.

After three years, scientists at the University of Jena have given up their battle to to persuade Mats the sloth to co-operate in an experiment on animal movement.

This is the most boring use of the word 'battle' ever.

VICTORIA (CP) — British Columbia plans to rely on its forests and agricultural land to help reach its ambitious greenhouse gas emission targets.

It's BC, so I'm guessing that will be the kind of "trees" that you can smoke.

BERLIN (CP) - British and American children are among the worst off in the industrialized world, according to a UN report Wednesday that ranked the well-being of youngsters in 21 wealthy countries.

Child Advocates in Britain cautioned the government that Oliver is a story, not a goal.

Jan 2007

Rebecca Arnold Dawson, 34, was charged with malicious castration in a fight early Tuesday at a party hosted by the 38-year-old man's girlfriend, police said.The castration arrest was the first of its kind in Lillington, a town of about 3,000 roughly 50 kilometres south of Raleigh, Powers said.

One would hope. No town wants to be known as "The home of Malicious Castration."

Dec 2006

QUEBEC (CP) - Police have issued an arrest warrant for former Olympic biathlon champion Myriam Bedard, who is suspected of kidnapping her daughter to the U.S.

Authorities can not confirm that she's not armed, so be careful - she's a heck of a shot.

OTTAWA (CP) - A November cold snap prompted Public Safety Minister Stockwell Day to dismiss Al Gore's climate change crusade in a weblog post brimming with mockery.

Many pundits are expressing surprise that the Conservative Party allowed Stockwell Day to have a blog.

What he said was kind of stupid. But stupid is relative – a majority of people somewhere elected this guy.

In a related development, Day's staff are now including slander lawsuit settlements in annual budget proposals.

Reached for comment, a Tory spokesperson said "It's Stockwell Day, and he said something stupid. Where's the news?"

LONDON (AP) - An official report on the death of the Princess of Wales this week will disclose the that U.S. Secret Service was bugging Diana's phone without the approval of its British counterpart, a British newspaper reported.
What was on the tapes? You'll have to wait for the exclusive story in this week's edition of Hello magazine.

OTTAWA (CP) - Everyone has heard stories of overworked, stressed-out nurses, but a new Statistics Canada study suggests that the job is making nurses sick. The study surveyed nearly 19,000 nurses between October 2005 and January 2006, including registered nurses, licensed practical nurses and registered psychiatric nurses.

Many of them may benefit from medical help, but who wants to be at work on their time off?

BEIJING (AP) - The long arms of the world's tallest man saved two dolphins in northeast China by reaching inside of them to remove plastic they had swallowed, state media reported Thursday.
Aww, that reminds me of this time with an IUD that.. ummm never mind.

The Commons status of women committee plans to hold two extra meetings in early December to discuss the closure of most of the country's office for the Status of Women. Of the 16 regional offices, only Ottawa, Edmonton, Montreal and Moncton will be spared.

So chicks should totally move to those places.

Dec 2006

OTTAWA (CP) - The Conservative government is bringing the divisive issue of same-sex marriage back to the floor of the Commons . But the timing - at the tail end of the fall session of Parliament, with minimal debate - suggests the Tories may be tacitly admitting they don't have enough support among other parties to restore the traditional definition of marriage as a union of man and woman.
Others say the Tory's are strategically giving up on same sex marriage, but waiting to put up a strong fight against the human-goat marriage bills that are the inevitable next step on this slippery slope.
Charles McVety, head of the independent Defend Marriage movement, says that "the religious freedom of clergy and educators, along with the interests of children who are best raised by a mother and father," are at stake.
"Or a single mother. Or a single father. Or grandparents, or group homes, or any combination of adults, or teenagers who get pregnant, or two people of the same sex so long as they don't love each other."
McVety added that all Canadians should be concerned, as it takes a village to raise a child. But NOT the Village People. (They would probably love that, at least at first. Dress-up! And they'd all be easy to understand and relate to because they're each a stereotype.)
A spokesperson for gay rights said that "we respectfully ask Mr. Mevety to restrict his arguments to hateful stereotypes about gay marriage, and save the hateful stereotypes about gay parenting for adoption discussions."
Across the country, gay rights advocates celebrated the transition of equal marriage rights from "actual issue" to "political ploy that Canadians don't give a rat's ass about."

LONDON (AP) - Humans will have to colonize planets in far-flung solar systems if the race is to survive, renowned physicist Stephen Hawking said in an interview Thursday as he was awarded a top honour.
"Sooner or later, disasters such as an asteroid collision or nuclear war could wipe us all out. But once we spread out into space and establish independent colonies, our future should be safe."

Well if it's as successful as that last round of colonialism, you can count me in!

Spacecraft capable of traveling to other solar systems in less than 50 000 years are not yet in existence. "We also don't know what sort of life would be on the other planets, so we don't know how best to go about destroying their cultures and stealing their land."

EDMONTON (CP) - Alberta Progressive Conservatives are choosing a new party leader to replace Ralph Klein.
Strategists say that right-wing candidate Morton has a strong chance, in part because the critical 'non-wing-nut' vote will be split between Stelmach and Dinning.

The results will be in Saturday night, which in the case of a Morton victory will allow gay Albertans the rest of the weekend to pack.

Nov 2006

Employees at Steam Whistle Brewery have decided to donate one week's worth of staff beer rations to soldiers stationed in Afghanistan. The company has vowed to match those donations.
1. Troops are said to be grateful, but everyone else in Canada is reportedly sad that their employers don't offer beer rations.
2. In a more disconcerting gesture, staff of Foothills hospital have also pledged a week of their beer rations to troops.

October 2006

Humanity may split into two sub-species in 100,000 years' time as predicted by HG Wells, an expert has said. Evolutionary theorist Oliver Curry of the London School of Economics expects a genetic upper class and a dim-witted underclass to emerge. The descendants of the genetic upper class would be tall, slim, healthy, attractive, intelligent, and creative and a far cry from the "underclass" humans who would have evolved into dim-witted, ugly, squat goblin-like creatures.

I. Other scientists voiced disagreement, issuing a dissenting study made up of only four words: Tie, Domi, Belinda, Stronach.

II. Other scientists disagree, noting that this gap between ugly and graceful will continue to be bridged so long as there are software companies, hockey teams, and recording studios.

People would become choosier about their sexual partners, causing humanity to divide into sub-species, he added.

III. Other scientists disagree, noting that for many generations to come, humankind will still have gin.

ALBANY, N.Y. (AP) — R.J. Reynolds has agreed to a domestic ban on flavored cigarettes such as "Twista Lime" and "Mocha Taboo" that critics say are marketed to youths.

The company will, however, continue to sell their controversial 'Stuff by Hilary Duff' miniature cigars.

Sept 2006

In the face of mounting anger following the Pope's comments about Islam, The Vatican said Benedict did not intend the remarks to be offensive and sought to draw attention to the incompatibility of faith and violence.

Because if history has taught us anything, it's that religion and violence don't go together at all.

An al-Qaida-linked extremist group warned Pope Benedict on Monday that he and the West were "doomed," as protesters returned to the streets across the Muslim world to demand more of an apology from the pontiff for his remarks about Islam and violence.

But hey, the extremists are just exaggerating the Muslim world's anger. Almost cartoonishly exaggerating it.

AIKONUR, Kazakhstan (AP) – A rocket carrying four astronauts including the world's first female space tourist lifted off

Monday. Russian and US space programs pointed out that astronauts still need the "right stuff", but that the "right stuff" is now "lots and lots of money."

WASHINGTON (AP) — Researchers have deciphered for the first time the genetic code of a tree, which could lead to new varieties better at producing wood, paper and fuel. 
Researchers were elated, noting that finally, "Not only God can make a tree."

Aug 2006

EDMONTON (CP) — A 10,000-year-old quarry rich with tools and weapons, including a pristine spearpoint still smeared with the blood of a woolly mammoth has been uncovered in Alberta.  
Albertans are excited about the artifacts, and can't wait to see how much oil they can get from a wooly mammoth. 

WELLINGTON, New Zealand (AP) - A lunchtime parade of topless porn stars down the main street of New Zealand's biggest city has been given official approval - as no laws will be broken. Several city councillors opposed to the parade were surprised to find it had been given a green light without them being consulted. "It is not like a television set you can turn off or a book you can shut," Councillor Noelene Raffills was reported telling The New Zealand Herald newspaper Tuesday.

Organizers agree, saying that it will be more like a television set you dont want to turn off, or a book you want to look at again and again.

Curry and tea could help slimmers lose weight, according to a new study. The ingredients are shown to aid digestion and influence overall food intake, researchers told medical journal Physiology and Behaviour.

Other researchers were skeptical about the findings because of, well, the British.

July 2006

NEW YORK (Reuters) - Diamonds are no longer a girl's best friend, according to a new U.S. study that found three of four women would prefer a new plasma TV to a diamond necklace. "People make the assumption that women are not as advanced as men when it comes to technology and I was surprised at the parity men and women now have in terms of technology," Geraldine Laybourne, chairman and chief executive of Oxygen Network, told Reuters.

Although this seems like a major shift, take comfort in the fact that women are still gold-digging whores.

VANCOUVER (CP) - Gold medal snowboarder Ross Rebagliati is suing CTV over a television show, Whistler, that he says makes him look like a drunken criminal.
CTV reps countered by noting that as the show is made and airs in Canada, no one is actually watching it.

Scientists examining prehistoric bodies found in the peat bogs of Ireland have discovered evidence of male grooming. One of the bodies, dug up in 2003 at Clonycavan, near Dublin, had mohawk-style hair, held in place with a gel substance, reports The Times.The other, unearthed three months later 25 miles away in Oldcroghan, had carefully manicured fingernails.
So take comfort in the fact that men have always been gold-digging whores.

MONTREAL (CP) - k.d. lang criticized Stephen Harper for his refusal to attend the Out Games. "It's a sad statement that the national leader of a country that's one of the most progressive countries in the world chooses to support intolerance," she told a news conference at the Olympic Stadium.

A Harper representative was quick to point out that efforts are underway to make Canada much less progressive.

ATLANTA (AP) - Feeling faint? Cross your ankles. Squeeze your knees. Grip a ball. Simple muscle-tensing exercises like these can keep you from passing out, say researchers who did a scientific study of the problem.

That, and laying off the tequila shots.

 Prime Minister Stephen Harper gave the Canadian Olympic team a vote of confidence Thursday.During a brief phone conversation with Canadian flag-bearer Danielle Goyette, the new Conservative prime minister wished the team luck at the Winter Games, which open Friday in Turin, Italy. "Good luck to you, Danielle, and to all of the team," Harper said. "On behalf of all Canadians, we are very proud indeed of all the efforts you've put forth up until now."  Some may dismiss the call as one of the empty ceremonial gestures of a politician, but need we remind you of then-PM Chretien's "I think you all suck. Prove me wrong" call before Nagano?

Six gay penguins at a German zoo are still refusing to mate with females of the species flown in from Sweden in 2005, the zoo said on Wednesday. The problem was that the female Humboldt penguins have proven too shy in their advances, the director of the zoo in the northern port city of Bremerhaven said. "The Swedes will not make the first move," Heike Kueck said.

1. "We can still make this work, but we have to track down some sluttier penguins."
2. That's right girls. You can turn the gays if you're just a bit more forward.

Brokeback Mountain tells the story of two men in love who never attain true happiness and peace because of societal constraints.

Stephen Harper calls it "the feel-good movie of the year."

A Goth Reverend is conducting special church services aimed at Goths. The candlelit Goth Eucharist services feature a specially written liturgy and music from bands like Depeche Mode, Joy Division and the Sisters of Mercy.
Rev Ramshaw said: "As Goths there is a broad sense of an outlook of life that focuses on the bad things. We all get knocks and sometimes life seems hopeless. The Goth Eucharist re-establishes a link; God is still there for you even if you have been blinded."

The services have been so successful that the church has plans to expand and hopes to offer services specific to many other types of losers.

A Russian woman took out a full page advert in a newspaper asking for sex to help cure her cancer. Divorcee Elisaveta, 30, explained in the ad: "Doctors have discovered two lumps in my breast. "They have told me the best way to beat cancer and stop the spread is to have sex."

She became suspicious, however, when they stipulated that ideally, the sex would take the form of a threeway, with doctors.

Gay Doctor Who star John Barrowman, 38, who's about to marry his gay partner in real life, was up for the role of Will in the sitcom, reports the Mirror. John said it was typical of "homophobic" Hollywood that it eventually went to straight actor Eric McCormack.

I. In a related story, a straight actor claimed that he lost a role because he wasnt gay enough, and was promptly mobbed and killed by members of GLAAD.
II. Producers denied that Barrowmans sexual orientation was an issue in the casting, noting that they in fact just hate British people.

New research indicates that most chimpanzees are
left-handed, using that arm to fish termites out of
mounds.

Other researchers welcomed the data, resolving that as
a result of the findings they will inject AIDS viruses
into the right arms of test chimpanzees from now on.

Staffers at Canadas public broadcaster say its
heartbreaking to be kept off Canadas television
screens and airwaves.

Many worry that Canadian programming may lose ground
during its lockout absence. The CBC was quick to
assure people that Royal Canadian Air Farce will be
back on the air for decades to come as soon as the
lockout is over, regardless of its relevance, quality,
or popularity.

A farmer has created a personal ad visible from the
air spelled out with corn. The message, measuring
about 900 feet wide by 600 feet, was easily legible
from the air - airplanes frequently pass over between
Rochester and New York City - when the stalks reached
seven feet tall.

Interest from many women grew considerably after they
realized that one of the seven foot stalks was not
corn.

Stalking - works every time.

Three unarmed Polish researchers stranded on a remote
Arctic island were rescued by helicopters as polar
bears were closing in on them, officials said
Wednesday.

The researchers and their rescuers expressed gratitude
and condolences to the family of the fourth
researcher.

A strike by Ontario's liquor-store workers could be
disastrous for some businesses in an industry that has
weathered one crisis after another over the past five
years, says the head of the province's restaurant
association.

A spokesman for the management noted that
the predicted crisis is unlikely, in that it hinges on
people ever, ever stopping drinking.

In a vanity Fair interview, Jennifer Aniston said she
was also hurt by a fashion spread in W magazine - a
concept of Pitt's - that showed the actor and Jolie as
a 1960s-style married couple. "There's a sensitivity
chip that's missing," Aniston says of Pitt.

Though she did admit that there is likely an extra hotness
chip where that sensitivity chip should be.

Mariners management responded to positive drug tests
of one of their pitchers.

"We are very disappointed to
learn this news," Mariners spokesman Tim Hevly said.
Those steroids were reserved for the batters, and how
he got into them, well never know.

SHANGHAI, China (AP) - Nearly 9,000 Russian and
Chinese troops began a mock assault on the beaches of
northern China on Tuesday for the final stage of
unprecedented joint war games between the two former
Cold War rivals.

In a more imaginative scenario, the Chinese enacted a
game in which they pretended to let Tibetans live in
freedom.

An American-born panda has given birth to a pair of
cubs in southwest China, the government said Thursday.
One was male and was being kept in an incubator.

The other cub, a female, was immediately killed.

One more bookmark to tend to

2007-10-08T19:20:00.000-07:00

The myspace blog has been okay for posting headline jokes, but the time has come for something more.. robust. From now on I will be posting headline jokes and assorted photos and thoughts here. And other places too - it's potentially maddening.